Monday, December 29, 2008

"Pick My Next Date" RESULTS

You came. You voted. The hunky surfer wins! (booty dance)

Bachelor #1. Eleven (11) votes
Bachelor #2. Three (3) votes
Bachelor #3. Four (4) votes
Bachelor #4. (Smelly Shelly's Dad) One (1) vote
Bachelor #5. (Evil Surfer Dude) One (1) vote

For those of you that refused vote, I'm not naming names, Mike, Hedgie, Pacing in the Panic Room, LL, Comedy Goddess, Mama Dawy. P.O.M and Tammy, it's a numbers game.

On the first date, the minute your eyes meet, you know. (When I first met Evil's gaze I thought; "JESUS this bastard is U.G.L.Y." Then he grew on me.

We ate lunch then strolled on the beach. To access the beach we had to descend a flight of stairs. I was wearing (look-at-me-I'm-a-hooker) platform shoes. I also had a torn meniscus. Because of the pain, each time my heel hit the stair I exclaimed, "Mother F*cker". (I said it approximately 30 times.) I could have said, God D*mn Mother F*cker, but I'm a lady.

It turned out that Evil had a penchant for profanity too. (Whew) Hey, I can control it. I mean, I use it...er, occasionally.

My Irish mother swore like a sailor. Since the people in my family were educated (physicians, attorneys, intellectuals, etc. ) I thought evidence of an advanced degree meant pronouncing the "F" word correctly. Irish people have mastered it. The effect is that it's delivery is as offensive as possible. I'm no Noam Chomsky but I think it's due to vestigial remains of the guttural articulations (sounds-like-grandma-is-extracting-phlegm) sounds commonly heard in Gaelic. I will never get it right. (Sigh)

On the beach we accidentally invaded a wedding video. We walked within inches of the video camera, peering directly into it before realizing what we had done. The bride said, "I do" and then Charmaine's enormous head is in the frame. Evil grabbed my hand and we fled, giggling.

Further down the beach we climbed up an abandonded life guard stand. To this day, at age 47, I cannot resist the temptation of an abandoned life guard stand. Especially ones with signs reading, "Keep Away" or "Do Not Enter".

Walking back up the stairs Evil pinched my bottom, "You're right. You don't have a butt." he said. Then he pinched it for the next 6 months until Christmas day when, gazing at him, I had the exact same thought I did when I first looked at him.

Here is my shameless add on plentyoffish.com.

I am a playful, zany, intelligent hard working woman. I'm a little artistic and an independent thinker. (It's difficult to discern if I'm to the left of Ralph Nader or to the right of Attila the Hun) - but only when I'm being tricky.

I like physical and mental challenges, my own space and invading other people’s space. Some of my skills include walking on water, reading minds and levitating small to medium sized objects, but I don’t like to brag about this.

If YOU were on a dating website (even if you're married) what would YOUR profile say? There is a prize involved. The winner is going to get something GREAT. My first blog award. Possibly one of Evil's Christmas presents. I can't decide.

34 comments:

Braja said...

OK time to get the Bollywood scenes fixed in your head :) I'm not writing a notice...I will leave it to someone to write one for me :)

Mike said...

Well you get what you paid for with POF. Also I get a lot of my stuff for my second blog from there so you know.

Tammy said...

So, you see, first impressions DON'T always mean anything...

I have the bad habit of attaching and hanging onto arrogant jerks, thus my immediate attraction to your Bachelor #1...

I'll have to get back to you on what my profile would say...

Braja said...

Oh ok ok ok. I'll write one. Gimme time.....

Charmaine said...

I already have three (3) Saris. I am READY. I even have the pins.

I've been around, what can I say.

Braja said...

Extremely arrogant, Queen-like Alpha female seeks....well, no one actually. I'm not looking for you, you're looking for me, remember? You might get a look in if you can laugh at and love all things Bollywood (but laugh at the wrong bits and you're toast). Extremely artistic, brilliant at everything, but could use some more cash. Call me.

Lilly's Life said...

Mine would say 'desperate but still choosy', do you think that is a bit short on words? He he.

The thing is I just forget how easy it was when I was younger - until my daughter came back home for Christmas. She goes to the Zoo, pats the Cheetah and the Zoo Keeper asks her out. We went to the supermarket yesterday and I swear this guy followed us around the supermarket before he 'accidentally' dropped something in front of her to get her attention. We went to Church with her grandmother (you aren't the only one to have those Irish mothers) and she gets chatted up (and no, not by the priest). All gorgeous looking guys too. She is oblivious to it all. Except she likes the professional types who know how to use the f word as creatively as possible.

The field narrows for some of us the older we get I tell you so make that date with No 1 ASAP and enjoy the view if nothing else.

He is lucky to be going out with you - your profile sounds way better than the three you posted. But go with your gut instincts on this one - if the bastard cant look you in the eyes, is ugly, dumb, shady, lying, a bad dresser or still wearing his wedding ring, run, forrest run and don't look back.....

PS If this date doesn't turn out in a positive way please don't blame us.....oh and leave those shoes behind this time...have fun!!

SweetPeaSurry said...

Hmmm ... excellent challenge. I'm afraid I'm not witty enough to make one up ... I may go steal one from somewhere. I like to win, even if I have to cheat ... and I could really use a new set of knives!!! *snickers*

Ann's Rants said...

So I guess you counted my vote, even though I just said definitely not Tantric Man.

You are clever and hilarious. Did you know that?

What is it with women and swearing. When I was in labor I decided to shout "sonuvabitch" when I yearned to scream "jeezusfckgkrist"...feared offending the nurse.

Braja said...

Wow...a sari wearer?! I'm loving you more...

Briana said...

Charmin, you know I love you, but I'll have to say that I hate your profile. There is a time and place for sarcasm, and then, there is a degree. You are soooo funny, but in this ad, it seems like you are trying too hard. Ridiculous isn't funny. I know I'm a bitch, but you're my sister - I'm allowed.

Braja said...

I'm with Briana...your write up stinks honey :)) She knows stuff, that Briana...like how God is a woman :0

Hedgie said...

Male.
Used.
Wrinkly.
Retired.
Bathes.
Sedentary.
Housebroken.
Hair: Some.
Teeth: Most.
Eyes: Sad.
Available.

Michele said...

No wonder my Irish husband can swear like a motherf**ker! It's genetic.

So for you profanity is for recreational use only? I like that. LOL

I've been out of the dating scene for like ever, so give me some time to come up with a notice.

Simplicity said...

LOL! I think Hedgie wins by default! LOL!

Simplicity said...

I have a few Saris...bring on the Bollywood!!

Charmaine said...

Okay damn-it. I'll re-write my profile and actually be ME.

Groaning...throwing a sock against the wall then eyeing the bottle of Chardonnay in the fridge.

Of course I'm still single cuz I was trying to be someone else. I totally lifted the last paragraph of my profile from some other guy.

I was inspired by Oscar Wilde. He occasionally plagiarized. Braja and Briana just kicked me to the curb. Maybe if I"m real, I'll attract men who I might actually LIKE.

Braja said...

Now you're talkin' girl :) And I wrote you my bloody marriage ad and NO RESPONSE??!?!? Jaysus, nothin' like appreciation....

LL said...

"Maybe if I"m real, I'll attract men who I might actually LIKE."

Don't count on it... :P

And none of the above got 8 votes... 8!!! I think that's what the masses wanted, and you snubbed us. Oh for shame...

And Plentyoffish should probably be known as plenty of suckers and carp from the looks of things...

Femin Susan said...

Hi......
Your blog is really interesting... Keep posting.... Wishing you " A Happy New Year''

Mama Dawg said...

I haven't done one of these in a long time (like 7 years). I hated doing it then.

I actually liked yours.

Comedy Goddess said...

Since I cannot think of anything and I am way behind the comment rush, I will take your old one. It was brilliant! You are brilliant!

I cheated the dating game and fell in love again with the man I loved when we were in our 20's. We split back then,and married other people who kicked our collective asses. After getting divorced, we found each other. We consider ourselves lucky. No marriage plans yet. It's very convenient.

Mike said...

Do you like the tall silent type? Well if you do then their is nothing to see here so keep moving along. I'm silly, bubbly, and I smile a lot. To be completly honest I like sex more than the average person and know how object A goes into slot B many different ways. So if your interested I'll be here all week. Tip your waitstaff and don't forget to try the veal.

WA said...

You are hilarious.
And I always thought swearing like a sailor meant you said things like, "Land ho, fuckface". No?

Tammy said...

Seriously? I think I would need somebody far more creative to write a profile for me, about me...

I'm inclined to say something along the lines of... I'm tired and weary of all of the same old crap. I'm smart enough to know BS when I see it, so please respond only if you are for real.

Beans said...

Meh. So glad I don't have to post it but wanna hear it, here it goes...

Charming, a smidgen odd, loves to laugh, embarass loved ones in public places, accepts dares and never gives up. I'm interested in getting to know you naked. Boring people need not apply.

I did the eHarmony thing for a while and found the oddest, perviest, and scariest men. Of course I dated them all. I wanted to taste the flavors of the rainbow if you know what I mean. It wasn't the brightest idea I have ever had but boy howdy do I have stories.

Heather said...

I wish I could write a profile but I've lost my physical voice and therefore my internal voice has disappeared it is f***ing annoying! I'm a Brit and we swear all the time! I am having a hard time not swearing in the car when my kids are there as it comes naturally to me.

P.O.M. said...

Are you REALLY going to go out with that guy? Wear those new undies that I helped you pick out because they will be on his floor before you know it. (Please throw out the ones with holes)

My ad:
Athletic, sexy, smart lady seeking TALL, wealthy, hot piece of ass with a brain and no hang ups. Also must know that sushi is not chinese food.

PS: I have a sari, too.

ginger b said...

Mine is exactly what my blogger profile says. And if they want a "tag line" I use, "Why yes! I am a hand model."

And then I wonder why I'm single...

I love this blog, btw.

Ann's Rants said...

Way to totally hoar-up comments, my friend! Okay:

Exhausted, withering, mother of two seeking TIME TO HERSELF. I mean mate who enjoys letting her sleep, taking care of said children, and preparing delicious healthful meals for entire family. Cleaning skills mandatory. Sense of humor helpful. Life of your own? Need not apply.

SSP said...

I've been CALLED "sari" but I don't have one, My useless POF profile says (in part):

I am not looking to be "completed" cuz I am pretty dang complete as is, but I am looking for someone to be a part of my life. I am independent, and generally happy, though being female, and employed in the arts, I have my moody moments. I am adventurous, I have small feet and big brains, and I like silly and goofy as well as twisted and elusive. I can't stand people that when asked, "What do you want to do," say, "I don't know, what do YOU want to do?" I asked, now you need to have an opinion!! I am allergic to cats, so if you have them and are not willing to give them up for the right woman, please don't bother - I will just make you mad...I will probably drive you mad anyway, even if you DON'T have cats, as i seem to have that effect, but the cat thing is a deal breaker!

too much??

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

I'm with Ann Rants on this. In fact, I may put out an ad with that as my profile. I guess it would be an ad for a butler or something, tho', because my husband would be pretty pissed if I started on-line dating, too. ;-)

Good luck!!!

Train Wreck said...

Ok I know I am a pretty new reader, ok a semi attractive new reader. Is the proffessional surfer different from the evil surfer dude? Cuz he is HOT! No wonder he is a professional surfer. He has to keep his body continually in the water so it won't burn up! Now I gotta go back and have another look. mmmmm hapy face mmmm

Admin said...

http://www.You4Dating.com , is a Profesional Dating Site Visit Site and Find Your Match at:
http://www.You4Dating.com
-------------------------
http://www.You4Dating.com