What a difference a day makes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbcltLf2VHo
10 seconds ago I could barely eat for lack of "The King". I was practically clinically depressed. I was in love with him. Had to have him. I couldn't stop thinking of him. I wanted to have his children. (Little Estrogen problem in that area...)
I was waiting in a restaurant for the Argentinian. I decided to call The King. I wanted to apologize...or something. He didn't pick up.
I told the 24 year old blond bartender I was waiting for a first date. We became cohorts. She wanted to see what he looked like. (Watching old folks date is fun. )
Then he walked in..a 58 year old Tom Cruise. Holy Shit.
It was a great date. I made out with him. (I told my sister. She called me a whore.) After dinner we danced. There was no dance floor. My lips were on his neck. His arms were around my waist. He pulled me closer. He thanked me over and over again for calling him back.
He wants to see me tomorrow. And the day after. I have a little problem with my knee. He's making an appointment with his Orthopedic on Monday to take care of me. Someone wants to help me. ME? Huh?
He escorted me to the Ladies Room, waited for me to emerge.
He held my hand. He would not let go.
So why am I not answering the phone you ask? I dunno. (And they say men retreat.) I've been a man for 48 years...This "being a woman" business is gonna require a few adjustments.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
U-Turn
King is that you? Are you reading my blog AGAIN?
Turn back. I'm warning you... It's the rules and, I know you're "the man" and all but 'round these parts I make the rules.
Seriously. Click "close" now. We need to talk about you behind your back.
Go ahead now...Go.
Jeesh. Some people just don't listen.
So, because "change is in the air". I'm doing all sorts of crazy stuff. I decided I wanted the King back and sent him some sappy youtube songs. He responded with some kind of love song.
This post has taken a U-turn. (U-turns are my specialty.) I thought the King was dumping me but It turns out I'm psychotic. I dumped him. I need to lighten up on the drunken stupors.
The King is innocent.
Yup. I found the email. I told him I was waltzing into the sunset. His reply: "I didn't know you could watlz. Can I come? I love sunsets." He said to call him when I'm was free. Holy Shit.
But there IS a back up plan. Afterwhich I may retire.
King if you're still here... You can't just start stealin' my moves. You climb trees, I pull disappearing acts. Like I said, I think I called this wrong. I'm out of my mind. And now we still have an Argentinian to deal with. Oh well.
The Argentinian texted me the moment his plane landed from New York. Then he called. Within 30 minutes he managed to say:
1. I love talking to you, you have a fantastic personality. We were talking about socialized medicine.
2. You are so beautiful. We were talking about his sister who teaches Tango is Switzerland.
3. You have a fantastic body, baby. We were talking about 1-800-Get Slim billboards. I'd never seen one.
European men have skills. Yea yea I KNOW the guy is from South America. It sounds better that way.
And now Ladies and Gentlemen, let's journey into Charmaine's brain. Join me, won't you? A copywritten feature of this blog.
"I can't believe The King disappeared? (Like I said, I can't apologize enough. I called it wrong. )I liked the bastard.I mean...I still do. I did'nt even get produce. Not even an apple. I think I'm growing a beard. I can't feel my right foot. Is it too late to eat lunch? Do these pants make my butt look fat? As if I HAD a butt. "
Turn back. I'm warning you... It's the rules and, I know you're "the man" and all but 'round these parts I make the rules.
Seriously. Click "close" now. We need to talk about you behind your back.
Go ahead now...Go.
Jeesh. Some people just don't listen.
So, because "change is in the air". I'm doing all sorts of crazy stuff. I decided I wanted the King back and sent him some sappy youtube songs. He responded with some kind of love song.
This post has taken a U-turn. (U-turns are my specialty.) I thought the King was dumping me but It turns out I'm psychotic. I dumped him. I need to lighten up on the drunken stupors.
The King is innocent.
Yup. I found the email. I told him I was waltzing into the sunset. His reply: "I didn't know you could watlz. Can I come? I love sunsets." He said to call him when I'm was free. Holy Shit.
But there IS a back up plan. Afterwhich I may retire.
King if you're still here... You can't just start stealin' my moves. You climb trees, I pull disappearing acts. Like I said, I think I called this wrong. I'm out of my mind. And now we still have an Argentinian to deal with. Oh well.
The Argentinian texted me the moment his plane landed from New York. Then he called. Within 30 minutes he managed to say:
1. I love talking to you, you have a fantastic personality. We were talking about socialized medicine.
2. You are so beautiful. We were talking about his sister who teaches Tango is Switzerland.
3. You have a fantastic body, baby. We were talking about 1-800-Get Slim billboards. I'd never seen one.
European men have skills. Yea yea I KNOW the guy is from South America. It sounds better that way.
And now Ladies and Gentlemen, let's journey into Charmaine's brain. Join me, won't you? A copywritten feature of this blog.
"I can't believe The King disappeared? (Like I said, I can't apologize enough. I called it wrong. )I liked the bastard.I mean...I still do. I did'nt even get produce. Not even an apple. I think I'm growing a beard. I can't feel my right foot. Is it too late to eat lunch? Do these pants make my butt look fat? As if I HAD a butt. "
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The King and I
The "King of Produce" was upgraded to "The King" when he sent me this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToeY7MkCm0c
Then he disappeared.
I felt bad for 24 hours.
I have a rule. My baby sister taught it to me. The rule is you can feel as angry,bad, whatever the emotion is...for 24 hours. You can wallow. Then you have to get up.
You've been with me on this wild ride. My dates have been comic tragedies.
I don't want to be a comic tragedy anymore.
Change is in the air.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzf6xE4zdpo
Then he disappeared.
I felt bad for 24 hours.
I have a rule. My baby sister taught it to me. The rule is you can feel as angry,bad, whatever the emotion is...for 24 hours. You can wallow. Then you have to get up.
You've been with me on this wild ride. My dates have been comic tragedies.
I don't want to be a comic tragedy anymore.
Change is in the air.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzf6xE4zdpo
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Don't Cry For Me
Don’t Cry For Me Argentina. The truth is I neeeeeever left you… Okay. Moving on…
Because I am Middle Aged and getting battier by the minute, I locked my keys in the car. I was at the happiest place on earth, Albertson’s.
I live two (2) blocks away. The problem is I was wearing my notorious 4-inch heels.
I started up the hill. With each step I muttered an explicative. My shoes were KILLING me.
A gigantic Mercedes pulled out of traffic. A man emerged with the bravado of a Matador.
“Dear God, he is NOT waiting for me,” I thought.
He approached and, I believe, bowed. He said, “Miss, your bags look heavy, may I offer assistance?”
One of the reasons I am alive is because I don’t accept rides from strangers. But I was going to die if I took another step. Death by four-inch heels…
I allowed the stranger to give me a ride home. I thought he was going to drive to a remote location and kill me when he missed the first turn.
He took me home instead, waited for me to retrieve my spare key then returned me to my car. I thanked him. He asked for my number.
The funny thing is I’d been out with “The King” the night before. I
left my cell phone in his sport coat.
“The King” heard the call from the Argentinean the next day.His sport coat was "ringing" in his closet.
“The King” thought it was me trying to locate my phone. So he called the man back.
Woops.
Because I am Middle Aged and getting battier by the minute, I locked my keys in the car. I was at the happiest place on earth, Albertson’s.
I live two (2) blocks away. The problem is I was wearing my notorious 4-inch heels.
I started up the hill. With each step I muttered an explicative. My shoes were KILLING me.
A gigantic Mercedes pulled out of traffic. A man emerged with the bravado of a Matador.
“Dear God, he is NOT waiting for me,” I thought.
He approached and, I believe, bowed. He said, “Miss, your bags look heavy, may I offer assistance?”
One of the reasons I am alive is because I don’t accept rides from strangers. But I was going to die if I took another step. Death by four-inch heels…
I allowed the stranger to give me a ride home. I thought he was going to drive to a remote location and kill me when he missed the first turn.
He took me home instead, waited for me to retrieve my spare key then returned me to my car. I thanked him. He asked for my number.
The funny thing is I’d been out with “The King” the night before. I
left my cell phone in his sport coat.
“The King” heard the call from the Argentinean the next day.His sport coat was "ringing" in his closet.
“The King” thought it was me trying to locate my phone. So he called the man back.
Woops.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Jesus Christ
About "The King of Produce"? You don't know the half of it.(No that is NOT him above. That's Jesus. Duh.)
a
There was another date with "The King". Basically I threw myself at him. Then I changed my mind.
a
The "Whore of Babylon" should call me for lessons.
Here's the thing. He had an attractive quality. The same quality I have unwittingly wielded over men. (And I thought I was simply charming and irresistible.)
The quality is: Not caring while interested.
a
It's a killer combo.
aa
To his credit, he did nothing wrong. He was just a man. I'm usually the man. This time I was NOT in charge. Groan.
a
It was a moth-to-flame situation. Luckily I made a U-turn before I got burnt.
a
Moving forward I will not use this power again. Being on the "other side" of it sucked. It renders you powerless.
aaa
There is something to be learned in every mistake. I'm glad I made this one. I had the time of my life. I made a fool of myself and managed to learn something.
There is something to be learned in every mistake. I'm glad I made this one. I had the time of my life. I made a fool of myself and managed to learn something.
That doesn't happen every day.
a
We went to Hollywood. After dinner we strolled past Grauman's Chinese Theatre. (There are characters such as Spider Man, Buzz Light Year lurking to amuse tourists.)I liked this guy, ya know, Jesus Christ. I know what you're thinking. I might have more luck if I date Jesus? Well, he DID sort of like Mary Magdalene which, lately, bears a slight resemblance to ...uh...me.
Monday, April 13, 2009
The End of Dating
I recently penning a post entitled "The End of Dating". I was gonna throw in the towel.
A friend and successful author, after reading about my recent escapades, commented, "Charmaine, you must have nerves of steel."
She's right. I do.
If I can tussle with armed guards in Israel holding bayonets to my throat, I can handle another date.
On a subsequent date with "The King of Produce" I arrived at the restaurant where he was waiting atop a nearby tree to serenade me with a rendition of "Stand By Me".
After cajoling him out of the tree the doorman refused to allow us entry. He did not approve of people who disturb the peace. (My date has a baritone voice which...um...carries.)
Somehow "The King " and I convinced him to let us in.
There were young kids everywhere. I suggested to "The King" that we find an establishment where we might enjoy the company of adults.
In a perverse act of rebellion against this suggestion he lifted me under my bum, into the air, and demanded that I kiss him.
Several young men of the approximate age of twenty five (25) rushed in to make his acquaintance, shake his hand and congratulate him on his "spectacular moves".
His performance had nothing to do with me. In fact, I've never met a man less interested in me. He needs to be the star and he was. I was merely a vehicle.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Charmaine is nobodies vehicle.
A friend and successful author, after reading about my recent escapades, commented, "Charmaine, you must have nerves of steel."
She's right. I do.
If I can tussle with armed guards in Israel holding bayonets to my throat, I can handle another date.
On a subsequent date with "The King of Produce" I arrived at the restaurant where he was waiting atop a nearby tree to serenade me with a rendition of "Stand By Me".
After cajoling him out of the tree the doorman refused to allow us entry. He did not approve of people who disturb the peace. (My date has a baritone voice which...um...carries.)
Somehow "The King " and I convinced him to let us in.
There were young kids everywhere. I suggested to "The King" that we find an establishment where we might enjoy the company of adults.
In a perverse act of rebellion against this suggestion he lifted me under my bum, into the air, and demanded that I kiss him.
Several young men of the approximate age of twenty five (25) rushed in to make his acquaintance, shake his hand and congratulate him on his "spectacular moves".
His performance had nothing to do with me. In fact, I've never met a man less interested in me. He needs to be the star and he was. I was merely a vehicle.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Charmaine is nobodies vehicle.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Men in Trees
I had another date with “The King of Produce”.
We met for drinks and sushi. There were several martinis.
As we went to leave he started climbing trees in the parking lot. Two (2) trees to be exact. Men have advised I make them feel young again but this was ridiculous.
My cousin says there is Testosterone in my saliva.
After kissing me I think men simply try to get away.
A strange man emerged from the darkness like an errant fan. He gazed adoringly at my date perched 12 feet above him in the tree. (Why isn't there a film crew following me?) The man returned to his car to produce a small dog that he wanted to introduce to my date. You know, the man IN THE TREE!
What the HELL? As my cousin says, “you can’t make this shit up”.
The following day my date sent me the picture of the nuns which made me laugh out loud.
A couple of days later he advised he was conducting a command performance in a Magnolia tree outside a local restaurant and would I like to join him? Sigh. I said, "no" I've already seen this act.
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