Monday, September 15, 2008

Teleportation Device - My Porch

As Pool Boy aptly named it, my porch is a teleportation device. People just pop up, like magic.

There is no call, no annoucement...nothing. I look out the glass panes of my front door and...POOF, there is a man.

When I used to hang out with "Vern" he used to do the same thing. His excuse was, "You have this effect on a man". Huh? Wha? The reason they do this is because they know if they call in advance, you will leave.

Today, I was innocently commenting on a post from Pool Boy and POOF! Evil Surfer Dude was on my porch.

I treated him to my usual polite response; "Go Away". He wouldn't. He asked, "Can I use your bathroom I've had a long drive?". I locked the door. (We can see each other through the glass.)

I replied, "No, go away". He retored, "Can we please talk Charmaine?" I replied, "No. Go away".

I'm repetitive when cornered.

"Can we work out?" I thought he was talking about our relationship. "No, go away". Then it dawned on me he was talking about literally working out. I haven't for over a week.

On the heels of a less then successful date with Pool Boy, I pondered for a second. Then I thought, what the hell. I need to work out.

We went to the beach and played frisbee in the ocean up to our knees. When we were done, we came back to my place. I thought I heard somthing on the stairs. Two seconds later, I looked out the door and it was "The Vern". He was wearing a hideously bright red t-shirt I bought him in Costa Rica. It has either shrunk considerably or the man has developed a belly. He had a scraggily beard and looked like a "Mountain Man".

Vern is in the doorway and Evil Surfer Dude is standing beside me. Both men stare at each other like deer caught in headlights. I panicked. Then I introduced them.

Vern commented, "Jee, it's looks like you have quite a sunburn".

Hell no. It was NO sunburn. It was my famous, amazing blushing. I can turn redder then an heirloom tomato in 2 seconds. I had nothing to be embarassed about. But was. I was embarassed that I had let Evil Surfer Dude in. I knew that Vern probably wanted, in a friendly way, to simply take me out to dinner. I would have liked that.

Vern looked particular scruffy, which is no small accomplishment. They shook hands. "I see you have company so I'll leave", said Vern. He did, then skipped back up the steps to give me a coupon for tires. (He knows I am shopping for tires). Then he left.

"So, you must know this guy really well if he just pops up on your doorstep", said Evil Surfer Dude.

Dear God.


JIMSIGHT said...

Somebody said they were missing feeling pursued, hmmmm..who was that again. To funny. Still think we should have a do over, something was wrong with the stars Saturday, I am sure of it.

If we run the stairs make sure you don't wear that same top. Or on second thought...LOL..

You're the best...

Charmaine said...

I will never wear that top again, trust me.

Those particular stairs cannot be "run" by me. I can merely walk them, vigorously.

And then pant...

Steph said...

Oh dear. Evil Surfer Dude seems like a bad penny. You definitely should have kept The Vern around and said that Evil Dude was just leaving...

JIMSIGHT said...

Oh, you had me thinking that you were bionic when you said you had done them three times.

They are quite a haul, even walking not so vigorously is a major accomplishment for anyone over the age of 25...I am still impressed.

P.O.M. said...

Damn girl - that is like my WORST nightmare come true. You handeled it quite well. So, how does the story end?

Spicy Latina said...

What the hell is wrong with you???? Surfer Dude needs to go! He's a FREAK and he ain't bringing you tire coupons and taking you to nice dinners! I like Vern, he has ALWAYS been a good friend to you. I also think Pool Boy gets a do over.

Mike said...

At least your life isn't dull.

JIMSIGHT said...

I just realized that I am mentioned in the first sentence in 4 of your previous 5 posts, any pub is good pub right?

Sure it's not meant to be, but I find it flattering.

Charmaine said...


I have to keep YOUR fans happy or they will turn on me. (I can't believe you actually counted the number...must be a consequence of your profession).

Further, if Spicey reads one more mention of Evil Surfer Dude she will come over and slap me.

p.o.m.- Evil left and then I called Vern confirming that he'd dropped by to take me to dinner. I think he invited me to dinner for Thursday, I can't remember because he was talking about his golf game and I slipped into a coma.

smellyshelley said...

I think Evil Surfer Dude needs to be renamed Evil Stalker Dude...

and I think a PoolBoy redo is a can't relax and give a guy a decent chance if your boobs are falling out all night.

smellyshelley said...

I don't just want goats, I actually own husband is sweet that way. I want something and he usually lets me get it, except the St Bernard puppies. He drew the line there cuz their poops are bigger than one of our other dogs. I could probably start a petting zoo with all the animals he has let me get.

I really enjoy reading your blog, hope things work out with employment and dating for you.

Briana said...

I'd have to agree with the "stalker" comment. You are going to have to build some kind of "panic room" in your apartment. I know it's small, but you have weirdos showing up and they wouldn't have to try very hard to break in.
And you don't need Evil Surfer Dude to work out. Come here and you can play tackle football with a 9 year old and 7 year old in my living room. It's fun until they really tackle you.