Monday, December 14, 2009

A New Reserve

I won't be weak like I've been before.

I won't walk away from things or people I fear.

I won't walk away from love.  But I think, with regard to love, it may be too late. 

Such horrible pain I feel, but wondrously happy to know that I can indeed feel love.  I can.  And I can fight for it too. 

I don't think I'll win.  But I WILL die trying.

I guess it's all normal for you.  Love is just a consequence of living for most people.  Not for me. My heart has been dead for 28 years.  The day my father died, I was done.  All the battles I fought  and won afterward...the lawyers, the doctors, trying to finish college, starting a life was not my own.  There where other people to think of. My family.  It was alot for a 20 year old to deal with.  But I did it. Something in me died. 

I've made a mess of things.  Love.  The minute I saw it...I pretty much wanted to slit it's throat.

Love can hurt you.  Love can destroy all of your dreams, your entire life really.  So I've spent my life...fighting against it. 

SSP (fellow blogger) asked me if I'm okay.  People are always asking me if I'm okay these days.  It fascinates me. 

But my current weakness...I know there is strenght.  Admitting weakness is a form of strenght. 

But then you have to get up and fight again.  Fight for your life..


Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I agree, admitting weakness is definitely a form of strength!

LL said...


Venom said...

Charmaine, you're very cryptic these days. Or maybe I'm just obtuse. ;-)
Either way, I'm sticking by you.

Anita said...

Being able to admit our weaknesses is not only a form of strength, but a very admirable quality to possess.

webberpa said...

It is never too late for love, and it endures forever.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

This is beautifully written.

The weak are those who hide behind lies. This is the reason weak people never honestly love other people.

You don't sound weak to me at all. I think the key is just to find another person as honest as you are who is willing to admit their weaknesses .

SweetPeaSurry said...

I reall have a yen to sing Olivia Newton-John's "I honestly Love you" to Shelley. It's just one of those things that comes over a person, you know?

I have to say ... I think you need to separate family love from the 'in love' love type. Your family is whack! It's like my mother always said, you HAVE to love your family, but you don't have to like them.

I think true love is the other way around, you HAVE to like them ... but then love follows suit. I never did believe in this gut wrenching, all consuming, hearts a fire type of love. I've always thought love comes softly, unexpectedly ... then one day you wake up and go ... Oh ... well there it is, just where I left it!


Sharon said...

What mistake did you make? I have been wanting to comment for a while but I didn't know what to say. So here I am, still not knowing what to say. But, still saying something.

Joanie M said...

I'm with Venom... you're very cryptic. It's hard to read between the lines.

Sharon said...

I find myself checking your blog every few hours for something. it's not curiosity but more like worry or concern. I still don't know what to say.