Sunday, March 13, 2011

True Confessions - Getting Nailed!’s what REALLY happened on my date with Hamburger.

Prior to the date I noticed my hands were looking a little “sketchy”. I did something I have never done in my ENTIRE life.

I bought press on nails. French manicure style.

Hey, they didn’t look that bad.

I met "Hamburger" at Abrusci’s. After exchanging pleasantries like, “Was that you that honked in the parking lot and nearly ran me over?” I reached for my water glass. The pinky nail on my right hand was missing.

I scanned the table, it wasn’t there. “No big deal”, I thought.

We chatted. He went through his routine, advising I was attractive and that my hair looked nice.

“No, it doesn’t” I said…running my fingers through my hair.

I reached for my wine and noticed the middle finger nail was missing.

“Shit” I thought.

There was obviously a fingernail SOMEWHERE in my hair.

I focused on his eyes like a heat seeking missile; maniacally following his gaze to see where it might pause…revealing the fingernail’s location.

I would have gone to the ladies room but knowing he would look at my butt as I departed seemed like a worse alternative.

We shared delicious Calamari. I reached for bread with my left hand.

You guessed it, ring finger nail…missing.

“This is ridiculous” I thought. He must have noticed by now.

We talked but I didn’t hear a word he said. All I could think about were…the nails. Where WERE they? I mean, did they disappear? Were they in my hair, attached to my sweater? WHERE?

The rest happened as described. He walked me to my car, after taking 10 steps turned around and said, “Show me what you’ve got” in terms of a kiss.

That didn’t work for me. I drove off, peeling the remaining seven (7) ridiculous affectations off my hands…


Anonymous said...

If it wasn't for me just waking up at 528am in the morning reading this I would be pissing my pants right now.

You are way more than hysterical. Charmine, I have your calling.

You really need to take this blog and write a book about dating adventures. Short, sweet to the point, written in this format.

Girl, you could make so $$$$$.


secret agent woman said...

Really - him looking at your butt was worse than assessing the nail situation? I'd have been in the bathroom in a heart beat, getting rid of the remainders.

Charmaine said...

Anonymous - I can't say that I haven't heard that before. A producer from a film company called me to ask me to collaborate on a script. But I didn't like her. As IF...

Secret - I know. But I really wasn't interested in the idiot and the thought of having a, ornament in my hair appealed to me. ewink

LL said...

I'm sure it just added to your charm... ;)

Don said...

Hysterical is the word. Makes me glad to be a man; I'd probably have fake nails in my hair every day!

Gotta say though, "show me what you've got" is about the most asshole-ish thing I've heard this week. (Of course, it's only Tuesday!)