I haven't showered in days. My hair is dirty. I have acne on both cheeks. The place is a mess. I haven't cleaned the dishes. I look like a monster. I might even be aromatic. What's that smell?
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Last night I made Turkey Stock. In the middle of this process I fell asleep on the couch. It cooked for 8 hours. (woops) It was on a slow simmer. When I awoke the windows were coated with steam. There can be no mistake, I smell like turkey.
I was feeling a bit down, laying on the couch with a blanket pulled over my head (it smelled like turkey). And what to my wondering eyes should appear?
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Twas the presence of Evil, hell yes, he was here.
I waited, paralyzed. Knock Knock. I ignored it. Then he just walked in. God DAMN-it!!!!
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I stared at the wall not hearing a word he was saying descending into a palpable depression realizing that after 7 years of celibacy, I managed to contract a sexually transmitted disease. The kind that won't go away. It's called Evil Surfer Dude.
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Springing to life, for a second, realizing this might be a potential blog moment, I snapped his picture, then asked him to leave. (I can't even LOOK at the picture)
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Later, I managed to drag myself to the most magical place on earth, Albertsons in Corona Del Mar, for vegetables to finish my soup. I looked like shit. From the corner of my eye I thought I saw my favorite checker, Big John, cutting his eye at me. I walked passed hoping I'd been mistaken... "Hi Char! Are you doing anything for New Years Eve?" He inquired. "Nope." I said. "Ok. I'll be over at 10:00 pm" he replied.
The people in his line laughed. I smiled thinking, I could do worse. With a little dental work and a new hip, he might be alright.
Happy New Year. (Sobs into Chardonnay)
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53 comments:
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Happy New Year.
"I haven't showered in days. My hair is dirty. I have acne on both cheeks. The place is a mess. I haven't cleaned the dishes. I look like a monster. I might even be aromatic."
Now that's a WOMAN, folks.
It seems like there must be a way to take advantage of smelling like a delicious turkey. No? Put some thought into that.
I'm speechless.
Oh please... I can't believe you'd do this to us. It's not new years there yet... :P
Cheer up buttercup, 2008 sucked for a great many of us, 2009 can only get better.
Braja - There is so much to be speechless about. Which is it? The fact that I smell like turkey, that I didn't wash my hair or the fact that Evil will NOT go away?
Hedgie - Hey, don't rub it in Mista.
Panic - Yes, I think smelling like turkey is only slightly less attractive them smelling like a cheeseburger.
Laura - The above comment is for you too. :-)
LL - groan.
Oh, my dear (sigh), I am sorry it worked out that way.
"I might even be aromatic" - disturbing yet oddly, I find myself interested...
You may be dirty and smelly, but I bet you clean up real purty! ;)
Happy New Year, mon petite chou!
I ate in the New Year! I feel like two ton Tessie today. Lucky me. And it's 13degrees outside. F*&K
Happy 09. It's gotta be better than 08.
Oh no...but what a blog post!
2009...it will be better!
Well... ummmm... at least turkey smells... good...?
Now, a word of admonishment... lock your door, woman! You are single, living alone... lock your door! Yes, I'll stop acting like your mommy now.
And here's to 2009... it HAS to be better than 2008. Right? Tell me it has to be better than 2008. It has to. IT HAS TO.
undesionco: that is the word verification!!! Might mean something???
Girlie crush, i still love you no matter how bad or good you smell!!
All i can say and will say is keep it real in 09!!! I don't even know what the fuck that means but its all i've been saying.
I am off to the movies! I am blowing this apartment today. I didn't even go for my New Years Eve Day run!! That is not good way to start 09 for me!! I suck!!
Here is some sound advice for you:
If you must pop a pimple yourself, apply a hot, wet compress until it becomes a whitehead, sterilize a needle in flame or alchohol and then carefully lance it. Squeeze it gently to drain and wash both your hands and the area of the pimple afterwards.
GOOD????
Guys must dig cooked turkey smell. New perfume? We should market that.
Have a Happier New Year!
Char, sometimes it's exactly like that more times than on the occasional...
Thank all the possible beings that can be thanked that NOBODY knocked on my door at any time over the holiday season because nobody wants to see a grown woman in pig tails wearing Bust a Moo pajamas all day...with purple and white bootie slippers. Seriously.
I'm gonna come visit. You line up the boys and we'll hit the town!! :). Better yet, screw the boys! Let's just hit the town!
LOL @ your STD comment!
Wow, I can't believe we had a parallel New Years Eve. I went to Safeway for my big night out. Wow, we are both living exciting, incredible lives, oh, but you're getting laid, okay, not so parallel.
Wow, I can't believe we had a parallel New Years Eve. I went to Safeway for my big night out. Wow, we are both living exciting, incredible lives, oh, but you're getting laid, okay, not so parallel.
"nobody wants to see a grown woman in pig tails wearing Bust a Moo pajamas all day...with purple and white bootie slippers."
Au contraire, O Vision of Delight! How else should a Paragon of True Femininity appear? Please post photos.
Cheer yourself up today by watching the college football bowl games. :)
You've learned a lot this past year, as you've so eloquently written. Things can only get better.
Here's wishing you a healthy and prosperous 2009.
1235pm MST 1/1/09 and I am still in the clothes and most of the make up I had on 12 hours ago.....but my evening was probably on par with yours.......It's all uphill from here, isn't it??? happy new year Charmaine
Haven't you heard of the new invetion called the lock? It's pretty simple. Put it on your door, turn the switch, and walla you keep undesirables out.
My brother in law told me that Burger King is working on a perfume that is suppossed to smell exactly like a Whopper...
...I'm not sure how that's suppossed to make you feel better...but yeah...it's out there now.
(Sobs into Chardonnay)
Salty Chardonnay? Shame, Charmaine.
A little dental work and a new hip, ha ha ha!!! Happy New Year - a new year means new opportunities....and funny blogs from you to look forward to...
All the best in 2009 for you.
Brilliantly written, BTW.
Your blog could easily turn into as book.
Happy New Year - hope 2009 brings you many more dates to entertain us with xxx
that cracked me the hell up.
Seriously, we JUST might be related. Except I'm sure with your dirty hair, acne, messy house- you'd be the hotter one.
Charmaine-
Passing a blog award on to you... details on my blog.
cheers,
The Other Charmaine
Hey... do you suppose if you gave Evil a shot of penicillin every time he flared up that he'd finally go away?
The poem you asked about has been added to the bottom of that thread in Jackdaw's. I really like Gibson's work.
Awww...
Happy 2009 anyway!
I spent my New Year the same way... only my pj's that I wore for 2 days says "Show me the Monkey" a hand-me-down from my daughter.
Goodness me, I see what you meant by the comment you left ;)
About the expression you left, Charmaine, I can only think that it was colloquilised term of endearment. By the other language I'm guessing that she was from the North of Ireland? I can make enquiries from my Northern friends and find out more fully for you.
But now, I wonder if you're just teasing me... ;)
That is hilarious! Loved it!
I'm so HAPPY to say bye bye to 2008 as well.
Happy 2009 to you!
Well at least your soup didn't burn while you were sleeping. It wold have been way worse to smell like burnt turkey! I must say you must be a pretty hot looking shower avoider. He didn't turn around and run. You need me to come over? If I woke up after all that, and he walked in, he would have turned to stone. Hey Then you could undress him stick him out on the patio, and have a great looking statue for the birds. Heck you could even knock his arms and lower "extremity" off.(if you know what I mean!heh heh) Then he'd look all greek and authentic!! I mean if he won't go away you might as well use him for something? Cheer up my new friend it's a clean slate.
Well Char, tee hee I called you Char. Well Char, at least people friggin' LOVE your blog!!! Including me :)
2008 reminds of the last episode of M.A.S.H., "Goodbye, Farewell, Amen."
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