Friday, September 4, 2009

You had me at Hell No

Do you remember when Bobbie Ewing died on Dallas? The next season opened with his wife watching him in the shower realizing she had emerged from a bad dream.

I awoke to a knock at the door. "Bobbie, is that you?"  "No, it's The King." he said.
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“What are you doing here? Didn’t I break up with you”? I said.

“You must have had a dream.” The King replied.

“Uh” I said scratching my head. “I thought we broke up. I mean, I read it on my own Blog. Blogs don’t lie.” I pondered.
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After breakfast we rented a Wave Runner.
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We headed out of the harbor. I clung to him as we drove to the Jetty. When we reached the open sea The King released the throttle. I shrieked.
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Later The King said, "You know Charmaine, you’re so much softer these days".

“You mean like I was when we were on the Wave Runner?” I asked. “Yes” he replied.
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A sample of that conversation:
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“God Damn-it slow down you ass-hole!!” I said. “You’re going too damn fast. If you keep this up I’m jumping off. I will never ride one of these bullshit pieces of shit again. You are God-Damned irresponsible. You KNOW I’ve never been on one of these death traps before! Ahhhh
“If you were one of my sons we would be flying over….”

“I am NOT one of your sons! You've been trying to kill me since we met. If you traumatize me I will never ride again and quite possibly, require therapy.  Are you prepared to pay for that?"

He slowed down.
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“Let’s trade places. You take the front. I’m going in for a dip”. He said. In jumping off, he caused the thing to roll and teeter.
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“Ahhh. It's going to tip over Bastard,” I screamed, lovingly. "You can't tip it over Charmaine.  It's next to impossible." He said.
“You drive now.” he suggested.
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“Hell Nooooooooo” I responded compliantly.
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Soon I was flying recklessly over the waves.
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The King laughed and said, “You’re doing great Buttercup. I KNEW you could do it. That’s wonderful.”
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“I’m no pansy” I replied. (Secretly knowing we were both going to die.)
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I wouldn’t let The King drive until the end of our allotted time.  (I've seen him drive.)
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“You can drive now. Drive to the Buoy with the Sea Lions" I said.
He did.  He cut off the engine.  "Look at the cute little babies.” I clucked. Suddenly we were floating directly INTO the Buoy.
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“You’re too Damned close . We’re going to hit it. Turn around NOW. The sea lions have teeth. They’ll attack us.” I said demurely. The mama sea lions began barking and the babies dove off in our direction.
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“They're killer attack babies! They’re coming for us. Get us outta here. No, you can’t start the engine. The engine blades will chop the babies into a million pieces.” I said reasonably.
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“You’re not leaving me with a lot of options,” he replied.
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“Start the engine. Screw the little fuckers. Get us OUTTA here!!!!” I Said.
And he did.
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We went home to take a nap on the couch, cuz old folks get tired.

We talked about the "horny" remark.  He said he was offended by my outrage over what was clearly a joke.  He said, I've told you that I love you and you never respond.  I've arranged to have you meet my kids and my friends -you always back out.  I waited over 6 months to, um, er...because that was not what I was looking for. 

Further, I did NOT leave you in Long Beach.  You had my car keys in your hand.  You refused to get in the car and insisted on getting a cab.  I tried to give you the money but you would not accept it. 

When we awoke he gathered up my dirty laundry to bring to his house to wash.  He looked at me from the doorway, laundry basket in hand, and said, "Do you see anything wrong with this picture?"

"Nope, not a thing," I said.

10 comments:

Senorita said...

I don't know what to say.

I think you should marry him. You keep going back to him. You keep justifying why you are with him, so just marry him, and start a life together. Then you both can fight and makeup all the time, lol.

I just think that when you addressed the mean things he said to you, he really didn't talk about them directly, he kinda put the blame on you or became defensive. Never once did he say that he was sorry. That is a red flag.

What I would like to know is how he managed to leave you in Long Beach if you had his car keys in your hand. That doesn't add up.

Joanie M said...

Here you go again! I agree with Senorita. Marry the guy and get it over with.

Simplicity said...

Charmaine my dear you are incredibly funny and beautiful! Don't let him kill you OR the sea lions! :)

Mike said...

Well if you're letting him make all the decisions then it's whatever he wants that day. Get ready for a bumpy ride. Remember anger is a response to feeling helpless.

Ann's Rants said...

I'm sure you've said it yourself, but he's obviously your Mr. Big.

And we all know Carrie is powerless in the face of Mr. Big.

Surrender?

SSP said...

if you marry him, i wanna come!!

Sharon said...

I don't think this will end well. I still don't like him.

Char said...

Every time I think he is gone then whammo...he's back in your life. You must love misery! There are red flags waving in mass! Just be careful, cause I think he's nutz..
or is it both of you?

Comedy Goddess said...

Settled. Marry him already.

Slyde said...

my god, at first i thought that in picture of the sea lions there was one with its head cut off! whew!