Friday, January 30, 2009

Don’t Do this
A response to Bernthis

In this day and age men need dating help. Our roles have changed.
I have, on occasion, gazed across a table on a first date and thought, “I’m a better MAN then you”.

It’s generally me holding the door open for some man entering the bank behind me. My eyes communicate, “this is what you should be doing.

We have the Mars/Venus guy. He was small, scrawny and whiny. He alleged that men “retreat to their caves after intimacy”. Real men do not retreat.

My friend Rick purchased all of his books. Rick is still single.

I would like to offer to men more practical advice:

1. Don’t grab my boob. Asking if my breasts are “real” does not give you license to actually grab one. If you must, grab the left one…it’s bigger.

2. Don’t kiss me then latch onto my lower lip in an attempt to extract every last drop of blood. Pain and kissing should not be synonymous.

4. Occasionally, stop talking.

5. If you’re an attorney who was disbarred…don’t tell me you’re still an attorney. My sister will investigate you. It’s a matter of public record. Assuming that I’m a moron, is the wrong move.

5. Don’t tell me about your previous Internet inspired sexual conquests. Seriously, don’t do it.

6. Don’t ask me for a job.

7. Don’t ask me to pay for lunch on the first date.

8. Resist the temptation to believe weakness is attractive. It’s not. If I can be a man, so can you. Don't do the saving the weak woman thing and expect me to respect you.
9. Uhhhh

10. Tell me I’m pretty. K?

47 comments:

Marinka said...

Great list. It's sort of hard to believe that people really talk about their conquests on a date. What are they, twelve?

Joanie said...

When I got married in 1981, I thought I didn't have to worry about dating ever again. Imagine my surprise to find myself single and 50 in 2004!
I met my fair share of grabbers, liars, whiners, etc. I met a great guy in 2006 and hope I never have to enter the dating scene again!

Ann's Rants said...

WELCOME BACK! Bloggytown Missed you.

SweetPeaSurry said...

Okay ... I don't know what my problem is, either I've been reading your posts and commenting while I was intoxicated (thus forgetting them) or somehow I've not been seeing them. In anycase, I'll make an effort to go back and read through everything.

This was a great list, although, I'm a bit partial to the lip-nibbling. (Yes nibbling, not vampiric ravaging of the lip)

Have a good one!

Comedy Goddess said...

Don't ask me if I think I have had enough of my entree yet.

Michele said...

OMG this was so true and I haven't dated in 27 years.

Irish Gumbo said...

Items duly noted, Madam! I shall never inflict any of these behaviors on you.

Except the pretty one. Yes, I shall tell you your pretty!

And welcome back, I haven't heard from you in a while. Howyoudoin'?

Joanie said...

Gumbo, you asked Charmaine "howyoudoin'" and I heard Joey Tribiani in my head! LOL

Irish Gumbo said...

@ Joanie: Yes, but I am more suave...

Hedgie said...

"1. Don’t grab my boob. . . . If you must, grab the left one . . . ."

And women wonder why men seen constantly confused about how to treat them. Not that mixed signals play any part in it. Oh, no, of course not. That would never happen. Nosireebob. Not never.

*sigh*

Might I suggest that you pick (a) "Don’t grab my boob" OR (b) "If you must, grab the left one" and go with it.

But that's me.

Julia@SometimesLucid said...

I love the fact that you said "MY SISTER" will find out. That's funny.

BlueEyedWonder said...

Girl! Glad to see you back!
Loved this list...And boy are they out there like that!

Here's another one for you: "Believe me, I am more honest than any man you have met"...

Yeah, I've had that one too..

I figure if they have to tell you how honest they are, they aren't so much...

High Desert Diva said...

Was this list generated from a recent dating experience with (as Marinka asked) a twelve year old?

Treasia said...

And for God's sake don't just come out and ask "Hey wanna get naked?"

Seeker said...

Great list...will copy and carry...will refer to it often...LOL

welcome back

JIMSIGHT said...

Well I didn't read the post, or the comments...but wrote something for you

Jen said...

We shouldn't have to be the woman AND the man. Great list!

SSP said...

don't ask for a job...and don't ask for a blow job either.....heh heh...

WHERE YA BEEN???

I am in Chicago.....

Mike said...

Well if we can't grab can we at least twist your nipple like we are trying to tune in radio free Europe?

LL said...

Crap... It's good for you that I live so far away and don't take you out. I can see right now I'd go O for 10. ;)

But I notice roughing you up a bit didn't make the what not to do list... Hmmmmmmmm...

Charmaine said...

Marinka- Single men in their 40's - 50's are twelve.

Joanie- Lucky. :-)

Ann's Rants - Yea I was depressed over my x- The Vern.

SweetPeaSurry - I always write all of my posts dead drunk.

Comedy Goddess - Oh yes, I've heard that on too. Or I would want to order dessert and Evil Surfer Dude would say, "I don't think you should".

Michelle - That is just the tip of the iceburg.

Irish - Hey old man, how YOU doin?

Hedgie - Don't grab the boob.

Julia - My sis is an attorney. Very handy to have around.

Hedgie said...

Darn! Not the one I was hoping for.

Irish Gumbo said...

Charmaine, I'm aiight. Just trying to figure a few things out.

Michelle said...

Well well girlie!!! Look who is here!!!

Give me a I
Give me a M
Give me a I
Give me a S
Give me a S
Give me a Y
Give me a O
GIve me a U

I MISS YOU!!

Can i grab your left breast???

PaulsHealthblog.com said...

So does this usually mean there's no second date?

The Unbreakable Child said...

Charmine can you please contact me about doing a guest spot on my blog, hugs

kimmi.rich (at) gmail.com

Lisa said...

Oh my word. They shouldn't have to be told, should they? I'm not out there on the dating scene, but I can imagine my lack of patience for having to deal with the things you touch on here. I love your sense of humor about it.

bernthis said...

YAY you are back!!!!

Love the one about asking to pay for lunch and the boob, my right is the more "gifted" one

P.O.M. said...

1. Where the hiz-ell have you been?
A. Did you get a job?
B. Did you go out of town?

2. Have you gone on any NEW dates because these references are all on past experiences. Let's get some new ones.

3. I'm on the market again too. This time for really-reals.

the mama bird diaries said...

These are great tips, especially the boobs one.

Briana said...

I was at a party with mostly married couples. I was wearing a v-neck shirt, showing some cleavage, but not too much. Then one of the men I knew (married - about 50)thrust his hand down the top of my shirt and grabbed my bosom inside my bra. What's wrong with men!

Hedgie said...

It's getting close to Valentine's, and no word from our Dating Goddess? *sniff*

HumorSmith said...

Well, hell, why don't ya take all the fun out of dating while you're at it? If you need me, I'll be in my mancave.

Braja said...

Jesus Mary Joseph. Tell me you have not dated these creatures....

Train Wreck said...

Yep you need a Cowboy.They'll open your door, say yes ma'am, and Thank you for letting them touch your boob!! hahaaha. Geez, I am glad I don't have to date anymore...I would be a old maid! And just for the record they should tell you right off how gorgeous you are. Glad to see you back. I was worried you went "surfin"

Hedgie said...

Okay, I hate to resort to this, but I guess I must. As of now, I'm holding my breath till Charmaine shows back up. I tend to turn all chartreuse and puce. It's not pretty. But you asked for it.

Da Old Man said...

I don't want to grab your boob, but would like a new post to read.

You doing ok?

Simplicity said...

Well hello beautiful! I somehow missed this post!! How are you??

BTW these comments are hilarious!!

Armageddon Thru To You said...

Armageddon Thru To You

If you've been wondering why it seems like the world around us is unraveling, it's because the last days as foretold in the bible are now upon us. Just as it was 2000 years ago, many were unable to discern the signs of Jesus Christ's first coming (Mat 16:3), as will many concerning his second coming, which will occur very soon. Yes many have proclaimed a similar sentiment many times in the past, but their errors have no bearing on today other than to lull you into spiritual apathy, and that too was prophesied to occur in the last days.


If you're not a believer in Jesus Christ because you're an atheist, consider that the underlying impetus for your disbelief is most likely borne of pride and here's why:

When we die, if you as an atheist were right, then there is no upside or downside for anyone regarding the afterlife. We will all simply cease to exist

However if we Christians were right about our belief in the afterlife, then we will be given eternal life and you as an atheist will receive eternal damnation

Given the choices, the position held by an atheist is a fools bet any way you look at it because the atheist has everything to lose and nothing to gain. It is tantamount to accepting a “heads I win, tails you lose” coin toss proposition from someone. And that someone by the way is Satan (see Ephesians 6:12).

The only way to explain the attitude held by an atheist is pride, pure and simple. The intellectually dishonest and/or tortured reasoning used by atheists to try and disprove the existence of God is nothing more than attempts to posture themselves as superior (a symptom of pride). And as anyone who has read their bible knows, this is precisely the character flaw that befell Lucifer, God's formerly most high angel. (Isaiah 14:12-15). Is it any wonder then why the bible is so replete with references to pride as the cause of mankind's downfall?

Pride permeates our lives and burdens us in ways that most of us seldom recognize. Ironically, pride is the one thing that can blind someone to things even the unsighted can see. And sadly pride will blind many with an otherwise good heart, to accepting the offer of eternal salvation that Christ bought and paid for with his life.


In any event, if you're an atheist, I wish you only the best for every day of the rest of your life because for you, this life is as close to heaven as you'll ever get, but for believers in Christ, this life is as close to hell as we'll ever get.





If you're not a believer and follower of Jesus Christ because you are of another faith, please take the time to very carefully compare your faith to Christianity and ask yourself, why is the bible the only religious book with both hundreds of proven prophecies already fulfilled as well as those being fulfilled today? No other religion can claim anything remotely close to this fact. Many Christians who are serious students of bible prophecy are already aware of the role and significance of bible prophecy in foretelling end time events. God gave us prophecy as evidence of his divine holiness to know the begining from the end (Isa 46:10). God also believed prophecy to be so important that to those willing to read the most prophetic book in the bible, the Book of Revelation, he promised a special blessing (see Rev 1:3), and this is the only book in the bible that God gives its reader a special blessing for reading. Something to think about.


Don't risk losing Christ's offer of eternal life by not accepting him as your savior and by thinking that the bible is nothing more than a compilation of unrelated and scattered stories about people who lived 2,000 plus years ago. If you take the time to study (not just read) the bible, you will literally be shocked to learn things you would have never imagined would be revealed in it. Did you know that like parables, God also uses particular months and days in the Jewish calendar, Jewish Feasts and customs, solar and lunar phases, celestial alignments, gematria (Hebrew numerology) early bible events and more as patterns and models to foretell future events?


Consider the following interesting facts about the bible that testify to its God-inspired authorship:

Did you know that in Gen 12:2, God said he would bless Israel?. How else can you explain the grossly disproportionate level of success achieved by Jewish people as a tiny minority in the world, especially after all they have gone through? And how can you explain the success achieved by the tiny nation of Israel, surrounded by enemies outnumbering them 100 to 1 and yet still they remain victorious in all their wars?


Did you know that as evidence to indicate that Israel is the epicenter of the world from God's point of view is the fact that languages to the west of Israel are written and read from left to right as if pointing to Israel, and languages from countries to the east of Israel are written and read from right to left, again as though pointing to Israel. Just a coincidence, you say? I think not.


Did you know that the six days of creation and seventh day of rest in Genesis is a model for the six thousand years of this age (ending very soon), that is to be followed by a 1,000 year millennial reign by Christ (see 2 Peter 3:8)? Adam was born sometime prior to 4000 B.C., therefore our 6000 years are almost up.


Did you kow that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is hidden in the meaning of the Hebrew names listed in the genealogy of the book of Genesis (Research it online)? To deny this was God-inspired, one has to instead believe that a group of Jewish rabbis conspired to hide the Christian Gospel right inside a genealogy of their venerated Torah, which is not a very plausible explanation.


Did you know that solar eclipses, which the bible describes as the sun being black as sackcloth, and lunar eclipses, which the bible refers to as blood red moons, have prophetic meaning? Research it online. God showed Adam (and us) his plan for man's redemption through the use of celestial alignments. (research Mazzaroth online)

Did you know that much of the symbolism in the book of revelation refers to planetary alignments that will occur when certain events occur as prophesied? These planetary alignments also explained the birth of Christ, just search out The Bethlehem Star movie on the Internet.

Did you know that the references in Eze 39:4-17 and Rev 19:17-21 in the battle of Gog/Magog and Armageddon respectively, in which birds of prey will eat the flesh of the dead in battle from two enormous wars is based on fact? The largest bird migration in the world consisting of bilions of birds (34 species of raptors and various carrion birds) from several continents converge and fly over Israel every spring and fall. Coincidence? I think not.

Did you know that Hebrew numerology, also known as Gematria, and the numbers with biblical and prophetic significance are hidden in the Star of David? Google the video called "Seal of Jesus Christ"

Did you know that the seven Churches mentioned at the beginning of the Book of Revelation describe the seven stages the Church will go through?

There are literally hundreds of hidden messages in the bible like these that testify to the fact that the bible was God inspired, and statistically speaking, are all exponentially beyond the likelihood of any coincidence. You can find them yourselves if you only take the time to look into it. Remember Proverbs 25:2 "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings".


And finally, if you are Catholic, or one who subscribes to the emergent Church or seeker-friendly Church movement, please compare the doctrine taught, advocated or accepted by your Church, with the actual bible, notwithstanding some new-age version of the bible. And remember that although the bible is often referred to as the living bible, the word "living" was never intended to imply in any way that the bible "evolves" over time to meet, or be consistent with, the standards of man. It's just the opposite.


Well, am I getting through to you? If not, the answer might be explained in the response given by Jesus Christ in his Olivet discourse when he was asked by his disciples why he spoke the way he did (in parables, etc.) in the book of Matthew 13:10-16. What Jesus said could have easily been paraphrased more clearly as "so that the damned won't get it". Why did Christ respond the way he did when asked why he spoke this way? Is there something about pride (the bible says there is) that closes one's heart to seeing or hearing the messages supernaturally hidden in bible parables, models, typologies, and similes, etc.? That should give you something to think about, but don't take too long. Time is now very short.


If it sometimes seems like there are powers at work behind the powers we know in this world, or sinful/evil influences in your life, remember what it says in Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." If you study the bible, it will become clearer.

Did you know that God said to those unwilling to love the words of his truth and be saved, he would send them a strong delusion so that they would believe a lie. See 2 Thesalonians 2:10-11. Have you considered what this strong delusion might be? (i.e., evolution, climate change, or ?)

Have you considered the following. With so many self-professed Christians in the world, how is it possible that the bible can state that so few would find the path to eternal life (See Mat 7:14)? The answer: many Christians who practice Christianity practice an apostate version of it, and will ultimately not be county worthy (Luke 21:36) to escape God's wrath.


And by the way, if you are a scoffer, this too was prophesied to occur in the last days. See 2 Peter 3:3.


Thank you and God Bless you!
Armageddon.thru.to.you (at) gmail.com

Hedgie said...

Jeez. God spam? Cyber Jehovah's Witnesses? Holy hermeneutics, Batman!

Chairman Bill said...

Cyber proselytising. Scary!

Of course, God did it!

Chairman Bill said...

PS - a tip for female on-liners is not to tell your date that you're seeing 3 men (of which the current date is one) and are about to choose which one of them will have the honour of being the father of your children.

Makes it sound a bit clinical.

loosecannon said...

Dear Follower:

The eligible bachelors of RUFKM want to let you know that our staff has been on hiatus as we rebuilt our site and have it hosted by GoDaddy but ---WE ARE BACK! This new format will more effectively waste your time. We have 2 new articles. One from SonnyGirl (I only sleep with Democrats) and one from LC (Yes, I know exactly where that is). Let us know what you think of the new style. I wanted to email this to you but could not find your contact info.

Sincerely,

LC and the RUFKM Army
www.rufkm.net
Are You F---ing Kidding Me??

Hedy said...

Loved the list. Welcome back. I blame the feminists for men who think they can't be the man. And yo, Jesus freak spammer: When you tell a story, have a freakin' point.

Laurie said...

Love the list! Especially the numbering. Have you ever considered a rewarding career as an accountant??

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