Monday, December 15, 2008

I Love Cows

Within minutes of my last post I was warned that "Braja" might
be traumatized to learn that I eat cows.

Braja (who lives in a small village in India) unbelievably posted her profound and abiding love for cows (she owns one as a pet) on the very SAME DAY I posted my recipe for Veal.

Braja. I beg you, PULEEEZ do not read the post below. Don't do it. Really, stop right here. I see you going for your mouse. I'm not kidding, STOP. For the love of Jesus, Buddha, Allah... STOPPPPPP!!!!! (faints)

On a dating note: In a moment of weakness (drunken stupor) late last night, I sent "Evil Surfer Dude" an email: "I want to see you one last time."

I awoke this morning in a panic so violent my leg shot out and I fell off the couch. Picking myself off the floor I stumbled toward the computer. Please God it was just a dream, right? I hate "Evil Surfer Dude" I would NEVER send him an email. Rushing to my hotmail, I clicked the "sent" folder... a blood curdling scream. Ahhhhhhhhh

Evil and I broke up weeks ago. One day I simply couldn't stand the sight of him. Everything he had done wrong hit me at once.

Here's the problem...it's the holidays and I was feeling kinda lonely and...um...I remembered there was ONE thing that Evil didn't do wrong.

He's coming over on Friday.

Now I realize, that uh...technically speaking this might be considered a "booty call". But I am so NOT that gal. I have never been on either side of the "booty call" phenomenon. I don't have a booty TO call.

I'm "uptight". I practise the "three (3) month" rule. No Hanky Panky" for three (3) months. Prior to "Evil" I practised the No Hanky Panky until the wedding night rule for about seven (7) years.

"Evil" counted down the days. "Hi Charmaine, it's day 63". "Hey Charmaine, we're on day 74, you'd better get ready".

He will arrive and I will likely have that visceral, gut wrenching disgust for him rise in me again and slam the door in his face.

But I'll keep it at bay until he gives me my Christmas presents.

48 comments:

Mike said...

a) sorry to say it's a booty call. Not having a booty doesn't make you immune to the term.
b) you can always call and cancel.

Ann's Rants said...

Oh, it is SO a booty call. Come and get a badge over at my place, Merry Cow-mas!

Michele said...

Yeah! It's a booty call but he has already fulfilled the 3 months rule. So, it's doesn't count as being easy.

It's nice to hear of someone else that has a 3 month rule. JR waited pretty impatiently for 90 days.

Charmaine said...

Mike-groan.
Ann's Rants- a badge? weeee
Michele- you have the 3 month rule too? It works pretty well doesn't it?

Hedgie said...

tsk, tsk, tsk.

*shaking head sadly*

Michelle J said...

:O(

Charmaine said...

Hedgie and Michelle - The deed is NOT YET DONE.

I plan,plot and scheme hundreds of things I never do.

But we'll have to wait until Friday to find out. Perhaps ya'll should start placing bets?

Will she do it, or won't she?

SSP said...

now i may not be a "fan" of cow meat in general (though I will eat my mother's lasagne), but I know a booty call, or the premise of one, when I see/hear it! And a desperate email written in loneliness is most definitely a booty call...now as for your 3 month rule...I got a 2 1/2 year rule going on right now, so I pity the fool that shows any physical interest in ME next!

Charmaine said...

SSP - Let me know when you get to the 7 year rule. When you get there, I will pass my torch into y our capable hands.

Surely, no one can beat my seven year streak?

Estela said...

I'm with Mike....call & cancel.

Honestly, what's with "one last time"? Haven't you already done the "one last time" several times since about July? C'mon Charmaine, you are WOMAN, you are STRONG! You know that relationship already died a long-slow death, why try to revive it now?

The FINAL cut was made already, there are no pieces left to bring together.

Just my .02
Estela in South TX...also a strong, single woman

Hedgie said...

What you need, of course, is some of my spaghetti which would make you forget all your problems as it's the best spaghetti in the world, as I've learned the secret to making it; the secret's not in the ingredients but in how it's made. It requires the delicate touch of a lover gently and slowly but firmly caressing an erogenous zone into the most intense state of arousal, then sweetly and painfully holding it there, on and on and on and on, just at but denying the mercy of release until . . . .

But then, you probably don't like spaghetti.

Charmaine said...

Estela- I KNOW. Seriously I do. Even when I make these intellectual mistakes my body won't let me get away with it. I just see his face and I am physically repulsed. Within minutes I am yelling, "get out of my house". Which means, clearly, I am CRAZY.

I will call and cancel. But I know him. He will show up anyway. It's too late. I'll play it with quiet dignity. If that does't work I'll do what I always do, point at the door and say, "get out"!

Vodka Mom said...

but wait, didn't you just call yourself a whore over at Ann's place?

Vodka Mom said...

(haaaaaaaa) xoxoxox

Charmaine said...

Hedgie,

I've never met anyone who make spaghetti sound...dirty.

Hedgie said...

I prefer the term "earthy"; after all, isn't it every woman's dream to be regarded as an earth(y) goddess?

SSP said...

dear lord, I am now hungry....for spaghetti and none of that crap my italian grandma makes, i want some of that EARTHY stuff Hedgie fixes

cancel cancel cancel.....you are woman, you kick ass, and if you can do it for 7 years, you can wait for someone else, but dear god, i hope i don't inherit your torch.

Charmaine said...

Vodka Mom - I am a very complex person. hee hee

Braja said...

Yeah he only rang cos it's 3 months. Sheesh, Charmaine, are you blonde under that??

It's your bad karma biting you in the ass. That message was sponsored by my cow friends. They said, "Bite me, and not in the way you want to." So there. And if you're going to shamelessly throw my name around your site, I'm going to shamelessly demand you LINK IT, WOMAN. Yeah, who's whoring now, huh? HUH????

Michelle J said...

:O(

:O(

:O(

Braja said...

Charmaine: Oh sure, go ahead, make me shamelessly whore MYSELF out. OK, do it like this: (hehe...)

In your post edit window (where you wrote the damned thing), you highlight what you want to link and then on the little bar above where you're writing you'll see a chain symbol for linking...it's a pale green button. Click that and type in my blog address which you get by going to my site and copying and pasting the address bar. It's that easy.

Hedgie said...

SSP and any other interested parties -- There's plenty of spaghetti sauce; I have to make it in 2 - 3 gallon batches to get it right. And there's always room for more earth(y) goddesses; there are never enough of those.

Braja said...

and btw i totally read that post yesterday and skipped the nasties and even commented on the tomatoes. I'm so open-mindedly embracing the wierdness in all. No realy....

Train Wreck said...

LMAO!! Thanks for stopping by my page. I don't know how you found me? I am glad you did! Girl you are hilarious! I will have to read up on your adventures. THanks for that as if being in Las Vegas for the last two weeks haqsn't set me back far enough, he he he! I am sure I will be back, stop by my place any time.

LL said...

You don't know how she found you TW?

I'll give you a hint (I think)...

And I'll give Charmaine this... you do get around... don't you. ;P

Simplicity said...

Well, I won't bother giving my opinion about your future booty call because I understand what being lonely is all about. We do stupid things even if we DO have rules! I don't have a hard and fast rule, but I've been called an 'Ice Queen' before! Just sayin'...

Michele said...

The 3 month rule works great. Good indicator of whether it is a relationship or just a hook up.

I started it in high school. I think I was the only one though since my high school had the high pregnancy rate in the state of Washington.

PaulsHealthblog.com said...

Came over here to check out your website, from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars, to see what the fuss was all about.

So far, so good!

Merry Christmas!

BlueEyedWonder said...

heheheheh...love your stories! I didn't start dating again until this past March..and have only gone out with 2..so far.
I've been out on my own for almost 6 yrs and it took me just over 5 yrs to decide to get back out there..
And I can say..I just don't care for the dating scene!!
Leave me with my group friends!!
Thanks Hedgie for sending me on over here..and I'm following your blog Charmaine...

Charmaine said...

LL: Yes I do get around but not in that "fun" way you may think.

Train Wreck: You're no train wreck. Post of pick of your soon to be hubby!

Michelle: Don't worry little lady. Trust your "gut" when it comes to me. I could no sooner have a booty call then volunteer for an elective root canal. I do, however, allow myself the indulgence of thinking about it.

SSP: Roger that.

LL: You're right. Of COURSE you're right!!!!

Paul Heath: Nice to meet ya!

Simplicity: Men generally refer to be as a stuck up prude. I've heard that MORE then once.

Blue Eyes: Hang in there.

Henry the Dog said...

This post is simply too rude for a little dog like me;)

Braja said...

Oh poor Henry :)

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

i'm coming up on the "two year" no hanky panky rule. and i might jab my eyes out with a red hot poker.

LL said...

*psst* TW is already married, and has been for a while. I think you might be blogmingling.

Irish Chicken Soup said...

:( Good luck whatever the decision.

Thinkinfyou said...

Ahh! You are a girl after my own heart...getting the presents before slamming the door is a perfect plan!!!

Last Place Finisher said...

Great stuff. Love your honesty and the way that you seem to question yourself.

Last Place Finisher said...

Howdy Charmaine,

I didn't know how to do this another way (I'm a blogging idiot).

I think it means that you the kind of person who makes the effort to look closely at something and recognize the beauty and strength of what lies beyond.

Thanks for visiting.

Braja said...

Shout out. My place. BECAUSE YOU'RE WORTH IT!

bernthis said...

You'll feel horny way before you feel disgusted, trust me.

French Fancy said...

I've never heard this phrase'bootycall'but I've got a good idea what it means:)
what will you wear for this ESD? You must tell us all the gruesome details, Charmaine

Hedgie said...

Given Charmaine's entirely uncharacteristic and prolonged silence, should we infer that she has eloped with -- as this blog demonstrates -- some entirely unsuitable suitor?

P.O.M. said...

Oh
My
GAWD

Well, I say get what you want and kick him out. He doesn't need to hang around after (or before).

Here's a song for you - youtube it:
Pony by Far.

P.O.M. said...

More comments from me cuz you miss me:

1. 3 month rule? WTF? What about a 3 date rule? That's more like it.

2. Sex is good. Have it often.

3. Buy a vibrator.

That is all. luvs.

Train Wreck said...

"blogmingling" LMAO! Oh great now I will not only have to keep up with your posts, but go back and read your comments to our comments! hahaha! Did you find me on LL's page? Isn't he a hoot!? I like him too, but don't tell him. His head might explode! lol

Charmaine said...

I just want to say, I don't get the vibrator thing.

I just don't get it.

This is an old post so, no one will respond.

Marinka said...

Wait, he's not a cow, is he?

Charmaine said...

Braja- Of course not. Cows are kind.