Saturday, November 21, 2009

Swine Flu and Other Tragedies

When I majored in Biology, the notion that a virus could jump species was unheard of.  I didn't do so great after transferring to the Molecular Dept.  "The Recombinant DNA does what?"  You want me to splice it?  Where's my lab partner?

Oh yea, he dumped me after my stupid Chlorine gas accident.

I faked a car crash in order to get out of taking my Organic Chemistry final.  I smeared white makeup on my face so I would appear more... "tragic".

"Professor, I simply can't go on.  Can't you see the blood has drained from my face? I'm going to faint.

Then, once, I missed a Ballet final.  My professor was from the ABT.  "If you miss one performance you're out," he said.  I missed a performance and went to see him afterward, head hung sorrowfully to announce, "I'm sorry I missed the performance.  I have cancer," I said.

I belonged in the Drama Department. 
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As a child I directed plays on the front lawn.  My reluctant cast included my younger sisters.  I staged bike crashes, poured ketchup on their faces, turned their bikes upside down...spinned the wheels to convey a sence of immediacy.  I positioned their little heads hanging over the curb.

Eventually I was in a community theatre play.  My sister, in retaliation, sat in the front row.

The Denver Post and The Rocky Mountain News were there. It was review time.

I had a death scene. It was my moment. I had to die in an evening gown, rolling out of a chair, onto my head and ultimately collapsing. It was ludicrous.  Eventually she was howling.  I was dead on stage and joined her, laughing so hard I cried.  Ahh ha ha ha. Snort.

The audience was silent. My howling sister and the snorting corpse on center stage pierced the quiet.

I don't know which is more painful... watching a video of that performance or the procedure, filmed by my gynocologist to treat Endometriosis that featured my ovaries through a laprascope.  Ewe.

(Faints)

12 comments:

Menopausal New Mom said...

I think if I had to choose which to watch, I'd skip the ovaries and watch that acting performance!

SSP said...

awww you should seen my cast of Rabbit Hole tonight...they were SMOKIN' - i never knew you were such a drama queen charmaine...no, wait a minute...yes i think i did....(snort)

LL said...

I'm gonna have to request you post that part of the video on YouTube so we can all enjoy it...

Who's with me? :elol:

Charmaine said...

LL: You want to see my ovaries or you want to see my death scene.

The death scene is better. Snort.

Ellie said...

Definitely the death scene. Community theatre can make me levitate from my seat. Not kidding.

LL said...

Either works for me... ;P

Vodka Mom said...

"Wait, let me turn my pelvis this way...it's my best side, you know.."

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Post the video of the death scene!!!! Post it!!!

Briana said...

You have to admit that was a hysterical death scene! I really tried to stop laughing. Really!

I used to be so annoyed with people who lied to professors to get out of a test. A girl in my Russian class told the prof her father had a liver transplant.

I missed mid-terms cause my father really did die and the profs didn't believe it cause of people like that! They asked for a copy of the death certificate

Briana said...

Do you really have a video of your death scene?

going said...

.................................................

Ekanthapadhikan said...

I'd love to see that death scene too.