Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Attention Online Daters

This is a guest post written for us by the endlessly hilarious Jessica Bern. Run, don't walk, to her blog entitled, bernthis for proof. I wouldn't lie to you. Go now. She even has a sit-com that was professionally filmed . The episodes are about her life.
a
You can watch her talking to her therapist. It's fall-down funny. I just love her.
a
Like me, she has been on line dating.
a
THERE ARE THE DO'S, THESE ARE THE DONT'S
By Jessica Bern

As a public service to all the men out there attempting to lure a woman through on line dating, I am here to announce a list of things you should NOT do if you ever want to get laid again.

Before I begin, I will say that these tips were compiled after interviewing numerous women attempting to find love online. They have agreed that when faced with any of the following they proceed to roll their eyes and hit the "delete" button. The following are not listed in any order. They are all complete and total turn-offs. Any one or combination thereof will lead to the above said action on the part of the recipient.

1. Do not post a picture of yourself in sunglasses. To do so is the equivalent of putting a bag over your head. After viewing your profile, your pictures must be updated and clear enough for said woman to pick you out of a line-up.

2. Do not post pictures of Kodak moments with no human subjects. If you are trying to communicate that you enjoy photography, please take the time to list this under the "hobbies" section. Then take more time to remove the photos of sunsets. If you're not big into taking photos and just want us to see "stuff", put these pictures into an album and let us take a look at them some time in the very,very, very distant future.

3. Do not post a picture of yourself holding a cat. It's good to know that you like animals but a majority of women have said that when they see a guy holding a Calico, the first word that springs to mind is "pussy" as in "this guy is clearly a pussy" which leads to the rolling of the eyes and the hitting of the delete button (as mentioned in paragraph one).

4. Do not post a photo of yourself half naked, flexing your muscles while looking into your bathroom mirror, or any mirror or the lens of a camera for that matter.

5. Please do not post a photo of yourself leaning against a very expensive car. If you insist on doing so, post along side it a photo of the title to the car with a notarized letter stating that said automobile, in fact, belongs to you.

6. If you refuse to post a photo, limit yourself to contacting only women who have made the same choice. Not allowing others the chance to see what you look like screams, "I believe that my personality is so incredible that upon meeting me you will quickly forget that I am morbidly obese, have two wandering eyes and I'm holding a kitten."

7. Do not post photos of yourself from such a distance that it appears they were shot by a friend standing on the ROOF OF YOUR HOUSE. Last but not least:

8. If you're over 40 and your employment status has changed say to say, oh, I don't know...unemployed or you've decided to leave your job because you've got this story inside you that "just has to be told" and you're convinced, with all evidence to the contrary, that you are going to be the one in fifty thousand unknowns that will actually get someone to pay to film your life story, a story that is so excruciatingly dull even your therapist can't take it anymore, please make sure to say so.

Charmaine here. I will post my list of of what NOT to do on the actual date itself. Here's a preview: 1. Don't grab my boob.

54 comments:

Ann's Rants said...

I fucking love you both. But I already knew that.

Train Wreck said...

HAHAHAHa I am so glad I was not drinking anything. It surely would hace come out my nose! I can't wait to read your What not to do's!!! I will drink now.

Marinka said...

fantastic, as always. I already know and love Jessica, but how fun to find her here. I don't online date, but even I can't stand #5.

Braja said...

Honey what personal crisis...ohhhhhh.

Michele said...

I love Jessica. You were so right to let her guest host. I can't wait for the do not list.

XoXo Meg! said...

YOU are hilarious and your blog is so damn funny! Trainwreck told me I just had to check you out and I am soooooooooooo following you now!

Train Wreck said...

AH ha Meg has been here! Oh girl I am sending traffic your way! Speaking of which... I just so happen to have a Single, Cowboy friend.... I don't know if his mom was a ballerina? lmao!

PurpleGreenPops.com said...

Just say it girls.

Men = Losers

Women = Perfect

(But this Online Daters list should be common sense, no?)

Joanie said...

Hahah!!! I love it! I agree with every one of your rules!
By the way, I met my "significant other" online! I swear!

LL said...

Oh great... TW has another "Cowboy friend"... keep both eyes on her... she'll hook you up with some real loser if you're not careful.

Glad to see you weren't killed by the aftershocks.

Train Wreck said...

LL WHy I otta! You are not my only single Cowboy friend! You really need to get a higher opinion... I don't hang around Losers! I divorce them! Char never you mind what LL has to say, he is just onery. I should have given him a glass of lemonade! Stop by I have one for you!

LL said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vodka Mom said...

LOL!!

That was damn good.

Irish Gumbo said...

Dammit, do you know how many profiles I'm going to have to revise? Errr, this is more complicated than I thought...

And Charmaine, that #1 don't you listed? Does asking politely help? ;)

Tammy said...

LMAO! Love it!

Rebekah said...

As a survivor of MANY bad dates, could you PLEASE add to your "what not to do on a date" list:

Don't ever, EVER grab your date's hand, put it on your package and say "this is for you". Ever.

Because my husband reads my blog, it's likely I won't get to talk about this one so much...and it Needs To Be Said.

BlueEyedWonder said...

That was a great list of DON'TS...

You know and I know that those are the EXACT things that the men on there do!!!

And I don't know how many times I've hit 'delete' for exactly those same reasons!

And by the way: Still no date out of the ones I showed you guys!! Still talking to the guy with the niece..And now I have a number 6 to show you! He and I seem to be really hitting it off!!

Soon, soon for a date!! lol

K said...

It's a good list.

I think any of these definitely earns a delete.

Giggle Pixie said...

These were a hoot! Thanks for all the giggles - both of you!

WA said...

I'm going to start online dating so I'll have more to talk about with you two. My husband won't mind.

Mom24 said...

Awesome. I hear experience talking here.

Seeker said...

Love your blogs....roared with laughter...then stopped suddenly...I am in the same boat...

Do Post a picture that has been taken within the last year...or so
Do post a picture of you...without your arms wrapped around some other woman.
Do Post a picture of you....not a group of guys with no explaining which one is you (idiot)

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Hysterical! Ugh - online dating - what a nightmare! Thank God the two of you do it so the rest of us don't have to!

SSP said...

you do realize that that list effectively eliminates EVERY male on the planet with an online profile.... What IS it with the sunglasses and the car, oh, and the motorcycle - they LOOOOVE their motorcycles. I really love the ones of them with their 3 kids. Nothing like exposing the faces of your CHILDREN to potential stalkers (not that I, or you Charmaine, are stalkers, but there are SOME freaky desperate women out there!)

Casey said...

Oy, I'm so glad I got through that dating period in my life. My friends tried to start an online profile for me too but it didn't end well. Great guest post, Jessica.

Julia@SometimesLucid said...

That is really funny. By the way, I found you through Jessica and now have a new blog to stalk :)

Braja said...

Charmaine honey, you there?

Tooj said...

I'm following from Bern...and she is hilariously talented. Thanks for guesting her....and I'll be back to read your NOTS. :)

the mama bird diaries said...

Brilliant. These are excellent tips.

Heather said...

This was hilarious.

Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

Hilarious, as always!
An online dating virgin here, but my husband does find it amusing to surf au pair sites "to find the kids a new mommy" and the same kinds of rules apply over there. Like: if you want to live in my house and look after my kids, don't post a photo of yourself in a low cut top with your arms around your boyfriend, lifting your beer bottle to expose your wrist tattoo...

Jill said...

Too funny!!

lisa said...

Found you through Braja, and I'm now a follower.

Although I've been married a long time, why do I find myself still wondering over to the dating websites?

It might be to reassure myself that I'm glad I'm married.

Leon Basin said...

Hey, how are you doing?

Seeker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Seeker said...

Placed DATING POEM for you on my site..Please have a read...

Michelle said...

So, i guess i lost you to the masses!!!

Take care there girlie!!!

Tooj said...

I am going to be checking back here regularly and see how your dates go. LOL I will be hooked since I'm now "married". If you hook Jessica up, keep me informed! Event planner, I see? I'm JEALOUS. I have such fun planning my own wedding, it made me interested in doing that.

Nicole said...

I just had to come over from Marinka's blog and tell you I was laughing my ass of at your mammo comment. That was hilarious!!! LOL

Nicole said...

Ok I'm back, I had to read your post. obese, cross eyed and holding a cat..........I shudder to even think. Eeeewwww.

Braja said...

Charmaine, can you email me?

braja.sorensen@gmail.com

Henry the Dog said...

Mum is almost peeing her pants - she loved them all but No 6 has got her in hysterics....x

pidomon said...

well that certainly explains why i haven't had any responses to my ad LOL!

Simplicity said...

Awesome tips! I particularly agree with 4 and 6...and Charmaine's tip of course! However, it's at the point now where I'd probably even accept that one...sigh!

SSP said...

where ARE you Charmaine??

Comedy Goddess said...

Did you fly to Vegas to visit a certain all night Chapel? email me about NYC!

Comedy Goddess said...

Did you fly to Vegas to visit a certain all night Chapel? email me about NYC!

Hedgie said...

That must be some kielbasa Charmaine's gone out with.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

That was hilarious. Rules for men to live by, whether they are online dating or not!!

Braja said...

Where in God's name are you, woman?!

Train Wreck said...

Yes where are you my newest friend? Please tell me you don't have that horrible bug that is going around. Check in let us know you are ok...I hope you are just having alot of fun.With lots of pictures!

Admin said...

http://www.You4Dating.com , is a Profesional Dating Site Visit Site and Find Your Match at:
http://www.You4Dating.com
-------------------------
http://www.You4Dating.com

webmaster said...

http://www.You4Dating.co 100% Free Dating website!

1.Our Website - is a great way to find new friends or partners, for fun, dating and long term relationships. Meeting and socializing with people is both fun and safe.

2.Common sense precautions should be taken however when arranging to meet anyone face to face for the first time.

3.You4Dating Free Online Dating ,You4Dating is a Free 100% Dating Site, There are No Charges ever. We allow You to Restrict who can Contact You, and Remove those unfit to Date.

4. You4Dating is Responsible for Creating Relationships per Year proving it is possible to Find Love Online. It will Quickly become a Leader in the Internet Dating Industry because of its Advanced Features and matching Systems,and most of all,Because is a 100% Free-There are No Charges Ever.

5. You4Dating is an International Dating Website Serving Single Men and Single Women Worldwide. Whether you're seeking Muslim,Christian,Catholic, Singles Jewish ,Senor Dating,Black Dating, or Asian Dating,You4Dating is a Right Place for Members to Browse through, and Potentially Find a Date.
Meet more than 100000 Registred Users

6. Multy Language Dating Site.

http://www.You4Dating.com
-------------------------
http://www.You4Dating.com
-------------------------
http://www.You4Dating.com .

disa said...

AV,無碼,a片免費看,自拍貼圖,伊莉,微風論壇,成人聊天室,成人電影,成人文學,成人貼圖區,成人網站,一葉情貼圖片區,色情漫畫,言情小說,情色論壇,臺灣情色網,色情影片,色情,成人影城,080視訊聊天室,a片,A漫,h漫,麗的色遊戲,同志色教館,AV女優,SEX,咆哮小老鼠,85cc免費影片,正妹牆,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,聊天室,情色小說,aio,成人,微風成人,做愛,成人貼圖,18成人,嘟嘟成人網,aio交友愛情館,情色文學,色情小說,色情網站,情色,A片下載,嘟嘟情人色網,成人影片,成人圖片,成人文章,成人小說,成人漫畫,視訊聊天室,性愛,a片,AV女優,聊天室,情色