Friday, December 12, 2008

The Enthusiast

Approximately five (5) minutes before slipping out the door for my lunch date with "The Enthusiast" I received this email;

When their eyes met their was a spark!
When their lips met their was lighting!!
When their hearts met,.. their was thunder!!!!

My response to his hopeful message was: "Ahhhhh
hhhh". (Breathing in) "Ahhhhhhhhh".

Prior to this he had left approximately eight (8) messages on my cell per day.Don't get me wrong, I enjoy enthusiasm. I really do. But say, after the seventh time I don't pick up.... shouldn't it infer I don't want to talk?

Checking my messages:

Enthusiast: "Hi Charmaine this is…"
click
Enthusiast: "Hi Charmaine this is..."
click
Enthusiast: "Hi Charmaine this is..."
click

I'm not a cruel woman. I just have a short attention span. Please don't say the exact same thing...if you don't want me to hang up.

Eventually we talked. And talk he did until my cell died. I confess to having had two glasses of wine (and a Tylenol PM) which miraculously helps the time fly.

Our conversation:

Enthusiast: "The first time I had sex with my High School girlfriend was..."
Me: "Wow."
Enthusiast: "Bla bla bla"
Me: "Really?"
Enthusiast: " Bla bla bla."
Me: Fails to respond. Sound of heavy breathing. SNORT.

(I have sleep apnea.)

The next day he called, "Meet me at the Mexican Food Place on the right after crossing the bridge onto Newport Boulevard.

I've lived here a LONG time. I had no idea where he meant. But I could get there.

I arrived to learn that this man drove 1.5 hours from San Diego to meet me at a fast food dive.

He said, "Wow, you are nothing like I pictured. I had no idea you would be so hot". I appreciated this remark. I'd had my hair done the day prior.

When I arrived my hairstylist commented, "Jeez. You are totally Blonde and your hair is fried". I said, "I know. Just fix it".

Apparently "just fix it,” means dye the clients hair black.

We placed our orders. He told the girl behind the counter the order was, "to go". Huh? "Where are you taking me?" I said. "It's a surprise" he responded. "You'd better not try to abduct me cuz I'll kick your ass" I said affectionately..

His plan was to take our disgusting lunch and drive to the Balboa Auto Ferry (sit on the bench as the Ferry drove back and forth) and eat it.

I imagine he thought this was clever. (I had mentioned that I like the water.) But I live here. The Auto Ferry is a means to an end, it’s a way of getting from point A to point B. I like it, for sure, but the smell of diesel fuel as locals glare at me from behind their car windows as I eat lunch like a refugee from Afghanistan with no place to go doesn't really work for me.

He paid the Ferry boy an extra 10 bucks for the privilege of allowing us to go back and forth on the Ferry. The kid tried to give the money back. The Enthusiast was demonstrating that he was a big spender. The burrito in front of me begged to differ.

Now here's the thing. I told "The Enthusiast" about my blog. (Note to self: Don’t ever do that again.) I told him I would not write about him or post his picture.

I did not post his picture so, technically speaking, I am not a total liar. Right?

36 comments:

JIMSIGHT said...

Sounds dreamy...My daughter used to love grabbing a slice at the Giant New York Pizza place around the corner from the fun zone and do the ferry back and forth while she ate, of course she was five at the time...BWaaaahhhh.....so can't wait to read about the second date...

Why does he say click?

nikkicrumpet said...

OH MY...I just read The enthusiast, the talker, and good gone bad. Dang I'm glad I accidentally bumped in to mine 2700 miles from home and somehow he couldn't get rid of me. This sounds like SUCH hard work! And as gorgeous as you are...you should have em lining up!

Charmaine said...

Jim,

I called you today.

You just don't know it cuz I never hit the "send" button.

I was calling to advise you of the very important fact that my hair color just became black.

It's a long story.

I know it does not matter despite the fact that I was crying in some parking lot in Costa Mesa because, despite evidence to the contray, I really AM that superficial...

Shit.

JIMSIGHT said...

You should have hit send....you know I am a damn good listener, and my shoulders are pretty big too.

Braja said...

Oh dear. Yay Jim, at least :)

Henry the Dog said...

Mum says that guy sounds scary and please can you post his photo? She's dying to know what he looks like. Also, Uncle Hugh says that he wishes your sister practised in the UK as one of his 'things to do before I die' is find a good lawyer - one that wins cases - he never managed to find one all the time he was in business - nearly 40years:(

Ann's Rants said...

I'm still gagging about fumes and greasy burritos. You should send him one of Trooper's cards:

http://dogsandjeans.blogspot.com/2008/12/internet-dating-greeting-cards-part-5.html

sorry, don't know how to hyperlink in comments...

Comedy Goddess said...

You never cease to amaze me! I hope he reads it.

Michele said...

Did he actually type "When their eyes met their was a spark!" because if he did you need to be very afraid. Proper grammar? I don't think so.

I think after posting this their (misuse intended) won't be a second one.

Michelle J said...

Charmaine,
I simply cannot express to you in mere words how much i enjoy reading you!!! You make each and every date you go on soooo special!!! And you can interpert the word "special" in any way you want!!! It's special!!!

I laugh, i cry, i giggle and inbetween eating my White chocolate peanut butter i laugh some more!!!

I swear girlie i wish i could date you!! I would show you a good time and plan each date meticuliously!!! No fast food for you dear Charmaine!! Only the bestest!!!

I love you!!!

Charmaine said...

Jim- yea. I should have called you. I was actually going to ask you out to dinner to get your response to the black hair thing.

Nikkicrumpet- Dating is a job.

Henry the Dog- There are already sic (6) voicemails in my phone. It's 9:00 a.m. I'm scared to death he found the blog and that he knows where I live.

Ann's Rants - I don't even know what hyperlink MEANS

Comedy Goddess - The thing is, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. It's not really me. It's them.

Michelle - Let's go out.

Charmaine said...

Braja- I fogot ya. JIMSIGHT is a man I went on a date with. Nothing went particularly wrong except the fact that I had a wardrobe malfunction which was I referr to as a boobs gone wild situation. They kept popping out of my blouse. I was so distracted I couldn't focus on anything except them.

SSP said...

and from what I remember, I don't think Jim minded either :-) 1 1/2 hour for fast food is pretty funny. I drove that far, once, and we spent the whole day running errands with his little boy in the back seat kicking my chair. I had planned to be heading home before it got dark, but THEN it turns out he had a sitter and wanted to go out to eat.....I felt bad that he had arranged the sitter, but why didn't he just have her come during the day?? He knew I didn't want to drive at night....they HEAR but they don't listen, do they?

Moe Wanchuk said...

I think you're pretty Hot too....so, I asked my old lady if I could go out on a blind date with you.

She said...."Sure, Like I care, but, why would you want to waste a night of her life?"

Simplicity said...

Holy shit this is funny!

The very first thing I noticed was the spelling error in his message to you. I'm going to be single forever!!

Sounds like Mr. Moneypants will be too!

These comments are HILARIOUS!

Put up a picture with your black hair. I can picture it on you!!

I added more to my Poinsettia story which I thought was a little interesting, but now I don't so don't bother going back to read the rest. :)

I take a lot of drugs to get through this time of year!!

JIMSIGHT said...

Sweetie, Braja is not a guy and check your grammar on your award comment. I know how you are about things like that so....

oh and you should have done both, hit send and asked.

I am going to make wedding soup today or in the AM. I can leave yours on the corner in front of Five Crowns. Then I can sit across the street and see your new hair when you come to pick it up. If I get scared I can run...LOL...love ya doll.

Charmaine said...

JIMSIGHT,

Oh shit. I thought he was, like, a gay man or something. hee hee

(Sorry Braja...I'm a moron)

Grammer, shmammer....Okay, looking down shamefully...I'll fix it. If I can figure out what it is.

You're so funny. About the hair, no one likes it. Men aren't looking at me anymore. It's really just a medium dark brown with some streaks.

I'm going to keep it for winter. There is something about returning to your natural hair color that is...well...like...totally grown up. (Valley girl speak intentional). It's like saying, I accept myself as I am.

Who am I kidding. I'll be blondish by January.

Charmaine said...

SSP,

Men are from Mars. Women are from Earth.

Now there's the title for my book on Middle Aged Dating. hee hee

Don't even TRY to steal it, Jim.

Simplicity said...

LOL at being blondish by January!!

JIMSIGHT said...

Ok, so I have to see the Black Irish hair at some point. You should drive me up to Studio City and we can meet Adventure Girl for a glass of wine and a meal. Sound fun?

Why would I care about that title, after all I am a boy remember. I am a man, but have never been included in the Men's club. You know all the crying jags and treating the women in my life like queens are so against the rules.

Briana said...

Charmaine, I don't think men have EVER noticed your hair. They are way too busy looking at your bosom, right Jim?

Michelle J said...

Why would I care about that title...

Jim, dude i just totally read that as tittie??? Thats what it says right?? Please tell me i don't have titties on my mind!!!

Charmaine, girlie dude i am on my knees now asking you to date me!!! If anything, we can look back at our "relationship" and say at least we had laughs!!!

I'm not saying i would like laugh at your newly black hair or anything, i did that behind your back!!! :O)

Are you kidding me, i totally have a girl crush on you!!! If this is the only way i can spend Saturday night with you, so be it!!!

Oh, did i tell you i almost just got beat up doing laundry!! YEP! The old crazy man actually said to me (in front of a full laundry room) if you were a man i'd hit you in the face!!!

I may have to move to California to get away from the crazy NY old people!!!

Ok, i'm all done now!!!

JIMSIGHT said...

a. I noticed her hair right away on the DATE.
b it wasn't my fault she wore a top that opened and closed more than a grocery store door.
c. Michelle no I did not say tittie...ahahahahahaha

SSP said...

ahahahaaaa hhaha he said tittie!!

no fair. i wanna live in CA with charmaine and jim and adventure girl!! or move back to NYC??? how come no one lives in AZ!?!

Girls go to mars, to get more candy bars. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider....

Michelle J said...

SSP we should totally move to CA!! Then we can all hang out together with our laptops and blog and then comment on each others blogs and then we don't even have to talk, we can just communicate through our blogs!!!????

And yes Jim did say titties!!!

JIMSIGHT said...

I so did not say titties...sheesh...maybe I am on my way back from Jupiter but I just checked and it says title...

ok ladies, so the soup is made the fire is going, and I am putting on my jammies and going to watch The Human Voice with Ingrid Bergman...

Any takers?

Simplicity said...

I'm coming too! Charmaine do you have enough room for all of us? No pressure...:)

Jimsight I love Ingrid Bergman...bring the movie to watch when we're all living with Charmaine!

Michelle J said...

YAY we are all going to live with Charmaine!!!!

Does Charmaine know we are coming?? Perhaps we should bring a cake or something!!!!

Hedgie said...

Note to the General Populace:

When chopping mushrooms for the world's best spaghetti sauce, do not sing along with Siegfried forging Nothung.

Hoho! Hoho! Hohi! Ho- damn!

Anyone need a pound of mushroom paste?

Mike said...

A little too enthusiastic in the wrong places.

At least 95% of the pics come from POF. Hey you get what you pay for. You sell your assets if that's all you have to offer. Yes I know it needs more verbiage, but that is really time consuming. Since I'm not looking for a date I usually stay away from that, but I'll try to put 1 in a week.

Captain Dumbass said...

At least this one didn't grab your boob.

Mike said...

Your feed is broadcasting again.

bernthis said...

Girl, you are brave. I wouldn't have gotten in the car with that guy for all the burritos in the world.

SSP said...

and Jim, at 5:29 on 12/13, you very clearly said:
"I did not say tittie."

ahahahahahahaaa he said tittie!!! heh heh, i just snorted!

P.O.M. said...

Ok, so are these old dates you're writing about now or are you activly dating again?

Seriously back and forth on the ferry? That's kind of embarassing. For him! But the enthusiasm does earn some points, I guess.

Party was just dinner at a restaurant in LA.

OneCowgirl said...

you are too funny!!