Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Dr. Cop-A-Feel

This is a re-posting of my third or fourth date...a timeless classic.

I charmed the 59 year old physician from India with my spectacular knowledge of his country, Salman Rushdie, Ganges River issues and the whole Hindu/Muslim thing.
I fascinated him with my understanding of Nehru, Lord Mountbatten and Edwina. (I studied, uh hem…prepared for the date.)
My Uncle (an Irish intellectual/physician) called to offer relevant material such as current events in India and Pakistan so I would "have something to talk about”. (Dating for me… it takes a village).
I added my own unique contributions such as reciting Shakespearean sonnets.
“Why would you memorize sonnets for no reason? " he asked. Trying to sound like an intellectual I responded, “Just cuz”.
He was smiling, grabbed my hands and rubbing my arms. “I had no idea we would have so much in common” he said.
There would definitely be a second date.

Doctor Cop-A-Feel picked me up for Date two (2)  in his shiny Lexus. I slipped into the car and met a confident grin that insinuated…."You think I'm sexy, don't you?”
One had to admire his confidence. (He was a nice but "sexy" did not spring to mind.)
Soon we were gliding down the Pacific Coast Highway. I adjusted my passenger climate settings, jacking down the temperature because I was sweating. I already knew he was too old for me.  I did not, however, know I was having a hot flash. 
We arrived at Sapphire Grill in Laguna Beach, a hip new restaurant. Rivers of women, alone and in pairs watched...looked, strolled and trolled.No one was getting their hands on my doctor.
We drank wine for hours waiting for our table. We had an excellent meal. The doctor was giggling and enjoying my sparkling conversation.
He ended dinner with “Would you like to come to my house for a night-cap” “or was it “would you like to see my etchings”? I don’t recall because of the wine haze. "Sure…hiccup…why not? " I replied.  I forced myself. I HAD to get over my shyness.  (You have no idea what an uptight prude I am.  Really, you don't.)
He gave me a tour of his overly decorated mini-mansion.
After pouring two amber glasses of desert wine we strolled to the tiny couch in front of a gargantuan plasma screen.
Then…it happened.
It’s what I dread, the second date kiss.

I’ve been known to bob, weave, accidentally trip...ANYTHING to dodge the terrifying second date kiss.
This time I was going for it. My date had been married for 24 years. It would be a well rehearsed kiss.

Seconds after our lips touched, with the focus of a pit bull, the doctor attempted to suck every last drop of blood from my lower lip. I couldn’t believe it. The sheer pain of it.

I moved, adjusted, pulled back and in every manner available to me... tried to shake him loose.
If you can visualize me pulling away from his face…my lower lip stretching out between us because he would NOT LET GO.
I thought for a second, maybe this is some new technique?  But my eyes started tearing up… I couldn’t take it.

After extricating myself and tracing my lips with my fingers to check for blood, he looked at me seriously and inquired, “Are you breasts real?”

I tilted my head to the side like a dog responding to a high-pitched whistle.  Uh...“yes”.
Then, in a moment I replay in slow motion in my head, the man reached out and grabbed my right breast.
It was no fondle or any manner of caress, it was a grab.
“You are correct” he said. "They are real".

My mind was in a swirl. I didn’t know how to respond. I was speechless. I looked him in the eye and said intelligently, “I can't believe you grabbed my breast”!
With a considerable Indian accent he retorted, “Eets ok. Omm a doctor”.

I laughed out loud.

Then I went home.

The next morning I saw it in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth. There was a purple bruise on my lower lip.
Doctor Cop-A-Feel gave me a lip hicky. Wha the?

Restaurant Date Review
Sapphire Laguna

It's a place to be and be seen. Just try to get a reservation on Friday night. Go ahead. Try.
The vibe is cool and casual. Lot's of locals. I had the braised short rib perched above a potato and celery root puree peppered with pieces of caramelized parsnip and carrot. It was lightly perfumed with clove and melted off the bone. Despite devouring it completely, the effects of drinking wine for 2 hours straight were upon me. I might have actually had the Duck.


P.O.M. said...

This is one for the record books. Move over Carrie Bradshaw. Sex in the City? Shooooooooooot. Try Sex in the OC!

Can't wait for more. Hopefully tonight's date will provide some exciting new material. It's purely research now.

BP said...

You're not going out with him again are you? This man is dangerous. I don't know how much damage to your lip capillaries you can sustain!

Charmaine said...

No more dates with doctor pain!

Carolyn Burns Bass said...

Okay, Charming Mary, you owe me a keyboard. I spurted my coffee all over it and now the xxxxxxxxxx sticks.

Comedy Goddess said...

Once again, all I can say is Oh my God.(dess.)

I have an award for you over at my blog. You have earned it brave girl!

Charmaine said...

Thanks Goddess. You're the best. But I'm not really brave...just desperate. hee hee

Southern Diva said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Diane said...

I just shot Diet Pepsi through my nose. It hurt. But it was totally worth it.

bernthis said...

Hey Charmaine: What a fucking great blog!!! I could add pages to this.

bernthis said...

Sorry, had to add:

The lawyer guy? Priceless. The guy from Bosnia with his nutshells? Hilarious. Charmaine, I feel your pain. I had two dates recently and a two hour conversation last night that ended not with "well, do you want to get together" but "bye, have a good day tomorrow." WTF? I'm not holding out much hope here.

bernthis said...

Sorry, had to add:

The lawyer guy? Priceless. The guy from Bosnia with his nutshells? Hilarious. Charmaine, I feel your pain. I had two dates recently and a two hour conversation last night that ended not with "well, do you want to get together" but "bye, have a good day tomorrow." WTF? I'm not holding out much hope here.

Simplicity said...

OMG this is awful but hilarious!

I was thinking about it today and I think I've crossed that: "I'd rather be alone" threshold!


Charmaine said...


I just checked out your blog and it is flat out hilarious

I had a long conversation last night too. I must be more charming (I think I was drunk) cuz the fella is begging to meet me. I usually get the date but see what happens. ARG.

Southern Diva said...

Hey Charmaine, I deleted my earlier post because I didn't want to sound like an illiterate stalker. LOL. I love you stuff and will be coming back for more on a regular basis.

smellyshelley said...

Funny. Yes, my dad is single...but he is also pretty shy. He would probably just get this nervous little twitch in your presence. Maybe your wit would loosen him up though. So if your ever in the bay area I'll set you up>

Laurie said...

I dated a guy, only one date I assure you! He kissed with the suction power of a Dyson! Holy cow, ease up buddy! I thought he was going to remove my tonsils!! I admire your dating perseverance!! I still think that it would make an excellent screenplay!

Braja said...

I don't want to laugh at your dating pain, but I'm laughing at your dating pain.

Hedgie said...

While I don't usually kiss and tell (well, okay, I do, but normally only when I'm braggin'), I dated someone shortly after my divorce whose idea of kissing was to try to swallow my head. It was a unique experience.

Braja said...

Charmaine, you ever think of adding the Followers option to your blog? Makes it easy for those who want to keep up with you to do so...then your updates are registered on their's about the only gadget I am into...and I do wanna keep up with your posts :)

Braja said...

Hey Charmaine: It's actually a few clicks but it's quite easy :)

You go to the page where you make your posts, and on the top there's those three tabs, Postings Setting Layout. You click Layout, then click Add A Gadget. When you click that, a box pops up and Followers is the second on the list. Click it and you're in business.

JIMSIGHT said...

People living in their pockets talking though their hats really never did it for me. You know we all have this habit we like to talk to much, and it only tends to slow you down.

Lunch? You already know I don't bite. We can do the trapeze thing if that is what you think is best.

SSP said...

i had a similar sucking experience, and it didn't involve my new vacuum cleaner...this italian guy i met...really nice - lots of fun conversations - i even got to brush up on my italian which you know i love, almost as much as the french...then came the first kiss...gott in heeven - he sucked my lip so hard, I cried!! He left shortly thereafter (crying girls turn him off I guess) The next day, I tried to wipe the purple koolaid off my mouth, and realized i was BRUISED!! who knew lips could bruise!

HeatherPride said...

Oh, I can't believe that man left you sporting the lip hickey!! That on top of the breast grab. Wow. He was really going for the gusto!

You are hilarious, girlfriend!

Captain Dumbass said...

It's ok, I'm a doctor? What can I get away with "it's ok, I'm a stay at home dad?"

Charmaine said...

Captain Dumbass,

Not a day goes by wherein one of my friends fails to make some comment or request followed by, "It's ok. I'm a doctor".

the planet of janet said...

answering here cuz you have no email addy that i could find...

yes. two sons.

the planet of janet said...

if i had your email address, i would have sent you directly to the post about my second son "coming out" to me on thanksgiving day.

as it is, try going to my post for dec 2, which is here:


and leave your email address... that way i can respond proper-like!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh my wowza. All I can say...

Charmaine said...

Irish Chicken Soup,

Remember to get married before you are 47 lest this become your fate. Muaha ha

b luis grey said...

I'm at work sitting in the office. I've got the Flaming Lips playing and I read this post. I burst out laughing.

Heather said...

Oh my this is so funny! I have to send your blog to my sister who is 48 and doing the thing she will laugh - quite a lot by the look of it.

Thanks for stopping by my website and it is pretty funny about the "fag" thing.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

OMG, you weren't kidding when you said it was a classic!
And OW!
"Dating for me, it takes a village."

Mrsblogalot said...

LOFL-So ya gonna call him?

Senorita said...

He is not nice and NOT sexy !

You should've given his manberries a strong pull to see how he likes that.