Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Worst Date I Ever Loved - Date 2 - Bad Boy Gone Good

I'm in reprisal mode. Small error in the last post. This is date #2 with self-described "Bad Boy Gone Good". This is for Hedgie.

He brought me to a shooting range.
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This was precipitated by the "stranger from match.com appearing on my doorstep despite the fact I never gave him my address and told him I was not interested"...scare.
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This is my my target sheet.
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He dead.
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I took a class, taught by a toothless red neck (I'm being kind). We proceeded to the target range where I fired 4 rounds.
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Then something came over me. I was near tears. Each time I heard the BANGS, I jumped out of my skin. It was clear....
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I was freaking out.
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I excused myself to the disgust of the instructor who clearly thought I was un-American.
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To recover, my date suggested a whimsical change of pace; how about popping over to Walmart across the street? "Ok." I said. I've never been to Walmart.
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I heard they have retired people as greeters. Would my retired date know the greeter? Wouldn't it be funny if my date had dated the greeter?
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But I digress.
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I paid for my stuff. My date, standing behind me in line, said: "You could have just paid for my mouthwash ". "Huh?" I said, scrunching up my face.
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He replied,"The least you can do is buy me lunch." That pretty much killed it for me. It is unclear when a woman should pay. But surely not on the second date?
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I decided to get over it. To get through the day I would buy the man lunch. (He paid for the gun class so I guess it was fair). I was over it. I WAS!
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Right up until he ordered the Maine Lobster.
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After lunch we motored in a Duffy Boat around Newport Harbor. Being on the ocean relaxed me. We returned the boat...of COURSE he'd borrowed it (rather then rent one) from a friend. A nice woman. He introduced me and we had a glass on wine on her porch.
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After 30 minutes of conversation I realized with horror...
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I had dated her SON. I had been in her last house (she wasn't home). I'd even been in her refrigerator. I know how she marinates her barbecued chicken!!
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It's how I marinate MY chicken as a result. (Brilliant by the way, just put chicken in a baggie with tons of Teriyaki, sugar and garlic).
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Her son, Mitch, was much younger then me by 10 years...could it have been 15? He was the youngest of her children. I knew all about her. Had she heard about me?
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The the remainder of the conversation is a blur. I could see her mouth moving...
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But the voice in my head drowned out every word:
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"Does she know? She couldn't. Why did she bring up Mitch and then gaze directly at ME? That was weird. She just did it again. Jesus. If I admit my crime this torture will end. I could tell funny stories about the lad. Mother of God, noo. But it WOULD be funny. Shut up evil Charmaine personality. I won't. Oh Yes you will. No. I said YES! Since when do I have multiple personality disorder? How will I respond if confronted? "Sure, I dated your son who, technically speaking, could be my son. "See? We have so much in common already, isn't that terrific? Great Barbequed chicken, by the way."
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RING RING, "Oh that was just my son, Mitch." She's looking at me again. "Oh Really? Is he coming over? "Why do you ask?" "No reason."
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I must have blacked out. The next thing I knew, I was home.

Favorite Quote: "I'll have an iced tea and the Main Lobster please"

15 comments:

Road Warrior said...

My god. It's hard to imagine why someone like him is single. What a catch!

Charmaine said...

Or maybe I inspire this kind of behavior? I'm starting to get paranoid that it's me.

Road Warrior said...

Based on what you've written in the past, I don't think it's you.

You just seem to be looking for a reasonable amount of respect in your dating life and these guys just don't seem to fit the bill, though the last guy wanted you to foot it.

Briana said...

Hmmm. I'm thinking that Barack Obama's comments about the blue collar people clinging to things like guns and faith might be why you freaked out at the gun range. You are not blue collar and your body was objecting to the fact that you put in a location where blue collar people congregate. Of course, pundits are saying he may have just lost the general election due to this statement, but that doesn't mean it's not true!

Charmaine said...

Briana,

The people at the gun range were clinging to and very gleefull with their guns. I definitely was not. The fact that I could have shot and killed one of them, or the reverse, did freak me out. I was humbled by the power of the gun.

I dunno about Barack's comment. Maybe he was being elitist or maybe he was right? I have blue collar friends and they are not what he described. Maybe it's just an intelligence thing. You don't have to have an advanced degree to be intelligent. My gun safety instructor was, however, a moron.

Simplicity said...

That quote about the Maine lobster almost made me spit out my Red Bull! (That stuff's expensive so I'm glad I didn't!)

I think I'll just stick with shacking up with my Blackberry until further notice.

Dating is challenging to say the least!!

Kudos to you for putting yourself out there!

Charmaine said...

Simplicity...nothing is as funny as reality.

I'm doing reprisals all week and trust me...you aint seen nothin' yet.

hee hee

Shakespeare's Housekeeper said...

Hi Charmaine!
Fab blog- thanks so much for posting on mine.
I see you're piscean- that makes two of us, and i often wonder if a dream life is better than the real thing...
These chaps you're hooking up with-there are some right corkers in there!

Shakespeare's Housekeeper.xx

Michelle J said...

Girl this is priceless right here!!! I laughed, i cried, i giggled, i frowned, i did it all!!!

You really are a great writer. So prolific and honest and funny. I hope thats what you were trying to be!!!

You are way too good for these guys!!! We need to go out together!! Drinking perhaps? Then pick up some younger dudes and just have fun!!!

Whatever these younger dudes are into these days!! We must find out!!!

Hedgie said...

Ah, shucks --jist fur me?

*draws circles in dust with big toe*

Criminy, Ah jist don't know whatall to say.

*blush*

SSP said...

even funnier on the second read....

JIMSIGHT said...

It all begs the age old question, what came first the chicken or the date?

Briana said...

Once I met a guy (probably at a bar). He told me a bunch of friends were going up to a ski resort the next day for the crazy spring event when drunk people put on skis and jump off of a slope into a freezing pond. The point is to ski across the pond to the other side, but that almost never happens. He called in the morning. I tried to back out, but then said ok. So I drive to his apartment, where he is outside drinking out of a big bottle of wine (It's early morning). Then he tells me that his friends weren't going and do I want to go shoot his gun. Weird, but ok. Then I get in his car with him and he drives way up in some remote area of the mountains somewhere. I became a little nervous at this point. So we are out on the middle of nowhere with no one around. He sets up bottles and stuff on a log for us to shoot at. He is standing with a loaded weapon in the middle of the boonies, no witnesses, and no one knows where I am or who I am with. I have to say I was a little nervous. Needless to say, he didn't kill me. And, much to my surprise, shooting the gun was actually kind of fun. But that's it. Once was enough. No need to shoot a gun again.

Charmaine said...

Briana,

I think shooting a gun outside is a little different.

At a range you are inside a giant metal box with 20 other people firing away.

Despite wearing headphone, I was not prepared for the ear drum shattering sound.

Plus, I was using Bad Boy Gone Good's Guns. That sort of have a nice ring to it, didn't it?

And they were big guns. The kick-back forced the barrel at 90 degrees. About 20 degrees from my head.

THEN, you realize you are SURROUNDED by people with guns just inches away. What if they slip. What if you slip?

Worse, what if an x-boyfriend is in the box?

Shakespeare's Housekeeper said...

Hullo!
Thanks for the link Charmaine- nice to have a new mate!
I remember clay-pigeon shooting with a load of other young mad things.
As you say, what happens if one of them doesn't get it quite right...


SH xx