Sunday, February 15, 2009

Valentines Day

I hate holidays that require gift giving. I enjoy giving, it's the receiving part I have a problem with.

There is nothing I cannot buy for myself. If I must receive a gift I always say, "Give me Ugs".

The reason I am specific is because I am incapable of pretense. I know I should be gracious when presented with an unwanted gift. I simply can't do it. I have some version of the malady Jim Carey suffered from in the movie, "I Can't Lie". Pretending to like that really great set of kitchen knives or that super duper set of Tupperware is, frankly, impossible. I'd prefer a card to having to gaze into your expectant eyes and coo, "I love it".

Ug (boots) are the only gift I have ever requested, size eight (8) thank you. But that’s not the point. The point is Mr. Man I am dating, why won't you listen? Why?

I dated “The Vern” for years. He appeared recently “Charmaine, I was going to ask you to marry me. I would have given you everything you ever wanted.” he said.

“All I ever wanted was a pair of Ugs.” I said meanly.

In a later visit he advised me that his former and current girlfriend are both reading my blog. Huh? What kind of man would lead you to my blog? A man whose hubris just backfired.

Hello Ladies! I humble myself to Katie (current girlfriend). Your man was making out with me on my couch. I had no idea you existed until the moment you called. He acted like you were nothing. He lied to you and continued to kiss me. He took me to dinner. We laughed and had a grand time. I thought you were a fabrication. I had no idea my “Vern” was such a schmuck.

"How many times had he done the same to me?" I wondered. Katie, be smart. Email me at charming_mary @ for further evidence of his shenanigans. Girl power.

My Valentines Day date arrived with my favorite flower, tulips.

He presented a heart-shaped box of chocolates. I responded, “You know I don’t eat this sh*t.”

Is it any wonder I'm not married?

Later, dressing for dinner, I was putting on a necklace and he said, “stop”. He handed me a diminutive box. Uh oh.

Thankfully it was merely a heart shaped necklace with diamonds so small they could only be detected by an electron microscope. There was another box. I saw it. He tucked it into his jacket.
I was not a "fun" date. When we returned home - I plopped onto my couch and fell asleep. He was so mad he packed up his things and left. I never saw the other box.

This is the actual necklace magnified for obvious reasons. Had he presented me with the only thing I have ever asked for, the lad might have gotten lucky.

Lunch - Pannini, Corona Del Mar, CA
This is a little Mediterranean cafe with indoor and outdoor seating. If you sit outside you will enjoy the mouthwatering aroma of fuel emissions emanating from the cars driving past.

I had the grilled chicken panini with pesto, artichokes, sun-dried tomatoes and melted Brie. It was served with cous cous flecked with mint, raisins and walnuts. Yummy.

Cocktails - A Restaurant (formerly Arches, Newport Beach, CA)
This is a restaurant your parents might have enjoyed when they were dating. You Naugahyde booths in the shape of half moons? Skip it.

Dinner - Gulfstream, Corona Del Mar, CA
It's like a bustling restaurant in New York. The service is spectacular. The lighting is romantically dim. Dining tables are draped in crisp white linens centered with candles sparkling inside glass cylinders. You can watch the chefs prepare your food. I once had a date consider this dinner and a show.

Outside, a fire pit sends flames reaching into the night sky surrounded by Adirondack chairs to inspire conversation among strangers. It works. Some fellers smoke cigars. I recommend the fish, salad of arugula, Gorgonzola with slices of pear and caramelized walnuts or the delicious rib-eye with mashed potatoes, green onion and haricot verts....that is if you MUST eat meat and kill the beautiful, sensitive, doe-eyed cows that exist only to love you. Hi again Braja...smiling innocently batting eyelashes. blink. blink. (Braja, in case you don't know, owns a pet cow. She lives in India. It was not accidental that I added descriptions of beef AFTER she commented on my post. )

PS: I won another "One Minute Writer" award. It's puerile and insignificant. Still it thrills me to my core . I clapped my hands as if I were 8 years old. Yipee.


SweetPeaSurry said...

Oh my ... what a Valentines day ... it can't beat mine though!!!

I was working. YAY!


bright blessings!

Michele said...

Vern = jerk. Strange that he wants the other women to read your blog. What's up with that?

You V-day date sounded like a winner. HaHa.

Comedy Goddess said...

"The Vern" sounds like a major creep. I hate Valentines Day.

Da Old Man said...

Good to see you back blogging. I missed you.

You deserved a better Valentine's Day.

Ann's Rants said...

I love how you stand up to these fools. Thank you on behalf of all womankin.

Simplicity said...

Charmaine, we are two peas in a pod! I know I come across as a major softie, but the reason I'm single is because I don't put up with anybody's shit. Your Vern sounds like my David. I will tell the most recent happenings on that front sometime this week. I hate drama. And I hate people who bring it to me!

You are beautiful, strong, smart and hilarious! He will come along very soon!!

Hedgie said...

"When we returned home - I plopped onto my couch and fell asleep."

You've mentioned doing precisely this before. Are you certain it's just a ploy to get rid of hangers-on and that you're not actually suffering from narcolepsy?

Lisa said...

I have a Vern! Not your Vern, but a Vernish guy. I think you've just created a category. A Vern.

I'm sorry the whole Valentines thing was a bust.

Joanie said...

Oh I hope Katie and the former girlfriend contact you! Then get Vern to meet you all in one place.... and brIng a camera!

So I guess Vern reads your blog too?

Abruptly Calico said...

Idiot men are born everyday and they seem to do it with every breath of hot air they let out.
He's a loser and dont stoop to the suckers level by wondering whatif, how many..etc.. You are stonger then this moron. He'll get his. Move on.

Braja said...

Honey, can you please just go over to SinnerViewer and become a lesbian? Really. You're paining me...


Braja said...

Here's the address:

Shannon. She's a doll. So is Sweet Melissa. They'll make you feel at home.

Off you go now.

Braja said...

Here's the address:

Shannon. She's a doll. So is Sweet Melissa. They'll make you feel at home.

Off you go now.

Michelle said...

Girlie crush you always seem to make me giggle uncontrollably.

Why oh why won't you date me. I will shower you with stuff.

Just teasing and being silly. Charmaine you obviously have not found your MAN yet. He is out there though. Keep on looking. Or not!!! He will come to you!!!!

I love you!!!

Charmaine said...

Sweet Pea, It's true. My date was slightly better then working because there was Champagne.

Michele, I never knew Vern was a scmuck. He told me he was "friends" with all of his x's. Now we know why. During one of our many "breaks" he dated Katie. He dumped her to return to me. Of course, I didn't know it at the time.

Comedy Goddess, V-day is for little kids with cute little cards to hand out to friends. With my first love, Bill, V-day was EVERY DAY.

Da Old Man, Yep.

Anns Rants, Stand up I do.

Simplicity, We are sisters.

Hedgie, I remember once taking a day off school. My uncle, the psychiatrist, wrote my "excuse" note. It said, "Due to intractable narcolepsy Charmaine was unable to attend school yesterday. The subtext was that I had over slept.

Lisa, yes. A "Vern" is a man who on the exterior seems to have certain problems we tolerate because we think that underneath it all, he is a good man. But he is not. The little problems merely belie the larger one...that he is a scmuck.

Joanie, Vern claims not to read my blog. I hope the other women contact me too. Vern is busted.

Abruptly, yes. This was just the cure to wondering..."what if".

Brajahaha, If I were a lesbian the only woman I would date is K.D. Lang because, let's face it, she IS tall dark and handsome. Hmm that might be an interesting blog topic. hee hee Or Michelle, of course. Hi Michelle. Will you get me a pair of Ugs? It's seems I can be "had" for approximately 140 bucks. ha said...

What? No Restaurant Review?


Lilly's Life said...

Vern has a personality disorder - he wants his ex and current girlfriend to read your blog? A little off centre right? Oh I hope you all get together to compare notes, who knows how many others there are. Wonder what was in the other box? And for whom that one was for?

Are you sure you dont have a Cinderella complex, with the furry slippers and all, LOL? Charmaine ug boots originally came from Australia or NZ not sure which. I always think of Pamela Anderson though when I see a pair. Go buy yourself the nicest pair of ugs you can find. You dont need a bloke to do that for you.

You are gorgeous, witty and clever. The right one will come along. You just got to kiss a lot of ugly frogs before you find him. I know only too well!!

Tammy said...

Eh, I spent my Valentine's Day hitting the Blockbuster with my kids. I can buy my own jewelry, TYVM.

Charmaine said...

Paul, I added the restaurant review...for YOU.

Lilly, interesting observation. You are completely correct. Personality disorder.

Tammy, you have no idea how much I wanted to wear MY necklace as opposed to the one he gave me. No man should buy jewelry alone. No man unless he is metro-sexual. hee hee

Vodka Mom said...

kick some ass. (or I'll come over and do it for you. )

Loving Annie said...

omg - you live in my neighborhood !!! I had vday dinner at French 75 !
Okay, so I'm gonna add you to my links. Thank goodness for this rain even if it is freezing cold outside !

LL said...

Oh my dear... sounds like you've given up.

One day I'll ask you something... not today mind you, but someday.

bernthis said...

Girl power is right!!!!! What a douchebag. I pray she reads this post

as far as gifts go, I'm like. Worst faker in the world

Chairman Bill said...

Mmm - Uggs....

You should visit the UK and see what kind of women (or rather girls) wear Uggs here. You'd never touch Uggs again.

High Desert Diva said...

Vern & new honey reading your blog=creepy.

Gold heart pendants with small diamonds....always make me think of Montgomery Wards. Or Sears. I like the idea of Ugs better. Why don't they listen?

Seeker said...

you are right...lately smoking seems to bring out the worst in the self-righteous who would definitely throw stones. so i guess i had better quit your blog...keep me entertained and i will love you forever (friend wise)...UGs and all

Anonymous said...

That man is an ASS!! Men who want their cake and eat it too...they just piss me off!!


Anyways..You want what you want..and if they can't do/get it screw 'em!!!!

Chairman Bill said...

//That man is an ASS!! Men who want their cake and eat it too...they just piss me off!! //

BlueEye - isn't that what everyone does? I know when I have cake the whole purpose is to eat it.

Charmaine said...

Loving Annie - where do you live? I love French 75. The trout is delicious and I hate trout. What did you order? (I'm obsessed with food)

Vodka Mom - Don't worry...I am currently kicking ass. But with your help I could "really" deliver.

LL - Make no mistake, I have NOT given up. No way.

bernthis - We need to learn how to fake appreciation. You know we learned how to fake something else years ago...heh heh

Chairman Bill - Here in Southern California all the young hot girls wear Ugs. It's true!!!

High Desert Diva - It took me 5 minutes to discover he had purchased the necklace at JC Penney for $114.00 bucks.

Skeeker - Yup

Blue Eyed Wonder - Yea, I hear ya girl. But this one has been busted.

Briana said...

After 17 years of marriage, my romantic husband gave me a package of Reeses for Valentines Day. (He knows I am trying to lose weight).

Charmin, return the necklace and you almost have enough for Uggs!

Chairman Bill said...

//After 17 years of marriage, my romantic husband gave me a package of Reeses for Valentines Day. (He knows I am trying to lose weight).//

The bastard!

P.O.M. said...

Vern had a GF? WTF?

Oh girl, that necklace is like something my 9th grade boyfriend gave me. You know my rules about hearts. One can only wear them if they are under 14 or over 55.

I got the Cap a present - left it at his house while he was working. Nothing big, just something he needed. And he didn't even call me until Sunday afternoon. Probably because he's just not that into me.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

You are hilarious. I would've been pissed about that necklace, too. I'd rather have nothing than that kind of "picked up at the last minutes and so obviously don't give a shit" kind of jewelry purchase.

And what is up with Vern wanting his girlfriends to read you blog?!? Are you as sorry as I am that you ever mentioned the blog to *some* people??

Braja said...

I messed with your head. Go now. GO! Read it!

SSP said...

at least it wasn't a vacuum cleaner! Send me the chocolates. I was all alone for VD....I am back and catching up - i have missed your blog!!

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