Monday, November 24, 2008

Getting Outside of Yourself

I have been self absorbed and feeling sorry for myself.

A few months ago, like 100 Days in Bed, I had it all. A great job, lots of dates and was traveling the world.

Then everything changed. The job went away, I stopped dating to focus on a man wrong for me. I had a surgery which plummeted me, prematurely, into menopause in my 40's. Everything that seemed to define me, went away. My hair started falling out, my doctor advised I see a cardiologist (I am the same age my father was when he died). I didn't go. My skin changed, my remaining hair frizzed and I started having hot flashes every 10 minutes.

In my own way, I've been practising my version of 100 Days in Bed. I've been avoiding everything. I have nothing like her excuse. Sometimes the need to avoid pain can cause you to hide. It's not healthy. But I can't stop.

In my case, I've been hiding from mortality and menopause. The biggest problem is my hair. So superficial. I always had great hair. Now I don't. I'm taking hormones and I'm worried about cancer because my mother had cancer and I know I shouldn't be taking hormones.

With the immediate nature of the onset my body objected in a manner akin to a woman who had a hysterectomy. I went from normal...to zero hormones in one day. If I'd known this, I would never have agreed to the surgery. If it had been you having the surgery, I would have found out. But it was just me. The aftermath is that your body temperature escalates, you're face turns bright red and you sweat profusely...everywhere. Imagine this occuring every 10 minutes. It's not subtle. It's unstoppable and beyond embarassing and uncomfortable. You can't sleep, go on a date or have a 5 minute conversation. I decided to get relief with hormones. But secretly, I'm terrified of what is happening. I don't want to face it. I won't go to the doctor.

So I hide. I don't see my friends.

I believe that this is self absorption. Feeling sorry for myself is not the answer. Intellectually I know this.

So I'm going to need a couple more days in bed.

7 comments:

JIMSIGHT said...

I didn't notice the extensions, the sweating, the red face or any of it, well maybe the conversation thing.

Sometimes we put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

Talk to you soon sweetie....hang in there, and keep the covers up real high for now if that is what you need.

adventure grrl said...

Awwww, sweetie. First of all, your comment on my blog was so inspiring too me. I'm not sure what to say to help other than... you take your time and then, for me, I just got fed up with not really participating in life. But what you are doing is totally normal - it's what I did - I was mourning the way things used to be. I don't think you're being self-involved, that is being too hard on yourself. Give yourself time, but don't isolate too long. One thing that surprised me is how much people really wanted to be there for me during my bad time, I just couldn't see it. I'm always here :)

Michelle J said...

Charmaine,
I am here for you!! Seriously, i can give you my cell # if you want to chat!!! Let me know!

I worry about you! I don't want you to isolate yourself too deeply!!!

Putting up a wall..i do that all the time! It's how i protect myself from the bad monsters out there! But, sometimes i peek around the wall to see whats out there!!

Try that!!!

What recipe do you want for Thanksgiving???

Love ya!

Mike said...

Feel better.

SSP said...

as one of the reigning world champions in the depression and self loathing events, if i can give you one piece of advice that you are free to ignore, it would be, get outside. go for a walk, sit on the beach, hop in your car and drive up the coast, whatever, but get out of the house! I hope you feel better....and if not, go to the doctor!!

Charmaine said...

Not to worry SSP. I'm heading out the door now. Plus, I tend to be a tad dramatic. Thanks for the concern.

Doctor? Me? Na. I'll feel forlorn for a bit then go and kick some ass.

HAPPY TURKEY!

Briana said...

When you really think about it, the "before" wasn't what you wanted out of life either. We are both at that mid-life crisis age, re-evaluating our purpose in life, and we are both getting side-tracked by all of the crap that is happening. I wish I had an answer, but I don't. (If I did, then my hair wouldn't be falling out too)!