Monday, January 18, 2010

Duck...Duck...Goose.

It's re-run week. Join me, won't you?  (There is some profanity so eject here in order to preserve your inner landscape.)

9/29/08
"Evil Surfer Dude" dropped by Saturday.

He arrived with a plan. An Evil plan.

We were going bowling.

Don't get me wrong, I like bowling.  But after taking me to dinner the previous evening at what can only be described as a homeless shelter...it wasn't really working for me.

We drove to Fullerton where he was raised. We argued over where to dine for lunch. "Dine?" he queried. We picked up sandwiches and ate them on a bench, like homeless people, across from a lake he frequented as a lad.

Blood thirsty ducks hovered upon the lake.

After flapping out of the water, one walked right up and bit my leg. 

With compassion in my heart, I stood up and walked away. (I'm always the "bigger man".) The killer duck followed. As we strolled around the perimeter of the greenish man-made lake... the abnormally overweight duck chased alongside in the water honking obnoxiously and eyeing the fingers of my right hand."Quack quack, me see finger snack," he said.
a
"Evil" took my hand. In an unprecedented act of chivalry he made eye contact with the duck and said, "Fuck off".

Being a woman of pristine upbringing and character, I might have addressed the duck differently.  "Mr. Duck, you'd better watch it. I know a Chinese Restaurant that would like nothing better then to change your first name to Peking. Plus, where did you learn to speak English anyway, a brothel in Thailand?

Watching a grown man swear at a duck is ridiculous.
a
As a child,  if a kid came over to our house they would eventually begin to use the "F" word too despite being raised well.  They rightly suspecting if they did NOT, they simply would not be understood.
a
Johnny: "Mrs. Peterson, may I have another glass of milk?
Mother: Fails to respond
Johnny: "Mrs. Peterson, may I have another fucking glass of milk?
Mother: "Oh, certainly Dear."

I once offended a date with a judgmental remark.  He raised his voice and said, "F you, bitch".  Then he watched, glaring into my eyes waiting for my enraged response.

I batted an eye, gazed at him and demurely responded, "Please, that's what my mother says to me when she's trying to be NICE."

Restaurant Review
Subway, Fullerton, CA

Despite having dated this man for several months and building up a remarkable tolerance to Salmonella,  what I ordered gave me a stomach ache.  Run for the hills.  Shortly after this, with regard to "Evil Surfer Dude" it's exactly what I did.

16 comments:

SF said...

oh i bet you are a killer witch, and if you are anything like your little sister, I know you can hold your own in sailor language banter.

Mike said...

Jeez once ducks get use to being fed it becomes a right to them. They'll mug you for whatever you got.

So you and evil now. You may have to change your blog title Evil Middle Aged Dating.

Charmaine said...

sf,

Do you mean to imply that my sister swears? My innocent, sweet baby sister?

Ah jeez... but YOU'RE the only sailor I know!!!

Charmaine said...

Mike,

Ducks are evil. "Evil" is evil.

Change my blog name to Evil Middle Aged dating. Hilarious!

SF said...

i hate to tell tales, but I think I learned some of the better inflections and intonations to use when flinging a casual "EF you" at some idiot from your sister :-D

Charmaine said...

sf,

It is important to "give back". This can be done by teaching.

It is true. My entire extended family, (all have a parent from Ireland) is strangely obsessed with the F word and it's "proper" pronunciation. It takes a lifetime to master, hence, requires constant practise. hee hee

Michelle J said...

Charmaine, dear i won't yell at you too much at the fact that you are now "dating" evil. You have your reasons, spaghetti factory being one of them, but dating a man that comes with two balls for bowling?? Dude, what's up with that???

Also, i always love a woman who uses the word fuck and knows when to put it to good use! I love that word so much! I think i once did a whole blog post about it, in an old blog but i may transfer it to the blog i have now!!! It's fucking amazing!!!

Charmaine said...

Michelle,

I think your blog post about the F word was the first one I read.

I liked you immediately.

Briana said...

I just love it when Charmaine refers to me as her "innocent, sweet baby sister." It's so cute!

SF said...

...if glaringly inaccurate....

I do agree with michelle that it is a fabulous word - has so many permutations and uses...a noun, a pronoun, a verb, an adjective, an expletive...you can even just say "ffffffffffff....." and everyone KNOWS what you mean...what other word in the english language has this universality? I think we should all do blogs on the word

Markitos said...

Ducks are like clowns. So cute but Fruckin scary !!! A great holloween theme. Throw in a couple Disco Bowlers and you've got it.

Charmaine said...

I think Michelle has a post on the word.

If I made such a post I would call it:

The word f*ck and the f*cking f*ckers that know how to use it. An instruction manual for beginners.

Yours, however, would be more cerebral.

JIMSIGHT said...

My visual, You in your poodle skirt and evil with his "spare" ball, do you have matching shirts, cause that would be a relationship.

"well fuck a duck" I believe would be the expression that covers all the bases.

One year Joanne had a chemical peel and then passed out candy, the neighbor kids thought it was the best mask ever.

Charmaine said...

Welcome back Pool Boy!

No matching shirts, no relationship. Got it!

You're right. I'm dating.

JIMSIGHT said...

Should you end up(one really doesn't go there, you just end up there) in Fullerton yearning for cheap pasta again, try "Angelo and Vinci's"...refer to "How do you do I see you met my.." blog..the place is still there and has substantial charm. I mean it's no Spaghetti Factory...but then what is?

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