Friday, December 26, 2008

Gift Mountain...Revealed.

Remember Gift Mountain? The packages were from (Evil Surfer Dude) the man I was dating. They sat for days causing me to speculate about the contents: Perfume, fluffy robe, a new pair of Ugs?

Evil Surfer Dude handed me the first package....


Wrinkle Cream with glycolic acid? You shouldn't have. Really, you SHOULDN'T have. (If I'd known this was coming I would have countered with a package of "Extra Small" Condoms.

Tupperware? The cheap fake Tupperware? How did you know? It's what I've always wanted.

Aluminum pots. Even if hit Evil over the head with one it wouldn't hurt. I have Circulon. It's cast iron. I could put him in a coma with a tap to the forehead. Maybe the perfume is coming next?

How romantic. I gazed down at my knife set, then at Evil's jugular.


The finale. All I could say was, "Evil, did you ever consider ASKING me what I wanted?"

Other gifts included a Salt and Pepper shaker and a hideous $8.99 black plastic wall clock.

Charmaine: What made you choose a black plastic clock?

Evil: It's matches your keyboard.

Charmaine: My keyboard isn't black.

Evil: The bench is.

Charmaine: You bought a clock to match the bench below my Keyboard?

Evil: Yes.

After the wrinkle cream he could have offered me a black diamond and I would have thrown it at him. I packed up his left overs and pretended to fall asleep on the couch. He left. The minute he was out the door I miraculously sprang to life to life and called a friend.

Then I emailed Evil and broke up with him. "I'm not your mother" I said. "Where did you get this stuff anyway?"

"K-mart" he responded.


Comedy Goddess said...

And it all looked so promising! What a nightmare! It's the kind of stuff you put in a garage sale. Which is also a nightmarish experience. I don't like him. Just sayin.

Charmaine said...

Goddess - You are so right about him. 500 hundred strikes, and he's out. See tomorrows final post regarding Evil where I highlight some of the Christmas conversation. If you hate him now...just wait.

THEN....oh man oh man...there is another specimen I have to visit before my rematch with Pool Boy.

Mike said...

Oh that's easy. Cut him up to small parts and place into fake Tupperware containers to be dropped around town. If people start to get suspicious just cook him in either the pots or mircowave. You may need to use the skin cream to tenderize the cheap piece of meat.

Congrats on the IQ test.

Estela said...

Mike, I LOVE it!! And I'm NOT a vicious person, just sounds funny that you use everything gifted. Don't forget to use the clock to time the cooking.

Charmaine, NOT K-Mart. The items look a little more classier, like Wal-Mart. By the way, the Rubbermaid and cookware set were on sale on Black Friday...I know, I bought them!

Estela in South TX

Ann's Rants said...

Just as I suspected. Either he had the mega 20% off your TOTAL purchase at Bed, Bath, and Beyond or it was Dollar Tree. Now instead of a gift, you have a problem. Nice, dude. Nice.

Charmaine said...

You guys are KILLING me. Hilarious. Each and everyone one of you. I love you guys.

Hedgie said...

You've missed the point. He has Oedipal issues; he thinks you're his mother. You sure there weren't some support hose in there somewhere? You might want to check again just to be certain.

Try giving him a training potty and see what happens.

Charmaine said...

Oh Hedgie. That is a profound comment.

The irony...When I met Evil I had just entered rapid onset menopause. Full on and a little early to boot. I was lamenting the fact that I'd never had children.

There are no accidents. I was 50% of this madness.

Even though said it first. It didn't make sence until YOU said.

Thank you doctor. hee hee

Hedgie said...

Jawohl, freulein; mein bill ist in der mail.

Irish Gumbo said...


Sigh. I...It's...But...Okay, just when I think I can depend on other specimens of my gender to Do It Right...this happens.

It is to weep.

Darlin', I take back my comment on Booty Call Update. That $40 shirt is looking like OVERKILL at this point!

If I could push roses over the fiber optics, you'd have a dozen by now.

Charmaine said...

Hedgie - Did you ever read, "Great Cases in Psychoanalysis" by our friend Freud?

Despite being the father of psychoanalysis the man was out of his mind.

Irish - Fret not "real" man. This was my mistake. I did it. I own it. Now I'm throwing it out the window.

Is there anyone out there who needs some pots and pans?

Da Old Man said...

I have no idea what to say. It is impossible to think of the situation when any of those would be considered a good gift, unless your mom bought them for you when you were just out on your own.
Maybe for your birthday, you'll get a vacuum or an iron.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Lilly's Life said...

I think it says a lot about what he really thinks of women really. You need to run and never look back....truly..

Michelle J said...

Ok girl crush i am back!!!

I missed you by the way and i still love you as my first girlie crush!!! I needed you too but thats a whole other thing!!

These gifts IMHO are regifts. He had them at home and decided that he needed to get rid of them so he carefully wrapped them and drove them over to your house expecting you to think he was this amazing thoughtful dude and get his booty call. He thinks cheap pots and pans deserves some hanky panky!!!

Did i just say hanky panky??? WTF is that?? Hanky Panky??? Girl crush i would take all the stuff and put it out for the trash man. I bet the homeless guy would laugh at the stuff and walk right by to the next trash bin!!!

OK, so there i said it. I am jealous of evil dude because he got to spend holiday with you and i got to spend it with a jar of peanut butter!!!! :O)

Love you!!!

Braja said...


Still, wait a coupla weeks and refunds will buy you good pressies!!

Irish Gumbo said...

The Lovely C.:

Thank you for your perspective comment, that was great! Do you still know 'Andy'? If so, shake his hand and tell him I said hi. What a lovely sentiment, one that all of us would do well to remember. Great! I hope that wherever he is, he is doing well.

Thanks again!

bernthis said...

All he left out was a freaking vacuum cleaner. In the dumpster he goes sister.

Diane said...

Even when my daughter was little and had the WORST taste (like the earrings I used to leave the house wearing, but would leave in the car before going into work because they 1) hurt my ears, 2) hurt my eyes, and 3) offended everyone who looked upon me), she did better at choosing gifts. Lordy, lordy. I hope you snored when you pretended to be asleep. said...

Maybe your place looks like a dorm room? Seems that's what you would get a girl who is moving out on her own for the first time.

Anonymous said...

Never mind the cheapness of the gifts, but for God's sake, you don't give a woman household items as a gift unless: A) She's your daughter just starting out; B) She's just been left without due to a fire or natural disaster; C) She's trying to open a restaurant (and that's where you'd need to get the good stuff). Let me apologize on behalf of Men (note that I capitalize to distinguish the concept of Manhood from Malehood). His mother should be ashamed.

Simplicity said...

Well, it's not like I didn't know this before, but I believe it is official: Clays are idiots. This man should read Josh's blog and get some tips on how to step up to the plate!! Don't waste your cast iron on this man. If he bleeds, it will soak into the pot and probably cause some crazy chemical reaction. Good going on the faking asleep on the couch. Been there, done that!!

Michele said...

OMG! I'm totally speechless. Did he expect you to cook for him?

HumorSmith said...

Just thought you should know...I have never, ever, given a woman a gift that lame. Not even my mother.

I am so ashamed of my gender sometimes I me time here, all right?

Carolyn Burns Bass said...

Howling with laughter and sniffing back tears here.

I had an Evil Surfer Dude back in the day, but mine gave me perfume for Christmas. White Shoulders. Why? Because his mother wore it.

SweetPeaSurry said...

Silver lining?

You have gifts for other people who need those things for months and months to come.

Re-gifting is NOT a bad thing!!!

Pacing the Panic Room said...

I hope you donate this crap to Goodwill or something. Or maybe find some "trash" artist and see if they will make you a sculpture out of it. And then give that to Evil face. Like make some knife wielding robot made out of pots and pans.

I think you need to write a "standard" break-up letter that you keep on file for occasions like this and just hit send.

P.O.M. said...

Oh crap.
K-Mart, really?
Char - he is so creepy and weird on so many levels. You def should have gotten him extra small condoms.

Mama Dawg said...

As sad as that is.....I wouldn't mind receiving that.

Not as a gift from a romantic partner, but just in general. to have no money and get excited at knives and tupperware.

SSP said...

seriously....all he needed was a vacuum cleaner to make his point all that much clearer. He. Is. An. Idiot! He doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants someone to cook him dinner!! what a weenie!!

Briana said...

When my 14-year old son saw the list of presents, he immediately said, "He could have put all of that together and bought one good gift." If a 14-year old can realize that without any training, why can't a 50 something man? It's clearly too late for him.

High Desert Diva said...

Found my way over from Sweet Pea Surrey's blog...we share the same first name...not a common occurrence as you know.

Your blog/dating stories are hilarious.

I'll be back.

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