Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Middle Aged Dating is War


As I reflect on months of inspired dating it has become clear: I've changed.

In the beginning I tried to be appealing. I assiduously (in the original post I used the word deciduous...I AM that dumb) sought items of mutual interest to ease the first awkward moments. I made an effort to be both witty AND charming.

I was a finely tuned witty repartee delivery machine.


Charmaine: Hello?
John: Hi, this is John.
Charmaine: Hey. Which one are you again? I mean, what's your on-line name?
John: I'm Frankmfbo. You know, the tall guy.
Charmaine: Ohhhh yea, you're 6'8". Do you have some kind of pituitary problem or something?
John: Why do you say that?
Charmaine: Because the pituitary secretes growth hormone and you're abnormally tall.
John: Oh.
Charmaine: What are you doing?
John: I'm driving to a doctors appointment
Charmaine: What kind of doctor?
John: Ummmm, ya know....uhh....what do they call them...the head type.
Charmaine: Do you mean to say that you're seeing a psychiatrist?
John: Yes.
Charmaine: Are you on any medications?
John: Why do you ask?
Charmaine: Because you're speech is slurred.
John: (Fails to respond)
Charmaine: That was kind of a conversation killer, wasn't it?
John: Yea. So would you like to go out?
Charmaine: Click

Crazy people are best left alone. I tell you this from experience. I'm related to more then a few. Don't stick around, don't try to discern the problem, just run.

Do not infer that I don't like crazy people. I do. They're interesting. I was a Psychiatric Aid in Chicago. My Uncle was the resident Psychiatrist.

There was a lovely and genteel fellow who lived on the floor I managed. He was kind and courteous. His pants were too short. What did it mean?

After a week of employment I read his case folder. He was admitted to the hospital after beating his mother over the head with a hammer until she was dead.

If I see a man wearing floods, I run for the hills.


P.O.M. said...

Oh dear.
1. Dissiduously - really?
2. Sit ups? Who are you kidding?

Yes, I agree. Crazy people are best let alone.

BP said...

Maybe he thought that YOU were the crazy one asking him about his pituitary gland which I'm sure he didn't know he had. Sanity is relative. By that, I do not mean to imply that any of our "relatives" are sane. And, anyway,normalcy is overrated. Wait, is normalcy a word? Well, I guess it doesn't really have to be a word to be in this blog.

Christine said...

I'm glad someone else knows what the pituitary secretes....haha! Keep those crazies away....I married someone normal to balance my craziness out!

Comedy Goddess said...

Soldier on brave Charmaine. Come visit us in NYC.

Lisa said...

Yeah. Yikes. The red flags were waving all over on that one.

Frogs in my formula said...

My husband's mom is a nurse on a psych ward and occasionally she has some of her patients join us for the holidays. It's true what you say, that crazy people are best left alone. They're interesting, sure, but not knowing what might set them off is unnerving as hell.

LL said...

A repost? You get me all hot and bothered about your dating DON'Ts list and you put up a repost?

Come over here so I can rough you up a bit... ;)

bernthis said...

Don't u you wish all these conversations were just stuff from your imagination?

Michele said...

Good call hanging up. Drugs and Psychiatrist = too much crazy.

LOL - floods

Hedgie said...

I think we're going to have to lay a trail of kielbasa crumbs in order to lure Charmaine out of hiding and back to commenting again.

The Unbreakable Child said...

: D

Hedgie said...

Yes, officer, she was last seen here a week ago and not since then. Hair? Yes. Eyes? Two, I believe. General appearance? Squeezable. Personality? Noticeable. Known associates? Fishy, not always in a good way. Reward? Well, there is this kielbasa she left behind . . . .

Shakespeare's Housekeeper said...

Charmaine, you lovely gal you, i've tagged you to do 'Honest Scrap.
Please don't hate me- in fact you might find it quite theraputic!


Anonymous said...

Girl! where have you been???

I hope the crazies haven't gotten you!!! lol

I finally had a date. Then I saw him again. And I'm supposed to see him again.

check out my last post...:)

And don't run into any persons wearing floods!!!


Da Old Man said...

Hi. Just stopped by to wish you a Happy Oprah's Birthday.

vicki archer said...

I love your dry sense of humour - next time I see a man in short pants (pray that I never will because the idea is far from appealing) I am running away as fast as I can! xv

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Michelle said...



SweetPeaSurry said...

Kind of makes you want to read the man's MOTHER's file, ya know?

I go to crazy-town all the time. I usually tell people I'm taking a trip to it first though. That way they're prepared.

The Seductress Within said...

You have a very entertaining blog here. I am enjoying the stories. Keep them coming...

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