Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My New Boyfriend.


This is my new boyfriend, Hannibal. We have some problems including the fact he’s 10 years old, kills people and tends to eat them. Then there’s the whole have-to-wheel-him-around-on-a-dolly-all-day situation. I’ve overcome more formidable obstacles in my quest for love.

Months ago, after two dates, I decided to discontinue seeing “The King of Produce”. He ships produce from around the world, repackages it and sends it to grocery stores throughout the nation. We have this joke that he is going to hire me as an apple washer. In the ensuing months, he continued to email, text and call me. I never picked up.

Recently I discovered I need reading glasses contrary to my original assumption that shampoo bottle manufacturers were intentionally making the print smaller in order to save money on ink.

Hence, discerning the identity of an incoming call on my cell is no longer possible without the assistance of an electron microscope. One day I picked up (I had no idea who was calling…couldn’t see a thing). It was “The King of Produce”.

He advised that for the past 5 months he has been visiting my two (2) favorite restaurants (steps from my house but miles from his) every weekend in the forlorn hope of bumping into me, accidentally.

“How sweet,” I thought.

So we met again at Bandara in Corona Del Mar. He was taller then I remembered and had nice big hands. He was confident. We each sipped a dirty martini. He did not tell me I looked nice. Fool.

I looked nice, I thought. Especially since it was dark and in the dark, frankly, I’m a knock-out.

We had a fantastic dinner. The conversation was pleasant but there were no sparks and insufficient laughter. I detected that he was very successful which, for a moment, made up for the sad lack of laughter. But you know me…. I’m incapable of pretense…damn it!

After dinner he took to me to the former Four Seasons (you know I love me some Four Seasons) now called The Island Hotel in Newport Beach. The house was packed. I ordered very expensive wine. I don’t usually do that. I am also a pathalogical lier.

He drove me back to my car where I perfunctorily kissed him on the cheek, jumped into my car and drove home drunk. Luckily it was only two blocks.

RESTAURANT REVIEW

Bandara, Corona Del Mar
It’s dark, cozy with a flaming fireplace. Tiny amber lamps romantically illuminate the dark wood bar. Candles flicker on the dining tables. The crowd is older. “The King of Produce” pointed out women he sees every Saturday night. I imagine they drive in from Isuza to score a wealthy husband. I've been here for 14 years. All I have been able to score is an airplane builder from Midway City (Vern) and a Scientist (Evil Surfer Dude) from Carlsbad with small hands. Groan.

I had the Tuna Poke. Mother of God it was a delicious concoction consisting of raw Ahi, avocado and peanuts drizzled with a cloyingly sweet Hoisin Sauce that artistically surrounded the perimeter of the plate. The Rib Eye was grilled to mouthwatering perfection with a smoky meaty flavor so delicious that I almost fainted. It was served with gigantic ruby red tomato slices, possibly from Jersey. In betwixt each slice a leaf of basil was nestled with a shard of blue cheese and drizzled with balsamic vinegar and olive oil. It was delicious.

The Island Hotel, Newport Beach
If you are in the mood for Las Vegas style entertainment, albeit toned down for Orange County, check out the bar at The Island Hotel on Friday and Saturday nights. It features a bloke with blond spiky hair. He is too old to be sporting this look but you will forgive him because he sings and plays every manner of instrument along side a classical violinist and drummer while being, simultaneously, funny.

I ordered my favorite wine all night. I can only imagine the bill.

29 comments:

smellyshelley said...

Do you really have hair extensions? I want some, but I don't know if I can afford them...but I miss my thick hair of youth. Do they feel weird when you run your fingers through your hair?

Train Wreck said...

Whew, You are dating Hannibal...And I thought maybe some crazy Guy Smiley type fella got you. What a relief. Lol. Well if the spark is not there, you can't light anything. You will find just the right guy. You are too gorgeous. Moonlight or no. Plus your pesonality is contageous. You missed my giveaway. I was sending a nekid Cowboy with a box of chocolate to the winner, no strings! lmao!!! Ok maybe not that exact prize, but it sure held LL at bay! Glad to see you are back!

Michele said...

At least you got to have your favorite wine.

The King of Produce sounds like he was just about to step over that line from date material to stalker. You might be better off with the 10 year old. The wheel-him-around-thing is doable. LOL

SweetPeaSurry said...

Gosh ... you're hilarious! It's certainly nice to have a guy that you can go out with, even if he isn't 'the one'!

I hope you don't write him off forever though. :)

P.O.M. said...

I can't believe you're still wearing those things.

1. That pic is not me. I am not skinny. 2. Breakup finally complete. 3. Work scary as heck.

What else? oh.... I saw that guy at Four Seasons. The crowd is definately one to see. Lots of sparkles and plastic surgery.

Where have you been? Email me with updates on your life.

The Panic Room said...

I love that Hanibal has braces. I miss reading your posts. Nice move on the wine.

PurpleGreenPops.com said...

I think you had more fun writing the Restaurant Review rather than the actual post!

Irish Gumbo said...

Aaah, the fine glass of cognac, and a cup of coffee: This, Charmaine, is what you blog is for me sometimes. The aroma, the taste, quite a fine way to end it (even if tonight it was Chick-Fil-A nuggets with a salad), I must say.

"He did not tell me I looked nice. Fool." That, my dear, is a fine opening sentence to a great book. A story unto itself. Pithy. Intense. Devestating.

A fine post indeed. I'm craving some Poke now, but my closest source is 30 minutes away. Sigh.

LL said...

So you got poked? And I gather the King's meat was smoky and wonderful then?

I... erm... well... I'd stick with Hannibal. ;)

And TW's right about one thing... no way was I enterin' that contest... :P

Simplicity said...

Well, you're pretty enough so that I ALMOST overlooked the fact that you drove home drunk on your expensive favorite wine!

This picture was CLEARLY taken in a non-dark location and you are definitely a knock-out! Don't let braceface tell you any different.

He's a little young, but I'm sure he'll grow out of the Superman underwear soon enough!

Michelle said...

Hello there lover girl!!!

Your beautiful don't let anybody tell you otherwise!!!

Produce guy well get some freaking produce out of him at least!!! Some nice lettuce and kale perhaps for nice salads??

I'm just saying!!! Miss you toots!!!

Braja said...

You weren't showing up in my reader; I re-followed you, hope that fixes it.

Honey, what you think is sweet I'd call stalking :)

Glad you got a nice dinner....

Irish Chicken Soup said...

"Trying" to "accidently" run into you. Yeeeah...

Go with Hannibal.

Joanie said...

Produce King sounds like a stalker.
Stick with Hannibal.

My friend was turning 50 and went crazy. Dumped the great guy she was seeing for 3 years, started up with a married man (he's hot but still) and is now engaged to a drunk... and still doing the married man on the side. sigh. like I said, she's nuts.

JIMSIGHT said...

Hey looks like a slight wardrobe malfunction...hmmmm. Text or call me.. i am in Cali for about two weeks, then Europe for six....

Would love to have a drink and some snacks....

JIMSIGHT said...

and never really cared if you had extensions or not...
just always loved your smart ass attitude but even more, you smile...

High Desert Diva said...

Aaack. Men will never learn. Compliments are paramount. The dinner & wine sounded divine though.

Comedy Goddess said...

I think of my reading glasses as another accessory. Right. I ain't convinced neither.

SILVER said...

i wish i can only write like you! but guess, humour doesn't seem to be my dept..sigh

i just love your writings and i can't believe i'd spent so much time reading down to your last post at the end.. since..(i can't remember when i first started blogging till now.. have i read past the ..3rd post, for those really exceptional ones where .. i will find , a large part of my life will be shortchanged in a strangely major kind of way if i don't..)

i just got to follow.. don't mind me.. but i do pray, you'll find someone who really deserves you..and one who knows how to treat a lady with some real royale and princely courtesy!

smiles,

Silver

Ann's Rants said...

Hannibal's a keeper. So you don't wear heals, what's the big deal?

Femin Susan said...

Hi.....
A fine post...... i just love your writings ...... Keep it up...

bernthis said...

Yeah!!!!! you're back.

I WISH I could date a guy for his money. Dammit!!! I actually have to be attracted to him and he has to make me laugh or at the very least think I'm funny. What is up with that?

Hedgie said...

I just knew you were into bondage.

LL said...

Niiiiiiiiice Hedgie... very nice.

Briana said...

I just want everyone to know that Hannibal is, in fact, my son. And, despite the fact that Charmaine is his aunt and she should know, he is actually 12, not 10. (I know, 3 nephews are hard to keep track of)!

Also, Produce man = stalker.

Seeker said...

great post....cabbage man there seems like he likes you turning him down...mistress. and then WAITS FOR YOU?? mmmm one of these days Mr. Right is going to walk into your life and sweep you off your feet...

BlueEyedWonder said...

I don't think I'd like produce man either..he sounds..weird.
At least you got a dinner out of it and of course your favorite wine!! That counts a LOT...

Take a stand and only accept what you know you want!

And yeah..I think he's a stalker..eeww!!

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