Monday, February 8, 2010

Are Men Inherently Bad?

Ah...you know me.  I've dated half the State of California. 

I consider myself an expert.  (Tongue in cheek.)

Jenny Sanford was on the air speaking about her husband Mark Sanford (he's the guy who cheated on her with a woman from Argentina.)

After the story broke (he was with his mistress in Buenos Aires) which some reports say was paid for by the State of South Carolina, he confessed in a news conference.

Then he called his wife, his political advisor.  He did not apologize, rather asked, "How'd I do?"

He wanted her feedback on his public apology. 

She did NOT stand by her man.

She filed for divorce...you know the story.

What I found interesting, at the end of the interview, is that she remarked they were being cordial and as compatible as ever for the sake of their children.  One of her four boys just had a birthday...

Being cordial and compatible for the sake of kids.  Maybe children need to know when daddy is a lech.  Maybe a man who is a liar does not deserve compatibility?  I don't know. 

I know it's important not to shame a parent in front of kids.  But if we ignore bad behavior, gloss over it in front of our children...don't we somehow encourage more of the same?

Are men inherently bad? My answer is no.  Not even close.  Most men, like women, are pretty decent. 

I was talking to my brother-in-law last night.  (I'm broke, out of money and out of time.)  He said, "Just tell me when I need to pick you up.  I'll build a bedroom for you in the basement.  Just say when."

When you become angry over bad men you're called "bitter".  In my opinion, it's the end result of being cordial in the face of bad behavior.  Your tolerance gets turned back on you and, as a woman, you are asked..."why aren't you being more cordial?" The wives of  many politicans stand and smile sweetly.

It delivers the wrong message.

They must want something.  And whatever it is, their silence is the price they pay.  (Hello wife of John Edwards.) She defended him in the face of a love child...until he punched her in the ribs...milimeters from the location of her breast cancer.  Finally, she speaks.

Jenny Sanford is not silent with the media...just in front of her kids so Daddy is not disgraced there. 

Maybe he needs to be.

Thoughts?

25 comments:

Rebekah said...

Agree 100%.

When I was going through my divorce I made one thing clear to everyone. Do not speak bad about my kids father in front of them. However, my kids knew why daddy left, and what was going on. I never glossed that over. However, we were not going to speak ill of their dad in front of them just because we were pissed.

Mrs. K said...

No.

When the kids grow older they can figure it out on their own- they always will figure it out and if it is an "angry/bitter" woman who lets them in on it, then she comes across as the 'bitch' and the woman who ruined 'daddy' because it always gets turned around. This way, the kids learn a few things:
a- resilience
b- forgiveness
c- character
d- moral strength

Having the last word is not always the best thing...especially when kids are involved.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I think it's never OK to speak ill in front of kids about their parents. Kids should love both parents and not have their views jaded by someone else's experience regardless how justified it may be. Kids always grow up and figure out the real deal with their parents. Let that happen so that you don't look like the bitter, irrational one.

Charmaine said...

Yo, people (Mrs. K and Tee)

I never said "speak ill of a parent" what I said was...tell the truth. If it comes across as "ill speaking" the bad behaving parent needs to revealed, maybe convicted or forgiven...that's all a personal choice.

I just meant, don't cover up the bad behavior of others. If you do, we all go down with them.

Mrs. K said...

Yo C! :)

I know what you meant- my answer is still no. This is the way I think about it- My daughter is half me, half him. Me deflating her view of her dad will come back to haunt me and by me criticizing her father, she'll see it as me criticizing HER. Kids don't take things as matter of fact- they take it personally. As in, the parent chose someone else over us, therefore he/she doesn't love me.

No need for that shit. Like I said- at some point, based on my daughter's own life experiences with her dad, she'll see he lies and cheats and just has an issue with women except with his daughter. Meanwhile, they have a wonderful relationship. Who am I to interfere? Child custody papers here in my state specifically state that we are never to talk about the reasons we broke up, or disparage/speak ill or even bring up faults about the other parent to our kid.

I think it's right and the way it should be- I eat shit for my kid on a monthly basis when it comes to her dad and I'm glad I do- her attitude and the way she has handled all of this has been awesome.

My mom forever told me he was a ladies' man and couldn't keep it in his pants and that's why they divorced...she ruined whatever relationship I could have had with him because I figured he'd never respect me either and he'd dumped me for someone else at a moment's notice. Then my mom and I had major problems for bamboozling my relationship with my dad- Now I don't talk to either one of them.

Who do you think lost out?

Charmaine said...

Mrs. K.

You're right.

There is no reason to confess things to kids that have nothing to do with them. Via reticence we preserve their relationship with the parent that did not behave.

Being a bad husband does not make him a bad father.

Every kid needs a relationship with both parents...wrong or right, they deserve it. You have successfully changed my mind on the topic of "outing" the bad parent.

Well done. You had to live it to know for sure. (On my side, I merely speculate.) But I know the truth when I hear it. Hugs.

Kelly said...

My father had a mistress when we were just kids. My mom never said anything to my sisters and me about it but we knew, probably because he didn't try to hide his affair. Even though we were just kids, we knew it was wrong but he was a good and loving father to us and that was what was important at the time.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Well, she also said she wrote the book for her boys, so they'd know everything that happened. They'll get it. But he's still their dad; they don't need too many more reasons to end up on a shrink's couch one day...

Charmaine said...

Kelly - Right. You're right.

Maureen - Yes, they will know, of course. At first I was gung ho on the idea of her book BUT to say it was for her BOYS...well, that's not really true is it? (Unless she puts every dime of proceeds into a college fund.) One looks noble one minute can turn ignominious upon greater scrutiny.

♥ Braja said...

Agree. All this bullshit "politeness" for the sake of .... what, exactly? In order to create future serial killers??

LL said...

Are men inherently bad? Of course we are! :ewink:

That's why you continue to stand by me after all I've done to you... ;P

VE said...

Your blog brings back the memories of my two years internet dating. What a whirlwind. But I can happily say that after 72 women I did find somebody and we're happily married now. Of course my coworkers were quite put out when I stopped sharing dating adventures and misadventures with them...

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