I have been self absorbed and feeling sorry for myself.
A few months ago, like 100 Days in Bed, I had it all. A great job, lots of dates and was traveling the world.
Then everything changed. The job went away, I stopped dating to focus on a man wrong for me. I had a surgery which plummeted me, prematurely, into menopause in my 40's. Everything that seemed to define me, went away. My hair started falling out, my doctor advised I see a cardiologist (I am the same age my father was when he died). I didn't go. My skin changed, my remaining hair frizzed and I started having hot flashes every 10 minutes.
In my own way, I've been practising my version of 100 Days in Bed. I've been avoiding everything. I have nothing like her excuse. Sometimes the need to avoid pain can cause you to hide. It's not healthy. But I can't stop.
In my case, I've been hiding from mortality and menopause. The biggest problem is my hair. So superficial. I always had great hair. Now I don't. I'm taking hormones and I'm worried about cancer because my mother had cancer and I know I shouldn't be taking hormones.
With the immediate nature of the onset my body objected in a manner akin to a woman who had a hysterectomy. I went from normal...to zero hormones in one day. If I'd known this, I would never have agreed to the surgery. If it had been you having the surgery, I would have found out. But it was just me. The aftermath is that your body temperature escalates, you're face turns bright red and you sweat profusely...everywhere. Imagine this occuring every 10 minutes. It's not subtle. It's unstoppable and beyond embarassing and uncomfortable. You can't sleep, go on a date or have a 5 minute conversation. I decided to get relief with hormones. But secretly, I'm terrified of what is happening. I don't want to face it. I won't go to the doctor.
So I hide. I don't see my friends.
I believe that this is self absorption. Feeling sorry for myself is not the answer. Intellectually I know this.
So I'm going to need a couple more days in bed.