Tuesday, November 6, 2007

"Do you hear what I hear?"

Here is a list of things of things that have been said to me this week at work. Do you ever hear what I hear? (Sing it like the Christmas Carol, sista)

1. You're going on a date tonight? You're not going to wear THAT are you?
2. Do have any CUTE tops?
3. What's that coming out of your shoe?
4. I like both of your chins.
5. Do you need to powder your nose or are you having another hot flash?
6. Have you ever considered dying your hair another color?
7. Ever think of getting a personal trainer?
8. Actually, your ARE a little crazy.
9. Everytime we have a closed door meeting, it's not about you. ha ha ha ha ha, yes it is.

I work with all women. That must be it.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Return of the Vern - A Halloween Story

Alright, I already know what you're going to say. But then again, maybe you don't know me.

In my defense, there is a legitimate reason for the "return of the Vern". It's always the same...

I need a ride to LAX.

There are only two (2) things I can't do. Change a tire and drive myself to LAX.

Vern visited me last weekend after a month long European vacation. He went everywhere, as usual. Vern in Europe brings to mind imagery strongly associated with an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies. Yep, there's Jethro shooting a neighbours cat for "viddles". His belt is up a little too high. And wha? It's made of rope?

That's how I see Vern.

I wasn't that interested as he regaled me with his travels to The Old Course, somewhere in Ireland, Istanbul, England, Italy.....beyond feeling a vague pinch of jealousy. I should be in Europe. Vern should be in Arkansas.

Anyway, he noted that I was dating alot and looked happy. After a couple of days he asked me out for dinner. At dinner I would ask for "the ride". Not the kind of ride he would want, mind you.

We went on a Progressive dinner. We started at Gulfstream in Corona Del Mar for cocktails and appetizers. Then Bamboo Terrace for Sake and more Appetizers. (Awesome). Then we finished at PORT in Corona del Mar.

Vern was always and is still always good for a great dinner with tons of wine and....er....very little conversation. (Not what you're thinking.)

Tonight I ride to LAX.

I won't see Vern again. Until....well, I find a reliable shuttle service.

Final thought: Please God, don't ever let the men I date find my blog. Amen.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Date Report - Captain Cage - Date # 2

Friday, October5, 2008

Made it to date number two (2) with the Yacht Captain. We met at a Thai restaurant that my friend Jessica suggested basically serves cockroaches... in my case they were served in a green curry sauce and tasted like chicken. Yum.

Dinner was fine. Afterwards we walked to the Balboa Pavillion for an after dinner drink. He invited me to date # 3 for last Sunday. (Vintage Car races at a military base. ) I declined.

He suggested that if I really wanted to "be with" him.. I would go. Wha? I mean, we just met.

Have men become NEEDY? Were they always and I didn't notice?

I am too old to do anything I DON'T WANT TO DO. Period. Oo why am I so defensive?

Because the guy is totally right.

I once had a date, The Captain, (a different Captain) who advised me: "Charmaine, we have had 3 dates and spent 11 hours together. You should know by now if you see a future with me".

Why is everyone in such a rush? Or is it me? It's me isn't it?


Wednesday, September 19, 2007


ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Against my better judgement I decided to meet shortboard last week.
I hesitated because he is 34 years old.
It was this picture that changed my mind.

After our first date I was surprised. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't make me pay, try to bite my lip off or stare at my chest or for that matter, grab it. (See Dr. Cop-a-Feel for more of that action) . I agreed to a second date.

Shortboard (he's a surfer with an MBA) showed up at the restaurant a tad late. I arrived a tad early. I ran into a colleague and sat with her and her boyfriend until he arrived.
I politely asked my friend's boyfriend, "Could you do me a favor? Could you NOT stand up when you meet my date?"

Basically, my friend's boyfriend is as tall as my date...sitting down.

Shortboard arrived on the stairs and heard me say, "Oh My God. There he is. What do I do?"
I don't have an explanation for making this statement. It's like I'm fluctuating between 45 and 12.
He walked over (he was wearing the same sneakers in the photo with a pink sweater tied around his waist...do men try to hide their butts too?). I introduced everyone. Then he grabbed my hand and we sprinted, no actually flew, to the other side of the room. My martini is spilling ....spill...spill...hey slow down....spill...spill.

We dined on Quail, Scallops and Lamb chops. Shortboard was more sophisticated then I thought...until he spoke.
"I've been on a date at this restaurant before. After dinner we went back to her place to mess around and she told me she was a lesbian." he said. (Huh? Mess around?) He peppered the conversation with sex for the rest of the evening. This is not the Shortboard from date one (1).

After dinner he asked if we could"go back to my place to make out".

I was tempted... I need kissing practise.

But I didn't. I gave him a ride to his car. It was the dreaded, what I live to avoid, second date kiss time.
He gave me a little kiss and then sat there... looking at me without speaking. He inquired; "Do you want more?"

I cracked up. I said, "Um. Ok".

He told me I was a good kisser.

Praise Jesus.

I'm not ready for the "younger man" "just sex" deal. Hell, I'm not ready for "I'm madly in love with you sex" deal.
But that doesn't mean I can't think about it.

Restaurant Date Report
The Cannery Restaurant

The Quail was fantastic. It was a little like eating your pet parakeet but that's half the fun. It was dark brown and roasted to caramelized perfection. The scallops had a hoison sauce that had been slightly reduced to almost the texture of melted Carmel...some interesting baby greens. Delish. The lamb looked good but I actually took it home because I was full. I haven't tried it. I might not because I actually left it in the car all night. Can bacteria get into your car if you have the windows closed?

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Date Report - Satanic Mechanic

I’ve known him for 10 years. He’s the service manager at my local gas station. About 3 years ago he disappeared. Then he reappeared.

One day I was at the gas station and one of the young mechanics noticed me and then he sprinted out the back door to the garage section. A few seconds later, Satanic Mechanic appeared, clearly having received the “tip off”. Right then, he asked me out. Because I had noticed the ‘tip off” (how cute) men working together...I said yes. He said, let’s go out for Sushi and I’ll teach you about Culture”.

I’m an international incentive event planner and gas-station guy was going to teach me about “culture”? This would be good.

First of all, there is nothing satanic about the man. I’m labeling him satanic because of the tattoos. He’s covered in tattoos of, well yes skulls and other stuff.

He picks me up at my house in his truck. He opens the door from the inside and it’s typical guy- in-a-shambles truck, papers to move before I sit down. He immediately says, sorry I’m so casual. He’s wearing camouflage shorts and t-shirt. I don’t care what he’s wearing.

In the car he mentions that today is his birthday. He's 38. I thought he was older. For his birthday, he's taking ME out to dinner. (again...cute)

We drive around for a bit trying to figure out which Sushi place to go to and settle on Gen Kai in CDM. (Awesome by the way.) I don’t really eat sushi, but then I don’t really date either. I had fried shrimp heads, raw sea urchin (yuk) and raw slabs of brightly colored raw fish. I had oysters on the half shell with a Japanese twist, white sake and beer. I spoke Japanese to the Sushi men in order to prove how worldy I am. It didn't work, but it didn't backfire.

At an early stage Satanic Mechanic asked me if I knew how to use chopsticks. I replied with condescension, “I just returned from 2 weeks in Thailand. I think I can handle it.” He told me he’d been there 8 times. Damn. He topped me. How did he do that?

So we eat and talk as I drop items...er sushi out of my chopsticks or things...er sushi spills out of my mouth into the soy sauce holder with a brown splash or kerplunk. He pretends not to notice.

Here's his story: He was a rock n roll star (wha?) in the 70’s or 80’s for about 7 years. He was a bass guitar player in a band that toured. I forgot the name. He had long hair and wore tight pants. That’s where a lot of the tattoos were acquired. He had a rock n roll name along the lines of Dr. Nasty. He recorded a few CD’s and promised to give me copies.

At some point he impregnated a “groupie” and is now raising his 16-year-old son in conjunction with the mother so... all is not lost. For the last 3 years he has owned his own garage and just recently sold it. In the ensuing year he used the money to travel and then came back to the gas station. In other words, the Satanic Mechanic has more going on then I expected. Interesting.

After sushi we went to CDM’s only dive bar, The Place, and drank cheap wine and talked about starting a business together.

If I ever pull off my business plans, I’ll tell you all about it. I have a great idea.


Restaurant Date Review
Gen Kai Japanese Restaurant
Corona Del Mar, CA
Phone 949-675-0771

This was the best sushi I have ever had. But I don't really like sushi. I might change my mind. What I liked about this place was the ambience. So authentic, little tatami mats and rice paper walls...you get the picture. Service was amazing. One thing I know about in my proffession is service. It was a very friendly restaurant too. The folks next to us offered to share their yellow tail cheek. It looked fantastic. The cheek of these large fish is a delicacy. They cooked it. I said no the offer but I was thinking...yes yes yes.


After miniscule protestation I succumbed to a sinister plot hatched by 3 evil co-workers to sign me up to match.com. They concocted the plan, created an account, and graciously invited me to participate in less then a minute.

My dating life quickly became the obsession of my office. Every Monday, the girls would line up outside my office for “Charmaine’s Date Report”.

Here’s The Deal
I’m 40 something and I don’t date. Frankly the thought of dating made me physically ill. I mean, panic attack, palms sweating and heart-racing heart kind of ill. I told myself all the men my age want 25 year olds women so why bother?

The first time I talked to a match.com candidate. I almost passed out. Er, I tend to exaggerate but I actually felt light headed.

That was almost a month ago…I’ve changed. (But not entirely.)

Without further ado let me introduce you to the much sought after “Charmaines Date Report” a copy written feature of Grey Matters. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Too Old to Blog?

Sound the trumpets! Another middle aged blogger has arrived.

Is a person ever too old to blog?

I concluded that if I could drive, text message, sip Starbucks and down-shift simultaneously that there was simply no reason that I could not blog. With a little help from my beautiful colleague Jessica, Bam!! Here I am.

You'll likely become irritated by my existance or addicted to my musings. Or maybe you'll never find me. It's not as if I know how to let you know I'm here. Let's face it, I'm going to look up the word "blog" in the dictionary in about 2 minutes.

Despite much ado about nothing, I am embracing my inner blog with a plan to return to you with deeply profound or perplexing thoughts...as soon as I have some.