Saturday, May 23, 2009

Meeting Mom

The King of Produce agreed to entertain my irascible foul-mouthed mother last Thursday afternoon. He KNEW she would like him as most old broads, likely, do. The man is charming, if not completely disingenuous, to a fault.

He amused us driving a small boat throughout Newport Harbor (the largest recreational harbor on the West Coast). In no time my mother and The King were laughing uncontrollably. He was blowing her kisses -- it was ridiculous.

Then she started the “sales pitch”. “Oh no”, I thought. “Not the SALES PITCH”.

My mother has been trying to sell me into sexual slavery/marriage since I was 18. The sales pitch sounds like this: “Charmaine is a very intelligent girl, did you know she used to be a ballerina? She was in the Nutcracker. When she was young her father used to say, “most people walk on the ground but Charmaine walks a foot above”. ”When we walk down the road everyone looks at her, both men and women, she is completely oblivious”.

I blacked out due to acute, rapid onset mortification.

Still, it was fun. He and I went for drinks later that night. A change had taken place. I lost power.

Something was off. Who was I kidding something was always off. Hell, this was a man that left me in restaurants.

When he hadn’t called by Saturday (today) my mother went from planning the wedding to “Fuck him”.

Then, as if on cue, The Gardener showed up. He is a single, masculine, affable man. He is a friend of my neighbor. He agreed to help her start a vegetable garden in a small patch of land we share. I accidentally ran into him, literally, as her young son chased him with a tire pump. The boy blasted The Gardener with air pockets after which he pretended to be shot. He kept dying and dying while complimenting the lad on his aim. (A single man being kind to a child...be still my beating heart.)

He walked back to my house, trying to catch my eye. He suggested we meet Tuesday so he could “supervise” ME during the planting stage.

He asked me to take his number. You know, in case I need help with “the vegetables”.
a
Trust me, I’m gonna need help.

17 comments:

The Unbreakable Child said...

((((Charmaine))) Your mum looks very very sweet! Yay to planting!

Michele said...

Your mother is right "Fuck him" or as she probably said "Feck im". I am in love with your mother but than I love the Irish. My husband is Irish.

I think you might need tons of help planting. (wink, wink)

Vodka Mom said...

I'm voting with your mother.

fuck him

Neither Here Nor There said...

Once is "shame on you", twice is "shame on me"... don't let there be a fourth. Kick him to the curb.

Charmaine said...

Neither here nor there - consider it done. :-)

LL said...

From one produce-r to another? Are you sure about this Charm?

BTW... when I said you should hook your mother up with one of your past dates... I WAS JUST KIDDING! :P

namaste said...

your mother is adorable. and foul mouth seniors are one of my fav kinds of ppl.

as for the king, his loss. better to know what you're dealing with sooner than later.

hmm, planting sounds nice.

;)

Char said...

Jesus H!! I am so confused. I thought you were going out on a date with the artist. AND I thought you were already done with the K of P. Dammit girl, he left you at a restaurant TWICE! Whew!

JIMSIGHT said...

the gardener.. ahahahaah NICE.. very surprised the SOB didn't leave you in the middle of the Harbor to flag down a passing yacht or the ferry....

hey I thought no one was meeting your mom till post nuptuals..

LL said...

What the hell did you edit your post for? Now I look like a moron... :ewink:

PaulsHealthBlog.com said...

I thought the King of Produce was out of the picture. I don't get it!

As for gardening, yesterday we went to my mother-in-laws house and helped her set up a garden on her two acres of land. Tilled it, planted, the works. I have blisters and a sunburn to prove it.

And this morning I'm flat tired!

Paul

Eat Well. Live Well.
PurpleGreenPops.com

Don said...

You have more men stashed about than a hypochondriac has pills!

Charmaine said...

Don,

ha ha. It's true. I guess mother nature is giving me one last chance to get "it" right this time.

Comedy Goddess said...

Sometimes Mother knows best! It kinda sucks to admit it though.

The gardener sounds fun. Is he good with his hose ~wink~

Mrs. K said...

i love your mother...i don't have one- can i borrow her? :)

BlueEyedWonder said...

Oh yeah..your mom is definitely right...fuck him!!! That K of P is a complete ass and is running you around...No respect from that man to you...

He doesn't deserve you....

'nuff said!

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