Friday, December 19, 2008

How to Obtain a Security Clearance NOT

Yesterday I received a call from Special Investigator Dave Limberg from the Department of Homeland Security.

My girlfriend, Kim, is applying for a Security Clearance. Why she gave my name as a reference, I will never know.

Here's the problem: I have a slight problem with male authority figures.

It started when my former boss, Ken, challenged me to vocabulary competitions in the board room. He frequently lost but he was my boss. I let it go. Until...THAT day.

He copied me on an email. I responded incorporating use of the word phantasmagorical. (I had beat him in the "competition" with that one.)

"Dear Charmaine, ACTUALLY... the proper use of the word is phantasmagorial," he responded.

I replied, "Ken, if you used something more sophisticated then your third grade level spell check, you would know the proper term is phantasmagorical. But since you are watching, I will carry a pocket dictionary at all times, to protect myself."

"Charmaine, You'll need more then a pocket dictionary to protect yourself from ME."

The next day we were upgrading computers. Ken had given the old computers to friends. He asked if I wanted one:

"But Ken, we're not allowed to take the old computers," I said.

The next day an IT guy dropped by. The task of matching serial numbers to the defunct computers fell on me. I had serial numbers, but no computers. I didn't know what to do. Finally I just said:

"Ken took them."

An hour later doors slammed, people rushed past my office glaring at me with hatred.

I called the Ombudsman office, suspecting Ken might retaliate. I learned this office is used to advise your boss he has a "snitch" on his hands.

I was called into Kens office, and fired.

Ironically, days earlier a video was circulated from the President of Rockwell Semiconductors. His pointing finger warned, "ethical behavior is your responsibility". If you overhear a secretary making a personal phone call, it's your duty to notify management." (He didn't say what to do if "management" was stealing computers.) I was confused.

Ken and I were called to HR for mediation. "I'm a pragmatist," Ken said smugly. "I simply cannot tolerate a non-team player ". WTF?

I didn't know Ken was friends with the Vice President. The Vice President had been caught having sex in his office with a Marketing Coordinator.

I can still see Ken strolling into my office; "God I love my job," he said. "I get paid over 400K and I don't really do much".

When I hear about the bail-outs, I know it involves corruption from the top down.

Investigator: Does Kim have any aliases?
Charmaine: No
Investigator: Has Kim ever conspired with Foreign Nationals to over-throw the government?
Charmaine: No. I mean, not that I know of. ha ha
Investigator: (Silence)
Charmaine: Hello?
Investigator: Has Kim ever had a negative experience with law enforcement?
Charmaine: She got a speeding ticket once. I was with her. But it wasn't what I would call a "negative"experience.
Investigator: What do you mean?
Charmaine: It was a fun experience. The police officer was a hoot.
Investigator: We consider all encounters with law enforcement to be negative.
Charmaine: Oh
Investigator: What can you tell me about Kim's alcohol consumption?
Charmaine: She's a drunken whore. We're event planners. It's a job requirement.
Investigator: (Silence)
Charmaine: I was just kidding.
Investigator: (Silence)


Hedy said...

I honestly can't remember the last time I laughed out loud at a blog before today.

"We're event planners. It's a job requirement" made Diet Pepsi go up my nose.

Beautiful. Thanks for the unexpected laugh.

Charmaine said...


My sister told me NOT to joke with this man. (She used to work for the Library of Congress).

Charmaine: Please God, don't ever let Kim find my blog. I swear I'll good from now on. I WILL!

God: Fails to respond

SSP said...

oh i was wondering when we were gonna get the full story about that...fecking Ken...what an ass! and what a nice way to introduce why you have trouble with authority....Poor Kim. Thanks C!

Lilly's Life said...

I have met a few Kens in my life. Sociopaths they are called. Its a big boys club. Then my ex was exactly the same - there was no demarcation between his personal and business lives - I learnt the hard way. You will never win against them because they do not possess certain human qualities like morality, ethics or empathy. Therefore they just do not care. Their modus operandi is how they can exploit everyone and everything. Sad really. Its one big old game. If you spot one, run. Enjoyed your post - thanks.

Mike said...

I think they just opened a file on you. So you're on their list now.

Michelle J said...

Kim just called me and she is sooo pissed at you Charmaine!!

What should i do? What should i tell her?? Should i tell you that i have a girl crush on you? She was crying and very upset!! She was also drunk and trying to plan an event!!

This cannot end well!!!

I'm just saying!!!

Charmaine said...

Lilly - Aint it the truth.

Mike - Kim called me to tell me that when the inspector interviewed her friend Jane, he asked her if she knew ME. (I don't know Jane)

Michelle- Hilarious as always

Ann's Rants said...

Hi Charmaine,

Great post, I came back to read it a second time without monkey swinging off of me. By the way, Kim is fucked. Poor Kim.

P.O.M. said...

We had an inspector come here and interview J, V and B. I wonder what the heck kind of job she is getting.

I also disagree with all encounters with law enforcement being negative. I've made out with a hot cop before and it wasn't negative at all. hee hee.

Michele said...

First off; Ken was an ass! Enuf said!

Second; a little warning please. I snorted my rum & rootbeer out my nose on the event planner sentence. I'm still giggling.

Braja said...

It's good to have friends like you that we can call on when law enforcement need the truth...well done, Charmaine...I'd give them your number any time...yeah...right....

I worked in tourism and our event planner was the biggest bitch in the office and didn't drink. We all hated her.

Train Wreck said...

Hey this is Kim...

LMAO! Well my real name is Kim, Sorry I couldn't resist! Did you just pee your pants? Sorry, Truly... I love your commentary, or would it be narration, yikes I don't want to get a F in the word game! I love your conversation with the inspector! The job requirement ROTFL! I would have said the same thing! We are going to hell aren't we...

SSP said...

I hafta agree with POM - despite my fear and loathing of authority, i have gotten over it a couple of times to make it with a hot cop...and the fireman was pretty fab too (but maybe that is just my lust goggles speaking)

SSP said...

holy crap, i mean make OUT, not make IT.....i didn't sleep with either one!! that would have been too weird!! sorry for the typo. it sucks that blogger doesn't let you edit your own comments!

Hedgie said...

Sounds like Freudian slippages to me.

(Speaking of which -- inquiring minds and all that -- , how much material does it take to make a Freudian slip?)

LL said...

I don't think it's limited to white males...

And all government workers have no sense of humor... A life lesson I learned long ago.

Simplicity said...

The Old Boys Gentleman's Clubs drive me up the wall!!

It really pissed me off to read what happened to you. Would you like me to go kick him in the shin for you!?

Your comments to the interviewer are hilarious, as always!! Did you really say those things? It sounds along the same lines as me telling the airport security guard there was no use sifting through my stuff. I could quickly show him where the bomb was located.

They have no sense of humor...

Charmaine said...

Michele-Me, provide a warning?

Braja-Who needs enemies when you have a friend like me?

Train Wreckkkk- Kim? ahhh. You almost gave me a coronary.

SSP-I have no doubt whatsoever that your virtue remains intact.

LL-I have to slighlty disagree. I believe that men are more prone to corruption. Women are more likely to be whistle blowers hence, why you find so few of us at "the top". We can't be trusted

Simplicity-Na. I didn't actually say drunken whore. I said she had two glasses of wine maybe every two weeks. He then called me back to "clarify" the amount. I knew this was tantamount to actually calling her a "drunken whore".

Simplicity said...

So...I'm waiting for the booty call pressure :)

Irish Gumbo said...

Odd, I got chased by an investigator for the Dept. Of Defense investigating someone I knew.

Hey, I saw your comment on my post of yesterday. good to know I can still creatye the intrigue! Also,(sniff) I feel for you, kiddo. It's always rough when reality smashes hard up against expectation. I'm sorry you got hurt.

And thank you for your kind comment on my Thursday post. I am grateful for the eyes on the page. As a thank you, I have another award for you. You can pick it up on IG, upper right hand corner.

And you were dropped on your head as a baby? So was I! Seems to run in those Irish Catholic families!

adventure grrl said...

You are so sweet. Thanks for commenting on my blog :) I love yours, so funny :)

Shonda Little said...

I want to kick Ken in the balls, not just for questioning your keen intelligence and having the job you were clearly more qualified for, but now for also likely being one of the assholes bankrupting the nation from the comfort of his private plane. Was this company publicly traded? Share holders love this sort of thing.

Shonda Little said...

I just read your full profile. Are you still doing online dating? I have this fantastic, handsome friend who has a great job and is starting to get back out there. My email is Email me if you are interested.

Moe Wanchuk said...

Hey Shonda....give her MY name TOO!

Briana said...

Co-workers can be sooooo mean. Especially when you send a series of emails referring to them as a bitch and a whore and throwing in a few comments about the bosses, and the emails get diverted to HER computer, and the bosses let this go on for 2 months before telling me.

Last Place Finisher said...

I was once interviewed for a security clearance. It was so odd. I wanted to confess something - anything - but my life was so boring there really wasn't anything to say.

Last Place Finisher said...

I was once interviewed for a security clearance. It was so odd. I wanted to confess something - anything - but my life was so boring there really wasn't anything to say.

Simplicity said...

OK! Am I losing my mind or do you keep fiddling around with the title of this post!?

Charmaine said...

Shonda- Bring it!
Moe-You're married dude. (Yea, I know you were kidding)
Briana-That was hilarious. For minute I thought you were talking about ME. hee hee
Simplicity-Yea. I was bored. I need to get a camera before I post the update to BOOTY CALL.

Anonymous said...

Sheesh. Give a guy a little authority and he loses any tiny bit of humor he ever had.

I'm sure Kim will thank you some day!

Anonymous said...