Friday, December 11, 2009

Crimes of the Heart

There weren't any.  He had no interest in the woman.

Nobody will convince me the blond at Thanksgiving was not flirting with my boyfriend. But flirting is not a crime.

The minute The King read my blog detailing my suspicians about her, he came over, climbed my stairs and declared, "Don't you know you're the only one?"

"No," I retorted. 

"I love you," he said. 

"Yea well," I replied... (I make intellectual remarks like that.) . 

I've been loved by men that never gave me a minutes cause to wonder...where are they now?  Because they thought they loved me, they let me run over them.  I'm not proud of this, I'm just saying I've done it.  I always knew I needed someone stronger.

You never know if you're "the only one" unless there's a ring on your finger.  And even then, you don't know. 

There is a time limit.  Mine is one (1) year.  At my age, years accumulate like dog years.

I don't waste time. One year is reasonable in order to discern character.

We laugh so loud I need to close the windows.

Oh's raining.  I live in a bungalow with no insulation.  The rain falls on the roof like pebbles crashing upon a tin roof.  Impossible to sleep so...I'll keep talking.

1.  He calls my mother when she is lonely.  He talks to her because I don't want to.  He takes the time.  She adores him. (She doesn't adore anyone.) She is the Patron Saint of irrascible bitches.

2.  He calls my little sister too.  Just to say, "hi".

3.  He fixes my computer and installs my christmas lights.  When I cook, he pays for the ingredients. He washes my dishes (he LOVES washing dishes). He fixes my light fixtures. He can, literally, fix anything.  It's miraculous. He even helps my neighbours.  It makes me proud.

Like I'm gonna let a guy that loves to wash dishes get away? 

4.  When we go to a neighbours house for a party he is charming and jovial.  He makes comments about my beauty, jokingly.  He always holds my hand where ever we go.  He kisses my hand.  As a duo, my neighbours are endlessly fascinated.

5.  He'll watch Gone with the Wind with you.  He cries at films depicting families experiencing heart break.  He's impressed by the fact my father was an Eagle Scout. (Of course I love that about him.)

6. His father calls him every night.  His Uncle calls him every day.  He is present and available to his family. 

7.  He does NOT take any of my shit.  And people, you don't know, I can be irrational and attacking. He doesn't retaliate...he simply walks away. He arrives at the doorstep with a handfull of band-aids.  He drops them into my hand and says, "I knew we could patch things up."

He goes for the laugh, perhaps to hide the pain and fear, like I do.  I understand this.  It's who I am.

I haven't had an easy life. I tend to look for the worst, expect the worst...see the worst.

This strategy has worked well.  It's helped me maintain ambivalence in every relationship.

It's not a good thing. 

I have to challenge my misconceptions, see the worst and move past the negatives I invent in my mind.  That is, if I am ever to experience happiness.  I can't run away.

Don't try to protect me. I'm no shrinking violet. 

Whenever I differentiate myself from a doormat, people call me a "bitch".  When I fail to judge, people call me a "doormat". 

If I cared what people thought...I'd be in trouble.  


Joanie M said...

You have me completely, utterly confused. Do you love The King or not? Today he sounds wonderful. Tomorrow? Maybe not so much. If anything, I keep coming back to read the next installment of your life! :)

*Juliette* said...

Wow...amazing song. Interesting how, in the youtube comments, people say it's about drug addiction. I think that love is the most addictive drug of all.
I applaud your self-awareness. I totally get what you struggle with. Great post.

Char said...

Well, why haven't you said all that about him before? Now he sounds wonderful! Carry on.


Sharon said... black and bitter heart melted. I get it.

Venom said...

Oh yeah, I get where you're coming from Charmaine.
Long live the King.

Sharon said...

So the "king" reads your blog?

Dear King, I'm sorry I called you a skank whore. That's when I thought you were broken up. Sometimes that's what girls do when there is an ex. But your not an ex, so I retract my statement. No offense. Feel free to come over to my blog and say horrible things about my ex. He's still an ex.

Maybe now that you are in a serious relationship you should change the name of your blog to Middle Aged Relationship? (j/k) I don't see you dating anyone else.

We just love reading your blog. We know we don't own you. We just love you.

Charmaine said...

Joanie M - I basically live to confuse you. It is one of my life's ambitions.

I know this makes me mean but...face it, it's funny. Hee hee.

See, I'm complicated. We all are. I just articulate the struggle. Yea, I'm not used to reading such words either...unless the blogger is on medication.

I have a healthy regard for those who struggle, those in therapy (I'm not) because on the brink of crazy you will find the most intelligent, fascinating, self aware people....

I might go back to school and pursue my life-long ambition of becoming a Psychologist. I always wanted to. Not because I thought I could do any good but because I knew I'd meet some people I'd like.

hee hee.

Tammy said...

And the roller coaster goes back on the uphill...

PorkStar said...

Patron Saint of irrascible bitches <----- LMAO

Very nice post!

SSP said...

i feel like the tail of a kite....flapping frantically trying to keep up with the kite...Come one Charmaine, JUMP IN with both feet, peel away the armor and ice and GO for it - we would ALL love to see the name of your blog change to Middle Aged Virgin Bride!!! well, ok that ship has sailed, but you know what I mean!!

Big City Dad said...

I know you not at all and this is the first time on your blog. If that guy really is everything you say his is though, you should hold on with both hands.

GIANTS FAN said...

This is a great site you have here. I just found it from a friend's page. I have a humor blog as well and I'd like to exchange links with you. This will spread some traffic around between us. Let me know if this is cool.


Charmaine said...

Big City Dad - Maybe HE should hold on with both hands. Did you ever think of that? No, of course not. I'm the one that should be gratefull. Me. Always me.

Not this time.

You don't know everything. I'm the one that shows up. I'm the one that reads the cancer book and takes on his doctor while he insults and dimishes me and my questions. Embarasses me.

I'm the one whose there for all the crap when the rest of them...get the good stuff.

I'm the one that won't let him die. What do I get in return?

A big fat zero. That's what I get. So don't tell me to hold on with both hands.

Don't tell me anything. You don't know the whole story.

Sharon said...

Are you the one with the one ovary? Or the one who does wild things in the barn and shoots her husband? I don't see you as the trampy one. Anyway, I just love that movie.

steev said...

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Anita said...

Charmaine--The more I read from you, the more I discover we have in common!

I require a strong man as well, or I will chew them up and spit them out. For a very long time I kept getting involved with mean ones; confusing meanness with strength. No more though; I found my 'king', too! Nothing like finally getting it right in middle age!

I have always wanted to be a psychologist also, in part because of all the interesting people I would meet, and in part because because I believe that the best people to help those who are hurting because they are getting the emotional shit kicked out of them are the people who have been there. I have been in therapy and am interested in going again, and let me tell you--a good therapist is hard to find! You should do it---you would be great!

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