Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008. Good Riddance!

I haven't showered in days. My hair is dirty. I have acne on both cheeks. The place is a mess. I haven't cleaned the dishes. I look like a monster. I might even be aromatic. What's that smell?
a
Last night I made Turkey Stock. In the middle of this process I fell asleep on the couch. It cooked for 8 hours. (woops) It was on a slow simmer. When I awoke the windows were coated with steam. There can be no mistake, I smell like turkey.

I was feeling a bit down, laying on the couch with a blanket pulled over my head (it smelled like turkey). And what to my wondering eyes should appear?
a
Twas the presence of Evil, hell yes, he was here.

I waited, paralyzed. Knock Knock. I ignored it. Then he just walked in. God DAMN-it!!!!
a
I stared at the wall not hearing a word he was saying descending into a palpable depression realizing that after 7 years of celibacy, I managed to contract a sexually transmitted disease. The kind that won't go away. It's called Evil Surfer Dude.
a
Springing to life, for a second, realizing this might be a potential blog moment, I snapped his picture, then asked him to leave. (I can't even LOOK at the picture)
a
Later, I managed to drag myself to the most magical place on earth, Albertsons in Corona Del Mar, for vegetables to finish my soup. I looked like shit. From the corner of my eye I thought I saw my favorite checker, Big John, cutting his eye at me. I walked passed hoping I'd been mistaken... "Hi Char! Are you doing anything for New Years Eve?" He inquired. "Nope." I said. "Ok. I'll be over at 10:00 pm" he replied.

The people in his line laughed. I smiled thinking, I could do worse. With a little dental work and a new hip, he might be alright.

Happy New Year. (Sobs into Chardonnay)

53 comments:

Laura said...

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Happy New Year.

Hedgie said...

"I haven't showered in days. My hair is dirty. I have acne on both cheeks. The place is a mess. I haven't cleaned the dishes. I look like a monster. I might even be aromatic."

Now that's a WOMAN, folks.

The Panic Room said...

It seems like there must be a way to take advantage of smelling like a delicious turkey. No? Put some thought into that.

♥ Braja said...

I'm speechless.

LL said...

Oh please... I can't believe you'd do this to us. It's not new years there yet... :P

Cheer up buttercup, 2008 sucked for a great many of us, 2009 can only get better.

Charmaine said...

Braja - There is so much to be speechless about. Which is it? The fact that I smell like turkey, that I didn't wash my hair or the fact that Evil will NOT go away?

Hedgie - Hey, don't rub it in Mista.

Panic - Yes, I think smelling like turkey is only slightly less attractive them smelling like a cheeseburger.

Laura - The above comment is for you too. :-)

LL - groan.

Irish Gumbo said...

Oh, my dear (sigh), I am sorry it worked out that way.

"I might even be aromatic" - disturbing yet oddly, I find myself interested...

You may be dirty and smelly, but I bet you clean up real purty! ;)

Happy New Year, mon petite chou!

Everyday Goddess said...

I ate in the New Year! I feel like two ton Tessie today. Lucky me. And it's 13degrees outside. F*&K
Happy 09. It's gotta be better than 08.

High Desert Diva said...

Oh no...but what a blog post!

2009...it will be better!

Diane said...

Well... ummmm... at least turkey smells... good...?

Now, a word of admonishment... lock your door, woman! You are single, living alone... lock your door! Yes, I'll stop acting like your mommy now.

And here's to 2009... it HAS to be better than 2008. Right? Tell me it has to be better than 2008. It has to. IT HAS TO.

Michelle said...

undesionco: that is the word verification!!! Might mean something???

Girlie crush, i still love you no matter how bad or good you smell!!

All i can say and will say is keep it real in 09!!! I don't even know what the fuck that means but its all i've been saying.

I am off to the movies! I am blowing this apartment today. I didn't even go for my New Years Eve Day run!! That is not good way to start 09 for me!! I suck!!

Here is some sound advice for you:

If you must pop a pimple yourself, apply a hot, wet compress until it becomes a whitehead, sterilize a needle in flame or alchohol and then carefully lance it. Squeeze it gently to drain and wash both your hands and the area of the pimple afterwards.

GOOD????

Michele said...

Guys must dig cooked turkey smell. New perfume? We should market that.

Have a Happier New Year!

Anonymous said...

Char, sometimes it's exactly like that more times than on the occasional...

Simplicity said...

Thank all the possible beings that can be thanked that NOBODY knocked on my door at any time over the holiday season because nobody wants to see a grown woman in pig tails wearing Bust a Moo pajamas all day...with purple and white bootie slippers. Seriously.
I'm gonna come visit. You line up the boys and we'll hit the town!! :). Better yet, screw the boys! Let's just hit the town!

LOL @ your STD comment!

bernthis said...

Wow, I can't believe we had a parallel New Years Eve. I went to Safeway for my big night out. Wow, we are both living exciting, incredible lives, oh, but you're getting laid, okay, not so parallel.

bernthis said...

Wow, I can't believe we had a parallel New Years Eve. I went to Safeway for my big night out. Wow, we are both living exciting, incredible lives, oh, but you're getting laid, okay, not so parallel.

Hedgie said...

"nobody wants to see a grown woman in pig tails wearing Bust a Moo pajamas all day...with purple and white bootie slippers."

Au contraire, O Vision of Delight! How else should a Paragon of True Femininity appear? Please post photos.

Paul Eilers said...

Cheer yourself up today by watching the college football bowl games. :)

You've learned a lot this past year, as you've so eloquently written. Things can only get better.

Here's wishing you a healthy and prosperous 2009.

SSP said...

1235pm MST 1/1/09 and I am still in the clothes and most of the make up I had on 12 hours ago.....but my evening was probably on par with yours.......It's all uphill from here, isn't it??? happy new year Charmaine

Mike said...

Haven't you heard of the new invetion called the lock? It's pretty simple. Put it on your door, turn the switch, and walla you keep undesirables out.

Anonymous said...

My brother in law told me that Burger King is working on a perfume that is suppossed to smell exactly like a Whopper...

...I'm not sure how that's suppossed to make you feel better...but yeah...it's out there now.

Hedgie said...

(Sobs into Chardonnay)

Salty Chardonnay? Shame, Charmaine.

Lilly said...

A little dental work and a new hip, ha ha ha!!! Happy New Year - a new year means new opportunities....and funny blogs from you to look forward to...

Da Old Man said...

All the best in 2009 for you.

Brilliantly written, BTW.

Your blog could easily turn into as book.

Henry the Dog said...

Happy New Year - hope 2009 brings you many more dates to entertain us with xxx

Vodka Mom said...

that cracked me the hell up.

Seriously, we JUST might be related. Except I'm sure with your dirty hair, acne, messy house- you'd be the hotter one.

High Desert Diva said...

Charmaine-
Passing a blog award on to you... details on my blog.
cheers,
The Other Charmaine

LL said...

Hey... do you suppose if you gave Evil a shot of penicillin every time he flared up that he'd finally go away?

Hedgie said...

The poem you asked about has been added to the bottom of that thread in Jackdaw's. I really like Gibson's work.

Tammy said...

Awww...
Happy 2009 anyway!

I spent my New Year the same way... only my pj's that I wore for 2 days says "Show me the Monkey" a hand-me-down from my daughter.

Unknown said...

Goodness me, I see what you meant by the comment you left ;)

About the expression you left, Charmaine, I can only think that it was colloquilised term of endearment. By the other language I'm guessing that she was from the North of Ireland? I can make enquiries from my Northern friends and find out more fully for you.

But now, I wonder if you're just teasing me... ;)

Kari said...

That is hilarious! Loved it!

I'm so HAPPY to say bye bye to 2008 as well.

Happy 2009 to you!

Train Wreck said...

Well at least your soup didn't burn while you were sleeping. It wold have been way worse to smell like burnt turkey! I must say you must be a pretty hot looking shower avoider. He didn't turn around and run. You need me to come over? If I woke up after all that, and he walked in, he would have turned to stone. Hey Then you could undress him stick him out on the patio, and have a great looking statue for the birds. Heck you could even knock his arms and lower "extremity" off.(if you know what I mean!heh heh) Then he'd look all greek and authentic!! I mean if he won't go away you might as well use him for something? Cheer up my new friend it's a clean slate.

Ann Imig said...

Well Char, tee hee I called you Char. Well Char, at least people friggin' LOVE your blog!!! Including me :)

Last Place Finisher said...

2008 reminds of the last episode of M.A.S.H., "Goodbye, Farewell, Amen."

Anonymous said...

I really like your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you
make this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it
for you? Plz respond as I'm looking to construct my own blog and would like to find out where u got this from. many thanks
Here is my webpage :: how to make your ex boyfriend miss you

Anonymous said...

І геlish, leaԁ to I found just ωhat І uѕed to be hаving a look for.
You've ended my four day lengthy hunt! God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye ringing in the ears remedy

Anonymous said...

One more technique in favor of promoting your web
site is posting comments on different sites with your
weblog link.

Stop by my web blog: http://www.ampleshare.com/

Anonymous said...

If sοmе onе ωіshes tο
be updatеd with moѕt гecent teсhnοlοgies then he must be pay a vіsіt this web
site and be up to date eveгy day. More hints
Also see my site :: More hints

Anonymous said...

What’s up to all, the YouTube record that is posted at at this point has
truly fastidious quality along with fastidious audio quality

my page - http://mangdienthoai.com/blog/14408/how-to-benefit-from-inversion-terry

Anonymous said...

You made some good points there. I did a search on the topic
and found most people will agree with your blog.

Also visit my homepage: website

Anonymous said...

Hi there to every body, it’s my first go to see of this web site;
this weblog consists of awesome and in fact good
stuff for visitors.

My homepage ... website

Anonymous said...

This is a topic close to my heart cheers, where are your contact details
though?

My web-site :: http://www.makanna.com/

Anonymous said...

You cаn сeгtainly seе
уour enthusiasm in thе ωork уou write.
The sectοr hoрes for even more paѕsiоnate wrіteгs
ѕuсh as you ωho are not аfraiԁ
to say hoω they bеlieve. At all times gο aftеr уour hеart.
visit this backlink
Also see my web site: visit this backlink

Anonymous said...

You actually make it appear really easy with your presentation however I to find this topic to be
really one thing which I believe I would never understand.
It seems too complicated and extremely huge for me.

I am taking a look ahead for your next post, I will attempt to get the dangle of it!



Review my blog; http://www.pariscitybreaks.com/wiki/index.php?title=To_Start_Date_Hints_Relating_To_Daddies_After_The_Divorce

Anonymous said...

Wow, incгeԁible blog lаyout!

How long havе you been bloggіng for?
you make blogging look eаsу. The overall
look of youг website іs magnіfіcent, as ωell as the cоntеnt!

webmd

Anonymous said...

Thanks foг sharing уour thoughtѕ on Cliсκ Here.
Regards getbackyourexnow.com/boy..

Anonymous said...

My brothеr suggested I might lіkе this web sitе.
He was entirеly гight. This post trulу madе my day.

Yοu cаn nοt imagine simplу how much
time I had spеnt for this info! Thаnks! www.acneonlineguide.com/how-to-cure-acne/

Anonymous said...

WOW just what I ωas sеaгching for.
Camе hеre by searching for click herе 1

Anonymous said...

Keep on working, great job!

Take a look at my blog :: ford ranger

Anonymous said...

Hi all, here every person is sharing such know-how, thus
it's pleasant to read this webpage, and I used to visit this website every day.

Here is my webpage: Ford Ranger forum

Anonymous said...

When some one searches for his essential thing, thus he/she wants to be available that in detail,
so that thing is maintained over here.

my blog: ranger forum

Anonymous said...

Good article. I am facing many of these issues as well.

.

Also visit my page ... fat loss factor review