Thursday, May 28, 2009

I finally got my big break!

"the gardener" helped me plant (did it all) my vegetable garden. he was so excited. (his family owns farms.)
he made rows for the crops. i dropped in carrot, leek and radish seeds. within 10 minutes he was putting his arms around me asking for kisses. i was covered from head to toe with soft soil peppered with miracle grow and compost (which is 15 % chicken manure). he told me i smelled good.

after hours of planting seedlings of heirloom tomato's, fennel and eggplant i nurtured the crops by lovingly watering them (he did it). we retired to my living room for an ice cold beer. he wanted to watch "the game".

i don't have the sports channel. (whatever that is)

"if you're gonna be my girlfriend", he said, "you're going to have to get cable".

"if you want to watch sports you're gonna have to go home:" i replied.

my neighbours arrived to admire our progress. they invited him for dinner (he's their friend). he took me to dinner instead. he opened the passenger door to his convertible 2009 black Porsche Carerra. but i don't like men in convertible Porsche's. i have zero tolerance for playboys and told him so. "would it make a difference it had a hard top?" he said.
after dinner we plopped on my couch. he tried to kiss me. i don't kiss on the first date. (yea, that rule flew out the window). playboys have "skills".
you may have noticed my current failure to capitilize. you need a left hand to depress the shift key. in blocking one of his advances i heard a "crack".

(this only happens when you don't have medical insurance.) the second doc showed me the x-ray. the broken finger was not the problem. she called it a "cyst" but i knew better. she called the radiologist to ask if he thought it was malignant. she made an appointment for me to meet a specialist hours later.

In the ensuing hours i reflected on my life. i thought of a certain someone, i visualized talking to him to keep my mind off what i knew was coming.

before you raise an eyebrow at the gardener's use of turns out i have a tumour. it displaced 90% of the area making the remaining shell of bone fragile.

the funny thing is in visiting each doc i had to explain the circumstances under which the break occurred over and over. i began,"it was a gardening accident".
"what were doing? holding a shovel and then you fell? "um, no, not really " i said. "did you twist it when you were plowing? "no..i was...i mean i...okay okay! i was wrestling with a man to prevent him from kissing me".
my options were to remove the tumour now, wait for three months with a flaccid flopping boneless finger (I'd have considered this if it was closer to Halloween.) or wait three months for the bone to heal followed by surgery to remove the tumour. they will take bone from my hip to replace the missing bone in my finger.
i'm not afraid of pain. i am, however, afraid of becoming a statistic. one of those single women who ends up on the streets because she can't afford her medical bills.
good bone living under a bridge? bad bone living in a house? i can't decide.


smellyshelley said...

Seriously! They should make a movie based on your life.

Michele said...

Is it malignant? If so, DON'T wait.

Marinka said...

The health coverage in this country is a joke. Please have it taken care of. (Is there wifi under the bridge?)

Charmaine said...

michele - can't tell until they take it out. i've decided to become a shameless hussy for the next three months...just in case.

that just means i'm gonna kiss everybody. hee hee

Mike said...

At least you will be able to get some mileage out of "you broke my finger."

Comedy Goddess said...

Which finger are we talking?

Michelle said...

Yes which finger? You may need it. You know for stuff!!!

Lord Charmaine!!! Are you OK?? I worry about you!!!

Lisa said...

Jeez! Okay, how about this - make the gardener sell that Porsche to pay for your treatment.

LL said...

I might have something that will help... drop me a line if you're interested.

Otherwise, get better soon. You've got mad men scrambling to snatch you up!

webberpa said...

No health coverage? WTF? Get yer shit together. And whats this limp boneless finger thing? I dont get it. Cant you just have sex in the garden without getting hurt? Thats why we use nice, compfy beds. You best stay away from waterbeds, I could see something disasterous happening there. said...

Gardening sure is hard on the body!

Here's hoping you get well soon.


Eat Well. Live Well.

Carolyn Burns Bass said...

New book title: Breaking Ground Isn't Just With Dirt.

Now I don't feel so bad about breaking my leg falling down the steps in Acapulco during the Swine Flu epidemic.

bernthis said...

Gotta love health insurance in this country. How many people are staying in jobs they despise so they can cover the costs of their yearly mammograms? too many. I'm sorry to hear about this Charmaine. What will you do?

Charmaine said...

bernthis - i'll do what i always do, cross that bridge when it comes. since i'll living beneath it... it will be a short walk.

SSP said...

see? now THIS is why I don't eat vegetables :-) Man, I thought breaking 2 ribs simply walking down the sidewalk (and tripping over my own feet and falling and landing SMACK on my back) was hard to beat....Hope you will be ok, and DON"T WAIT to get it taken care of!! I have to say, playboy or not, I wouldn't mind a guy in a porsche, opening my car door, taking ME out to dinner!

Don said...

My God! If someone wrote this up and put it on a tv show everyone would pan the lousy writing. Absolutely f*^king amazing. You have the most extraordinary adventures. Hell, I've never even SEEN an 09 Porsche - hardtop or not. Oh, and whoever suggested getting "the gardener" to pay for your injuries is right on. He's obviously got the $$$. Get better soon!

Charmaine said...

SSP - i think we both be what is commonly referred to as "clutzes"

dan - whomever is writing the script to my life clearly must have former;y worked on aoap opera. the bastard.

High Desert Diva said...

OMG....the things that happen to you on your dates!

I like the Halloween image...finger flapping uselessly...

Removing bone from the hip though...egads!