Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I See Dead People

I’m dating a wonderful man..
I admire him. (That doesn't happen every day.)
He looked up my father on the Internet, who was born in Minnesota… where he was born. He was trying to figure out if we were related.
He was impressed by the fact my father was an Eagle Scout and Aerospace Engineer.
I miss my father.
I remember looking at the front door, expecting him to walk in.

He wouldn't.  He couldn't.

I can still see the hospital room…and the Cardiologist. I could pick him out in a line-up. I can't find my car keys, but I can draw a picture of his face. He killed my dad. He didn't mean to.

I grilled him for 2 hours and he endured it.

My mother, sisters, friends and neighbors fled to the corners of the waiting room, crying, after the Cardiologist emerged through swinging doors to say, “We did all we could”.

I stayed with him.

The man that watched my father die drew diagrams with a blue pen on his green scrub pant legs in response to my endless questions. I could not release him from the converstation until I obtained his confession.

"During the Angiogram we hit a plaque caused a massive heart attack" he said."Yes, your father was watching on the monitor, Yes he knew. Yes, his death is a result of the procedure." 

I was 20 years old.

I launched a lawsuit. Back then, malpractice was unheard of. Nobody helped.  Plus I was trying to study for my English Lit class…I failed despite the fact I am terrific at English Literature.I started failing everything...My 4.0 turned into "we regret to inform you" letters.

Nobody noticed.

I was too young to save my father.

I’m not too young anymore.
I saved my mother from a sea of doctors. They declared she would be dead in a month due to her particular cancer.
I fired them, called in cancer specialists, monitored her medications and met with her physicians. I made sure they knew I was watching. I hired a watchdog organization to oversee things when I wasn’t there. I flirted and threatened. I showed her how to use her feeding tube with tears slipping from my left eye. It worked. She's not dead.
An Eagle Scout raised me.
By example, he taught me how to do the right thing.

I couldn't save him.  I saved his wife instead.


Colleen said...

I am so glad to see things are back on with the "King". I believe it is in the things that most people don't notice (or possibly don't care) that you see who people really are and the fact that he looked your Dad up sounds like he is a special guy. I am always hoping for the best for you!!!! I miss my Dad so much my heart hurts but I try to see him in the birds and the wind and the waves of the Ocean.

Anita said...


I am new to your blog, and have enjoyed reading it. I was in high school with Brianna, though we did not know each other very well.

I can relate to how you feel about your father, and some of the experiences you have had as a result of his unfortunate passing. I lost my mom when I was 22. I am 46 now, and I still miss her everyday! it is amazes me sometimes when I realize how much of who I am now is a result of the fact that I lost her so young. I was in college at the time too, and my perfect GPA took a nose dive. It took a long time for me to just be functional again!

On a positive note, congrats on your mom's good health! I hope that it continues. Congrats also on what seems like a great realtionship. There is nothing better than having a man in your life who embraces who you are--good and bad. After many years of being with the wrong ones, I am finally with Mr. Right, too! Enjoy every minute!

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Clearly you are fiercely protective of those you love. I respect that so much. And I love how you wrote this; it's beautiful.

Briana said...

You see dead people? That's funny cause I see people who I WISH were dead! (kidding!)