Don’t Do this

A response to Bernthis

In this day and age men need dating help. Our roles have changed.

I have, on occasion, gazed across a table on a first date and thought, “I’m a better MAN then you”.

It’s generally me holding the door open for some man entering the bank behind me. My eyes communicate, “this is what you should be doing.

We have the Mars/Venus guy. He was small, scrawny and whiny. He alleged that men “retreat to their caves after intimacy”. Real men do not retreat.

My friend Rick purchased all of his books. Rick is still single.

I would like to offer to men more practical advice:

1. Don’t grab my boob. Asking if my breasts are “real” does not give you license to actually grab one. If you must, grab the left one…it’s bigger.

2. Don’t kiss me then latch onto my lower lip in an attempt to extract every last drop of blood. Pain and kissing should not be synonymous.

4. Occasionally, stop talking.

5. If you’re an attorney who was disbarred…don’t tell me you’re still an attorney. My sister will investigate you. It’s a matter of public record. Assuming that I’m a moron, is the wrong move.

5. Don’t tell me about your previous Internet inspired sexual conquests. Seriously, don’t do it.

6. Don’t ask me for a job.

7. Don’t ask me to pay for lunch on the first date.

8. Resist the temptation to believe weakness is attractive. It’s not. If I can be a man, so can you. Don't do the saving the weak woman thing and expect me to respect you.

9. Uhhhh

10. Tell me I’m pretty. K?

Middle Aged Dating is War

(re-post)

As I reflect on months of inspired dating it has become clear: I've changed.

In the beginning I tried to be appealing. I assiduously (in the original post I used the word deciduous...I AM that dumb) sought items of mutual interest to ease the first awkward moments. I made an effort to be both witty AND charming.

I was a finely tuned witty repartee delivery machine.

RING RING

Charmaine: Hello?
John: Hi, this is John.
Charmaine: Hey. Which one are you again? I mean, what's your on-line name?
John: I'm Frankmfbo. You know, the tall guy.
Charmaine: Ohhhh yea, you're 6'8". Do you have some kind of pituitary problem or something?
John: Why do you say that?
Charmaine: Because the pituitary secretes growth hormone and you're abnormally tall.
John: Oh.
Charmaine: What are you doing?
John: I'm driving to a doctors appointment
Charmaine: What kind of doctor?
John: Ummmm, ya know....uhh....what do they call them...the head type.
Charmaine: Do you mean to say that you're seeing a psychiatrist?
John: Yes.
Charmaine: Are you on any medications?
John: Why do you ask?
Charmaine: Because you're speech is slurred.
John: (Fails to respond)
Charmaine: That was kind of a conversation killer, wasn't it?
John: Yea. So would you like to go out?
Charmaine: Click

Crazy people are best left alone. I tell you this from experience. I'm related to more then a few. Don't stick around, don't try to discern the problem, just run.

Do not infer that I don't like crazy people. I do. They're interesting. I was a Psychiatric Aid in Chicago. My Uncle was the resident Psychiatrist.

There was a lovely and genteel fellow who lived on the floor I managed. He was kind and courteous. His pants were too short. What did it mean?

After a week of employment I read his case folder. He was admitted to the hospital after beating his mother over the head with a hammer until she was dead.

If I see a man wearing floods, I run for the hills.

Attention Online Daters

This is a guest post written for us by the endlessly hilarious Jessica Bern. Run, don't walk, to her blog entitled, bernthis for proof. I wouldn't lie to you. Go now. She even has a sit-com that was professionally filmed . The episodes are about her life.

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You can watch her talking to her therapist. It's fall-down funny. I just love her.

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Like me, she has been on line dating.

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THERE ARE THE DO'S, THESE ARE THE DONT'S

By Jessica Bern

As a public service to all the men out there attempting to lure a woman through on line dating, I am here to announce a list of things you should NOT do if you ever want to get laid again.

Before I begin, I will say that these tips were compiled after interviewing numerous women attempting to find love online. They have agreed that when faced with any of the following they proceed to roll their eyes and hit the "delete" button. The following are not listed in any order. They are all complete and total turn-offs. Any one or combination thereof will lead to the above said action on the part of the recipient.

1. Do not post a picture of yourself in sunglasses. To do so is the equivalent of putting a bag over your head. After viewing your profile, your pictures must be updated and clear enough for said woman to pick you out of a line-up.

2. Do not post pictures of Kodak moments with no human subjects. If you are trying to communicate that you enjoy photography, please take the time to list this under the "hobbies" section. Then take more time to remove the photos of sunsets. If you're not big into taking photos and just want us to see "stuff", put these pictures into an album and let us take a look at them some time in the very,very, very distant future.

3. Do not post a picture of yourself holding a cat. It's good to know that you like animals but a majority of women have said that when they see a guy holding a Calico, the first word that springs to mind is "pussy" as in "this guy is clearly a pussy" which leads to the rolling of the eyes and the hitting of the delete button (as mentioned in paragraph one).

4. Do not post a photo of yourself half naked, flexing your muscles while looking into your bathroom mirror, or any mirror or the lens of a camera for that matter.

5. Please do not post a photo of yourself leaning against a very expensive car. If you insist on doing so, post along side it a photo of the title to the car with a notarized letter stating that said automobile, in fact, belongs to you.

6. If you refuse to post a photo, limit yourself to contacting only women who have made the same choice. Not allowing others the chance to see what you look like screams, "I believe that my personality is so incredible that upon meeting me you will quickly forget that I am morbidly obese, have two wandering eyes and I'm holding a kitten."

7. Do not post photos of yourself from such a distance that it appears they were shot by a friend standing on the ROOF OF YOUR HOUSE. Last but not least:

8. If you're over 40 and your employment status has changed say to say, oh, I don't know...unemployed or you've decided to leave your job because you've got this story inside you that "just has to be told" and you're convinced, with all evidence to the contrary, that you are going to be the one in fifty thousand unknowns that will actually get someone to pay to film your life story, a story that is so excruciatingly dull even your therapist can't take it anymore, please make sure to say so.

Charmaine here. I will post my list of of what NOT to do on the actual date itself. Here's a preview: 1. Don't grab my boob.

You Pick My Date - Results

I am always 100% certain of the man you will select. I rig the choices in order to force you pick the one I secretly desire. That's what I thought until...

You picked the Kielbasa.

Clearly you can't be trusted (you know I love you for it). You never fail to invent bachelor #4.

Facing my commitment to honor your choice, I developed a nervous tic in my left eye.

At Walmart today, returning Evil Surfer Dude's romantic Christmas presents, the customer service girl implored, "Stop winking at me".
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"I'm NOT winking. Didn't you take psychology 100 in High School? It's a neurotic thing. I have problems, the least of which is I have a date with a piece of sausage tonight" I hissed.

"Huh?" she said.

"Just give me a store credit" I responded.

RESULTS:

Bachelor #1.) 4 votes.


Bachelor # 2.) 4 votes.


Bachelor # 3.) 9 votes.


Kielbasa: 16 votes.

(Sigh)

I cried on the way to Walmart. I cried because I was driving to Walmart. Then I cried because I heard "our song". Vern's and my song. He doesn't know we have a song.

Then I got over it.

This just in: I don't like Kielbasa. It just sits there. He's a slimy bastard, doesn't say a word and won't take me out to dinner no matter how many times I ask.

Shit...we are having an earth quake right NOW. ahhhh. I am serious!!! The house is shaking....

K. I'm alive. It was a small one. I'm waiting for the aftershock ... (faints)

Pick My Next Date

We have a new rule. I have awarded myself veto power. It's not that I don't trust you. I do. Completely. If you told me to jump off a bridge, I would. Really. I said that one of the rules (for you) was; "you cannot fail to select a man". But I can veto them all.

This makes me a hypocrite. I admit I have a "problem" with rules. In order to "make amends" (it's one of the steps) you may now cast the vote: None of the Above.

Another thing about me, I bought Kielbasa. Don't tell. If you do, I'll deny it. (I'm a food snob, remember?) I'll probably throw it in the trash. I always do. I am attached to the belief that with enough sauteed onion, potato and cabbage this Midwestern comfort food will...comfort me. It never does.

Another thing about me, I can't learn. Every year or so, I'll buy Kielbasa expecting a different result.

Bachelor # 1.

Occupation: Unknown (If you vote for this one I'll never speak you again.)

Profile: Thanks for checking out my profile, I am a energetic type who is always on the go and do not care for idle time. I am very easy going, easy to get along with and laid back. Good communication is important me. I love music and I am a drummer in a classic rock band. I live a little on the dangerous side, anything that makes my heart race I like. If you like the ocean that is a big plus in my book. I visit Catalina often for spearfishing and scuba diving and feel more comfortable in the water than out of the water. I am a self motivating person who loves to laugh and be around uplifting people. I also enjoy a challenge. I am looking for a long term relationship, someone that has goals and dreams. Someone who likes to travel,is outgoing and has a big heart. I am an open book so if want to know something about me just ask.
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Bachelor # 2

Occupation: Project Manager

Profile: i am an easy going laid back guy, i like to spend time with friends or go play...i often go surf when the waves are good, go cross country mountian bike riding or hang out at my place playing guitar... i like tattoos and have a few of my own and i sometimes take my motorbike out for a blast..i am more comfortable in a pair of shorts than in a suit...would like to meet a woman with similar interests.

Bachelor #3.

Occupation: Tour Operator.

Profile: Engineer, love to travel, generous, like to help a good cause... There is only one shot at life and I like to make the best of it in great company! I enjoy winter sports, water sports, air sports. I am creative, innovative, self employed and been that way for over 15 years now. I design + manufacture a flying machine. I also teach and give rides... Fun work!

PS: After giving this guy tons of unsolicited "career advice" he may no longer interested. Men don't like know-it-alls. I'm right until proven wrong. Yes I am. Don't think so? Prove it. My speciality includes, but is not limited to, topics about which I know nothing. I have a total of 19 stiches. Now you know enough to marry me.
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Bueller? Bueller...Bueller? Anyone?

Note to self: Moving forward, try to remain mysterious.