Friday, January 30, 2009

Don’t Do this
A response to Bernthis

In this day and age men need dating help. Our roles have changed.
I have, on occasion, gazed across a table on a first date and thought, “I’m a better MAN then you”.

It’s generally me holding the door open for some man entering the bank behind me. My eyes communicate, “this is what you should be doing.

We have the Mars/Venus guy. He was small, scrawny and whiny. He alleged that men “retreat to their caves after intimacy”. Real men do not retreat.

My friend Rick purchased all of his books. Rick is still single.

I would like to offer to men more practical advice:

1. Don’t grab my boob. Asking if my breasts are “real” does not give you license to actually grab one. If you must, grab the left one…it’s bigger.

2. Don’t kiss me then latch onto my lower lip in an attempt to extract every last drop of blood. Pain and kissing should not be synonymous.

4. Occasionally, stop talking.

5. If you’re an attorney who was disbarred…don’t tell me you’re still an attorney. My sister will investigate you. It’s a matter of public record. Assuming that I’m a moron, is the wrong move.

5. Don’t tell me about your previous Internet inspired sexual conquests. Seriously, don’t do it.

6. Don’t ask me for a job.

7. Don’t ask me to pay for lunch on the first date.

8. Resist the temptation to believe weakness is attractive. It’s not. If I can be a man, so can you. Don't do the saving the weak woman thing and expect me to respect you.
9. Uhhhh

10. Tell me I’m pretty. K?

44 comments:

Marinka said...

Great list. It's sort of hard to believe that people really talk about their conquests on a date. What are they, twelve?

Joanie said...

When I got married in 1981, I thought I didn't have to worry about dating ever again. Imagine my surprise to find myself single and 50 in 2004!
I met my fair share of grabbers, liars, whiners, etc. I met a great guy in 2006 and hope I never have to enter the dating scene again!

Ann Imig said...

WELCOME BACK! Bloggytown Missed you.

SweetPeaSurry said...

Okay ... I don't know what my problem is, either I've been reading your posts and commenting while I was intoxicated (thus forgetting them) or somehow I've not been seeing them. In anycase, I'll make an effort to go back and read through everything.

This was a great list, although, I'm a bit partial to the lip-nibbling. (Yes nibbling, not vampiric ravaging of the lip)

Have a good one!

Everyday Goddess said...

Don't ask me if I think I have had enough of my entree yet.

Michele said...

OMG this was so true and I haven't dated in 27 years.

Irish Gumbo said...

Items duly noted, Madam! I shall never inflict any of these behaviors on you.

Except the pretty one. Yes, I shall tell you your pretty!

And welcome back, I haven't heard from you in a while. Howyoudoin'?

Joanie said...

Gumbo, you asked Charmaine "howyoudoin'" and I heard Joey Tribiani in my head! LOL

Irish Gumbo said...

@ Joanie: Yes, but I am more suave...

Hedgie said...

"1. Don’t grab my boob. . . . If you must, grab the left one . . . ."

And women wonder why men seen constantly confused about how to treat them. Not that mixed signals play any part in it. Oh, no, of course not. That would never happen. Nosireebob. Not never.

*sigh*

Might I suggest that you pick (a) "Don’t grab my boob" OR (b) "If you must, grab the left one" and go with it.

But that's me.

Julia@SometimesLucid said...

I love the fact that you said "MY SISTER" will find out. That's funny.

Anonymous said...

Girl! Glad to see you back!
Loved this list...And boy are they out there like that!

Here's another one for you: "Believe me, I am more honest than any man you have met"...

Yeah, I've had that one too..

I figure if they have to tell you how honest they are, they aren't so much...

High Desert Diva said...

Was this list generated from a recent dating experience with (as Marinka asked) a twelve year old?

Treasia Stepp said...

And for God's sake don't just come out and ask "Hey wanna get naked?"

Seeker said...

Great list...will copy and carry...will refer to it often...LOL

welcome back

JIMSIGHT said...

Well I didn't read the post, or the comments...but wrote something for you

Jen said...

We shouldn't have to be the woman AND the man. Great list!

SSP said...

don't ask for a job...and don't ask for a blow job either.....heh heh...

WHERE YA BEEN???

I am in Chicago.....

Mike said...

Well if we can't grab can we at least twist your nipple like we are trying to tune in radio free Europe?

LL said...

Crap... It's good for you that I live so far away and don't take you out. I can see right now I'd go O for 10. ;)

But I notice roughing you up a bit didn't make the what not to do list... Hmmmmmmmm...

Charmaine said...

Marinka- Single men in their 40's - 50's are twelve.

Joanie- Lucky. :-)

Ann's Rants - Yea I was depressed over my x- The Vern.

SweetPeaSurry - I always write all of my posts dead drunk.

Comedy Goddess - Oh yes, I've heard that on too. Or I would want to order dessert and Evil Surfer Dude would say, "I don't think you should".

Michelle - That is just the tip of the iceburg.

Irish - Hey old man, how YOU doin?

Hedgie - Don't grab the boob.

Julia - My sis is an attorney. Very handy to have around.

Hedgie said...

Darn! Not the one I was hoping for.

Irish Gumbo said...

Charmaine, I'm aiight. Just trying to figure a few things out.

Michelle said...

Well well girlie!!! Look who is here!!!

Give me a I
Give me a M
Give me a I
Give me a S
Give me a S
Give me a Y
Give me a O
GIve me a U

I MISS YOU!!

Can i grab your left breast???

Paul Eilers said...

So does this usually mean there's no second date?

The Unbreakable Child said...

Charmine can you please contact me about doing a guest spot on my blog, hugs

kimmi.rich (at) gmail.com

lisahgolden said...

Oh my word. They shouldn't have to be told, should they? I'm not out there on the dating scene, but I can imagine my lack of patience for having to deal with the things you touch on here. I love your sense of humor about it.

bernthis said...

YAY you are back!!!!

Love the one about asking to pay for lunch and the boob, my right is the more "gifted" one

P.O.M. said...

1. Where the hiz-ell have you been?
A. Did you get a job?
B. Did you go out of town?

2. Have you gone on any NEW dates because these references are all on past experiences. Let's get some new ones.

3. I'm on the market again too. This time for really-reals.

the mama bird diaries said...

These are great tips, especially the boobs one.

Briana said...

I was at a party with mostly married couples. I was wearing a v-neck shirt, showing some cleavage, but not too much. Then one of the men I knew (married - about 50)thrust his hand down the top of my shirt and grabbed my bosom inside my bra. What's wrong with men!

Hedgie said...

It's getting close to Valentine's, and no word from our Dating Goddess? *sniff*

HumorSmith said...

Well, hell, why don't ya take all the fun out of dating while you're at it? If you need me, I'll be in my mancave.

♥ Braja said...

Jesus Mary Joseph. Tell me you have not dated these creatures....

Train Wreck said...

Yep you need a Cowboy.They'll open your door, say yes ma'am, and Thank you for letting them touch your boob!! hahaaha. Geez, I am glad I don't have to date anymore...I would be a old maid! And just for the record they should tell you right off how gorgeous you are. Glad to see you back. I was worried you went "surfin"

Hedgie said...

Okay, I hate to resort to this, but I guess I must. As of now, I'm holding my breath till Charmaine shows back up. I tend to turn all chartreuse and puce. It's not pretty. But you asked for it.

Da Old Man said...

I don't want to grab your boob, but would like a new post to read.

You doing ok?

Simplicity said...

Well hello beautiful! I somehow missed this post!! How are you??

BTW these comments are hilarious!!

Hedgie said...

Jeez. God spam? Cyber Jehovah's Witnesses? Holy hermeneutics, Batman!

Chairman Bill said...

Cyber proselytising. Scary!

Of course, God did it!

Chairman Bill said...

PS - a tip for female on-liners is not to tell your date that you're seeing 3 men (of which the current date is one) and are about to choose which one of them will have the honour of being the father of your children.

Makes it sound a bit clinical.

loosecannon said...

Dear Follower:

The eligible bachelors of RUFKM want to let you know that our staff has been on hiatus as we rebuilt our site and have it hosted by GoDaddy but ---WE ARE BACK! This new format will more effectively waste your time. We have 2 new articles. One from SonnyGirl (I only sleep with Democrats) and one from LC (Yes, I know exactly where that is). Let us know what you think of the new style. I wanted to email this to you but could not find your contact info.

Sincerely,

LC and the RUFKM Army
www.rufkm.net
Are You F---ing Kidding Me??

Hedy said...

Loved the list. Welcome back. I blame the feminists for men who think they can't be the man. And yo, Jesus freak spammer: When you tell a story, have a freakin' point.

Laurie said...

Love the list! Especially the numbering. Have you ever considered a rewarding career as an accountant??