This is a guest post written for us by the endlessly hilarious Jessica Bern. Run, don't walk, to her blog entitled, bernthis for proof. I wouldn't lie to you. Go now. She even has a sit-com that was professionally filmed . The episodes are about her life.
You can watch her talking to her therapist. It's fall-down funny. I just love her.
Like me, she has been on line dating.
THERE ARE THE DO'S, THESE ARE THE DONT'S
By Jessica Bern
As a public service to all the men out there attempting to lure a woman through on line dating, I am here to announce a list of things you should NOT do if you ever want to get laid again.
Before I begin, I will say that these tips were compiled after interviewing numerous women attempting to find love online. They have agreed that when faced with any of the following they proceed to roll their eyes and hit the "delete" button. The following are not listed in any order. They are all complete and total turn-offs. Any one or combination thereof will lead to the above said action on the part of the recipient.
1. Do not post a picture of yourself in sunglasses. To do so is the equivalent of putting a bag over your head. After viewing your profile, your pictures must be updated and clear enough for said woman to pick you out of a line-up.
2. Do not post pictures of Kodak moments with no human subjects. If you are trying to communicate that you enjoy photography, please take the time to list this under the "hobbies" section. Then take more time to remove the photos of sunsets. If you're not big into taking photos and just want us to see "stuff", put these pictures into an album and let us take a look at them some time in the very,very, very distant future.
3. Do not post a picture of yourself holding a cat. It's good to know that you like animals but a majority of women have said that when they see a guy holding a Calico, the first word that springs to mind is "pussy" as in "this guy is clearly a pussy" which leads to the rolling of the eyes and the hitting of the delete button (as mentioned in paragraph one).
4. Do not post a photo of yourself half naked, flexing your muscles while looking into your bathroom mirror, or any mirror or the lens of a camera for that matter.
5. Please do not post a photo of yourself leaning against a very expensive car. If you insist on doing so, post along side it a photo of the title to the car with a notarized letter stating that said automobile, in fact, belongs to you.
6. If you refuse to post a photo, limit yourself to contacting only women who have made the same choice. Not allowing others the chance to see what you look like screams, "I believe that my personality is so incredible that upon meeting me you will quickly forget that I am morbidly obese, have two wandering eyes and I'm holding a kitten."
7. Do not post photos of yourself from such a distance that it appears they were shot by a friend standing on the ROOF OF YOUR HOUSE. Last but not least:
8. If you're over 40 and your employment status has changed say to say, oh, I don't know...unemployed or you've decided to leave your job because you've got this story inside you that "just has to be told" and you're convinced, with all evidence to the contrary, that you are going to be the one in fifty thousand unknowns that will actually get someone to pay to film your life story, a story that is so excruciatingly dull even your therapist can't take it anymore, please make sure to say so.
Charmaine here. I will post my list of of what NOT to do on the actual date itself. Here's a preview: 1. Don't grab my boob.