Saturday, April 10, 2010

City of Hope

It's a hospital in Pasadena.  A really GOOD hospital. 

Cancer is their specialty.

The physicians are experts in their field(s).  Consequently, they flock to the place.

So...this guy I know had his appointment with Dr. Kawachi yesterday.  I call him Dr. Hibachi.  It's not that I'm irreverant, I adore Hibachi's.

I did the research. It's all going to work out fine.  My guy doesn't know how much I worry.  I lie to him, endlessly.I get upset, act foolish, drink wine and embarass myself over the issue.  He has no idea that my fear guides me lately.

He's made it clear he doesn't need me now that it's all squared away.  In my mind's eye I can see my father and how small he appeared in the hospital bed....he seemed to shrink. A few days later...he wasn't there.

My old boyfriend shrank too when he was in the hospital.  It made me feel protective.  I was there, I held his hand. I grasped his arm from the wheelchair and put him in my car.  I paid the valet (it was a swanky hospital) and I turned up the heat.

Then, when I was in the hospital...I must not have shrunk because I was not on the receiving end of protection.   As if my momentary vulnerability made me anathema to him. When he drove me home he took the top down on the convertible as if we were in a parade.  Sun glaring and me doubled over in pain. To this day he thinks I broke up with him because he put the top down on the convertible.

Being a woman is different then being a man.  As a women, you can't show real weakness.  Fake weakness, perhaps.  Blond bimbo weakness (because it's manufactured) just not real weakness.

When I visited my mother in the hospital, she didn't shrink.  She got bigger.  She started wondering around the sterile halls in the cute green jogging outfit I purchased for her.  Maybe she could do that because she knew I was there to protect her.   Under my watchfull eye...she was safe.

Who is watching over me?  The answer is...nobody.

That's just life. It's a rollercoaster of opportunites missed and grabbed.

18 comments:

SSP said...

I will take care of you! us single ladies gotta stick together :-)

ChattyCathy said...

Very well written! I was taken in from the beginning. I lost my mom as she shrunk in the hospice bed in my home. I will always be thankful for in-home Hospice and for my big brother that stayed with me for those last 3 weeks.

I too worried that there would be nobody supporting me. I was 47 when I met my husband. We married when I was almost 50. We just celebrated our 3rd anniversary. We are still newlyweds in all ways, learning about each other everyday and being there for each other every day.

Charmaine, you will find your mate. Make a list of what your perfect partner's attributes and read it nightly. That's what I did and I met Mike, my wonderful husband.

SweetPeaSurry said...

I would hold your hand, and kill vermin, and keep the top up on the convertable!! I really would.

smoochies!

LL said...

*smooch*

Snappy Di said...

The older we become, the more we truly need someone to watch over us. :-) Perhaps there is someone watching over you and you just aren't aware of it. Life can be full of surprises.

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Snappy Di said...

P.S. I was divorce at age 24 and did not meet Hubby until I was 43 and we did not marry until I was 53. Found him on the internet in 1997. I think that all those years I was not only having fun with friends and family, but also finding who I really was. So call me a slow learner.. LOL

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Briana said...

There was a segment on the Today show about the negative health effects of a bad marriage. Studies show that it is better for your health to never marry vs. having a bad marriage or divorce.

Marriage is overrated!

Don said...

Sorry to hear your friend is in a bad way; lucky for him to have you in his corner.

Who is going to take care of you; well, YOU are first in line of course. Maybe you'll meet some guy who will take over when you can't go on. That's what friends do; take over when you need help.

My mom and my wife's mom both died in hospice. My mom had dementia and had no idea; she eventually forgot how to eat or drink. My wife's mom was mentally ok but she had osteoporosis and her back was literally breaking every day. Neither was pretty but neither is shrinking away.

Good luck!

楊DodieSeaver0202 said...

I love readding, and thanks for your artical. ........................................

NicolaSigel0508 said...

真正的愛心,是照顧好自己的這顆心。........................................

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

OMG!!!! I so could have written this. You totally captured how I feel all of the time. Wow!

昱廷昱廷 said...

快樂是你與生俱來的權力,它不應該取決於你完成什麼。 ..................................................

吳wyat031tskiles8 said...

very popular to u! ........................................

忠元 said...

死亡是悲哀的,但活得不快樂更悲哀。...............................................................

Char said...

Someone will take care of you, hon. This was a wonderful post!
I've been away, and have just caught up with your blog.

hang in there!

xoxo

啟佐 said...

Better be the head of a dog than the tail of a lion..............................................

伯臻 said...

Man proposes, God disposes.......................................................

Anonymous said...

Very very true and very sad. That is exactly how my experience in life has been.