Friday, December 12, 2008

Sir Talk-Alot

Sir Talk-Alot had a great voice, deep, authoritative and friendly. His phone messages were fantastic. He was practising the always popular, I'm-lowering-my-voice-by-one-octave-on-the-phone-so -you-think-I'm-manly technique. I think it's cute when men do that.

He's 48 and owns an investment firm. He was previously a Motivational Speaker.

I believe it. I've hired plenty.

In our first conversation, however, I became irritated. In planning our date it became clear that he intended to spend the entire day together.

This sent bolts of panic down my spine.

He suggested we meeting for coffee, stroll on the beach, drive over and hop on a gondola for some wine and cheese followed by dinner.

I met him at my local Starbucks.

He rushed to meet me in the middle of the crosswalk for a hello hug. That was cute. We walked to his filthy dented car. Not so cute.

I soon learned he did not have a gondola reserved. He did not have lunch/dinner or any other manner of reservation. He had no plan what-so-ever.

I don’t mind taking charge but not after a man tells me he has it under control.

The irony is that I’m a planner by profession. But honestly, I don’t like to plan a first date.

I know I'll come up with a thrilling surprise, like trapeze lessons, then the guy will show up with the prosthetic arm he forgot to mention.

I maneuvered the date from beginning to end. I began…turn left and lets take the car Ferry to Balboa Peninsula. Turn right. Park. Walk this way. Look up there, how about lunch at Newport Landing? Good? Good.

During lunch he told me his life story. All 48 years worth. Now, there is nothing wrong with that. Really there isn't. But there is a problem.

I can’t take my eyes off his yellow teeth.

I can’t even focus on what he’s saying. I’m mesmerized, transfixed, TRAPPED in my own secret world of thoughts about his yellow teeth. And they are playing.. non-stop... in my head.

They sound like this; “In this day and age is there a reason to have yellow teeth? Why does he have yellow teeth? Why are they so pointy? Weird. He looks like a werewolf” He’s talking about his first wife now…. I’m thinking, "All you have to do is go to the drug store for Plus White. It costs, $5.00 bucks? Does he not have $5.00 bucks?” He’s telling me about his terrific kids now. They're in the theatre... All I’m hearing is; “He has employees, is it possible that not one has mentioned his yellow teeth as a professional courtesy? I would tell him if I worked for him. But I could never work for someone with such perplexingly pointy teeth. Is that how his wife died? He gave her a"love-bite" and it ended in a blood bath?.

My thoughts cascade down a slippery slope to not-so-very-nice thoughts; “he’s not 5’10” he’s 5’8” why lie about it? Is that a stain on his shirt? Who dresses this man? You get the picture.

Surprisingly the date lasted 3 hours. He asked me out to see Camelot playing in L.A. I said yes. Then I cancelled last night. I'm still pissed off about the Gondola.

I was looking forward to that.

Restaurant Date Review
Newport Landing Oyster Bar and Grill

I used to come here when I lived with Bill (10 year man). Frankly, I don't know what I ever saw in the joint. But I was younger then. It has live music and is a seafood restaurant. I thought the fish sucked. Have I mentioned that I am a food snob? Snobs aren't actually supposed to use the word "sucked" when critiqueing restaurants. But I do. Cuz I'm special.


P.O.M. said...

Men - please take note of the important things for a first date:
1. Clean Shirt
2. Clean teeth
3. Shoes. Good shoes. We notice!

They just keep getting better and better!

Charmaine said...

Yea. What she said.

BP said...

Ok, I appreciate that this man has hygiene-related flaws; however, I would like to point out that you do not get to criticize a guy for not planning the gondola thing when you specifically told him you did not want an 8 hour date. He tried to accommodate you and you held it against him. Not fair. Plus, you do want to plan everything. You would have a hissy if a man told you what you were doing without your input or consent.

Charmaine said...


It is possible that you are right about the gondola.

I still think he should have had some plan for our date. I plan events all day...When I'm off work...I don't wanna work. :-)

Good comments bp. Are you a lawyer?

bernthis said...

I had a date with a guy with pointy teeth too!!!!! We are like twinsees. I did everything i could to stop him from smiling b/c it drove me nuts and I too, couldn't take my eyes off them.

Every time he got onto a "happy" topic I would say something like, "Do you know how many people in Darfur died just this week alone?"


Charmaine said...


You are a genius. Flat out. I am taking notes.

Comedy Goddess said...

I met my ex-husband when he was 48. I was 32. I saw his out of the boxness as cool self expression. Took me eight years to see that what was once cool was really just bizarre behavior. Sigh. Sigh again.

Braja said...

Oh my lord. Shame about the gondola.

I left you a little treat in my sidebar...

Da Old Man said...

Just stopped by to read. I wasn't going to leave a message, but I've been here a while and read a few months worth of entries. Decided I better say something or you'd think I was some sort of stalker.
Your writing is hilarious. I wish you dating success. And, I'm adding you to my blogroll so I remember to return.

Michelle J said...

First of all girlie
You are becoming quite popular!!! Like people are flocking here to read all about your dating escapades!! I love that!! I love that you are popular because you so deserve it!!!

I just love you!!!

Comedy Goddess said...

Before you go out tonight, check out the fella at my place!

Doorknob Lover said...

Oh yes, I am advanced for my age. I love your blogs. They are amazing. Reading them makes me happy. I am best friends with my "Don't you dare touch me you bastard" side... as a matter of fact, I advanced it to... "If you come near me I will stab you with the closest object". =D
haha. Oh yes. It wasn't true porn it was a movie about two friends who decide to make porn to make some money they desperately need. but it was disturbing, just a bit.

Doorknob Lover said...

wow, I have slightly yellow teeth. I don't have dental insurance yet. I am also poor. College has the amazing ability to suck all of your money out of you. Rent your own gondola and have fun...... no one needs men. No fun. I dislike liars. oh wow I have rambled and you now have two comments from me.... wow. sorry. This the result of cold medicine, no sleep, waiting, and boredom.

Charmaine said...

Comedy Goddess - give me a nerd any day of the week. Flat out.

Braja- What could it be?

Da Old Man - You can't be my stalker cuz I just had a lunch date with him. ahhhh

Michelle - I love you too!

Doorknob Lover - I am beyond relieved to learn that you did not see an actual pornographic film. I accidentally saw one about 20 years ago and I still wake up at nights screaming, "get away from that girl you filthy pervert what are you doing to her, stop hurting her ahhhhh" For white teeth, trot your adorable self to the drug store. There is this stuff in a tube called Plus White. It's about $5.00 bucks. Leave in on as long as you can for 2 weeks and you will stop traffic with your white smile.

Jan said...

Charmaine, my email is Drop me a note there.

P.O.M. said...

The food totally sucks there but the location is perfecto for me. Lots of drinks and don't have to drive.

So really... you have all these new fans. It's very fun for you :)