Thursday, January 8, 2009

You Pick My Date - Results

I am always 100% certain of the man you will select. I rig the choices in order to force you pick the one I secretly desire. That's what I thought until...

You picked the Kielbasa.

Clearly you can't be trusted (you know I love you for it). You never fail to invent bachelor #4.

Facing my commitment to honor your choice, I developed a nervous tic in my left eye.

At Walmart today, returning Evil Surfer Dude's romantic Christmas presents, the customer service girl implored, "Stop winking at me".
a
"I'm NOT winking. Didn't you take psychology 100 in High School? It's a neurotic thing. I have problems, the least of which is I have a date with a piece of sausage tonight" I hissed.

"Huh?" she said.

"Just give me a store credit" I responded.

RESULTS:

Bachelor #1.) 4 votes.


Bachelor # 2.) 4 votes.


Bachelor # 3.) 9 votes.


Kielbasa: 16 votes.

(Sigh)

I cried on the way to Walmart. I cried because I was driving to Walmart. Then I cried because I heard "our song". Vern's and my song. He doesn't know we have a song.

Then I got over it.

This just in: I don't like Kielbasa. It just sits there. He's a slimy bastard, doesn't say a word and won't take me out to dinner no matter how many times I ask.

Shit...we are having an earth quake right NOW. ahhhh. I am serious!!! The house is shaking....

K. I'm alive. It was a small one. I'm waiting for the aftershock ... (faints)

36 comments:

Jesse Mendez said...

Hi there how are you? I looked through your blog and found similarities and would like to become blog friends.

I have a humble blog here in San Diego and would love it if you came by and visited and commented.

I think you may enjoy the various labels that I have for my High Art blog. I install music videos that I like and keep my writing as real as I can.

I hope to see you soon here.... :)

The Panic Room said...

i think your new dating profile should just be a link to this blog. Anyone with the balls to still email you for a date has potential or they are a masochist and that might be fun too.

Umm as for your house shaking. run?!

hope all is well.

The Panic Room said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hedgie said...

Put the kielbasa in the freezer and take it with you on future forays with denizens of the plentyoffish pond in case they get overly frisky.

I, however, have a nice pork tenderloin you might be interested in instead. Cabbageless, too.

SweetPeaSurry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SweetPeaSurry said...

I don't know what I was thinking in that last comment, so I had to come in and re-do.

I've been sorely neglecting ya blog and for that I am truly sorry. I really wanted to vote. Everyone voted for who I would have picked anyway ... but ... well. There ya go ... I'm all out of things to say.

I wouldn't worry about the Kielbasa though, perhaps you could donate it to a midwestern-food-loving neighbor?

Charmaine said...

Sweet Pea, I can't comment on your blog. It' won't let me.

Or maybe I'm shaken up after the earthquake.

Captain Dumbass said...

Damn! I missed voting on a date.

Hedgie said...

I certainly hope the goats make it through safely.

Braja said...

You are SUCH a drama queen...

I'd cry too if I had to drive to Walmart. Seriously. And I'm with Panic Room: just link to this site and anyone with balls enough left to take you on after reading our comments is ok by us :)

Simplicity said...

Bring the kielbasa the next time you go on a date. Tell him that you have a backup plan if things don't work out so no pressure! :)

I'm seriously reconsidering my decision to seriously reconsider moving to California!!

Can I have the younger dude if things don't work out? ;)

LL said...

Well... problem solved. Jesse Mendez has found you.

Seriously... you tried to force one of these guys on us? Isn't that a crime? No wonder the kielbasa won out in the end.

No more tears my dear... just think, there are plenty of fish in the sea... just not on the web. ;)

Irish Gumbo said...

Charmaine? Are you there? Hello? Wake up, my dear!

(whew)

You could keep the kielbasa, and bring it out to prospective dates, then ask them "Can you handles this?" The responses could tell you a lot, maybe like a 'ink blot' test, a "Porkschach" test if you will.

Let me know how that works out. :)

High Desert Diva said...

Sausage, Wal-Mart and an earthquake all in one day (hell...one week) would make me cry, too.

~ The Other Charmaine

Michelle said...

So here is my idea, i think you may like it too!!!

What you need to do is set up a dating blog!! Then on that blog you put your dating profile and some really hot photos of yourself!!! If you feel you don't want to do that you can always include photos of me pretending to be you!! I think i can pull that off. Perhaps one of me holding the kielbasa??? Anyway, so this will be your private dating service JUST FOR YOU!!! Only allow men to comment. Each blog post will be a new profile all about YOU!!!!

As each prospective commenter (MAN) comments i will screen them for you and only allow you to see those i deem high quality!!!!

You can thank me later!!!

Happy Friday!!!

And if the earthquake starts again i highly suggest you consider moving to NYC!!!!!

Michele said...

Truly, the Kielbasa was the better choice.

I remember living in L.A. in the very early 80s.(see my guilty blog post for why I lived there, sucked) It got so I'd ignore the damn tremors.

Mike said...

Oh yeah I heard about the earthquake before I went to bed last night. #4 gets my vote. Why don't you just go stand on a corner somewhere. You couldn't do worse and hey you might make a buck or two.

The Panic Room said...

I tagged you today in this 666 thing. No big deal. you rule.

BaldyLocks said...

Hi, just thought I'd let you know that I aspire to be you.

I'm a long time dateaphobe.

Hedgie said...

Forget the kielbasa; BillieRock's found the perfect meat provider from the pof breeding pond. What real woman wouldn't be swooning in anticipation?

Irish Chicken Soup said...

:(

I'm pretty sure that the earthquakes alone would be enough to give me a nervous tick. (This of course coming from a girl who's house is hit by a hurricane every three seconds)

If you want, my dad is capable of some mean homemade sauerkraut. Maybe I can over night it.

PurpleGreenPops.com said...

My mother was born and raised in North Carolina. But for one year, as a young girl, she lived in Bakersfield, California. She said she never did get used to those earthquakes, even the minor ones.

If you didn't have such bad luck with men, you would have no luck at all.

Don't buy a lottery ticket any time soon.

Braja said...

Hope you are not tooooo traumatized by the earthquake...I just came to answer your question...

I don't eat anything that had to die to fill my stomach. I can't find a single reason in the entire universe that would make it right to do so....unless of course you like the taste of partially cremated remains of dead animal bodies. Just sayin', cos you asked... :)

Vodka Mom said...

I'm voting for number three. I never really did like Kielbasa......

Comedy Goddess said...

Clearly you have offended the earthquake Gods by not heeding their command to stay at home and to eat the Kielbasa. Come on, it's only symbolic!

Captain Dumbass said...

My wife had always liked the name Connor. It took us 3 years to conceive him so we had too much time to think of names and mine were getting stranger and stranger. His middle name is Mongkhun which is Thai.

Da Old Man said...

I just can't believe you didn't take the advice of your nearest and dearest friends who you have never actually met and may all be 14 year old boys sitting in our rooms, chatting with you in between playing WOW.

Give us another chance. And, that nervous tic can be cured with copious amounts of vodka.

Lisa said...

Oh how you make me laugh. Not by your situation, but the way you cover it. Now about the kielbasa. It goes better with potatoes and onions. Just step away from it. It will only give you heartburn.

I think you need someone who doesn't shop at Wal-Mart so you don't have to go there and wink at the girl in customer service.

Comedy Goddess said...

I was touring around and came across this very intriguing blogger in the UK. See if you like him. http://tainted-archive.blogspot.com/
Maybe I have watched too many episodes of Milliionaire Matchmaker.

Comedy Goddess said...

Now I have comment remorse. Maybe he is not all that. Damn.

Braja said...

Charmaine, honey, you are SO not retarded, you sweet thing :)

No meat, fish, eggs, chicken, nothing. Grains, milk (only from protected cows) and vegetables...and in no way does that mean "restricted." I love it :)

bernthis said...

I could never let someone decide who I'm going to go on a date with. I don't even trust me to decide.

Hedgie said...

Ah, sweet Charmaine, the aftershocks have ended and the goats are fine. You can come out again now.

ARCHAVIST said...

Well at the very least you've got another reader

Michelle said...

Where u b???

I miss u!!!!

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