That's a weird thing to say.
I've been to Israel. I climbed the mountain.
Do I have to be Barbara Streisand? Yentle? Read the Torah?
I never read the Bible but the Catholics let me in.
Check out my friends video below (if you need a laugh).
http://bernthis.typepad.com/bernthiscom/pick-me-pick-me-pick-me.html
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Ireland, Love and Life.
There were mounds of haystacks as far as the eye could see arching above miles of verdant green grass. You can't understand green until you go to Ireland.
Not the new variety of haystack, the homemade variety. The kind a 5-year old could climb as her father pulled her leg causing her to topple off.
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Climb, pull, giggle. Climb, pull, giggle.
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The farm belonged to Auntie Eileen. She resided outside of Dundalk, Ireland.
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Visiting her was more mysterious then going to the moon.
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We were American and rich. She didn't have indoor plumbing. We had to pee in a pot hidden under her bed beneath a lace doily.
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It was very glamorous.
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We sat at her table with dainty china cups clinking, drinking extra tea with pinkees extended just to gain the opportunity to pee in that metal pot.
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That is what it means to be Irish. The illusion of grandeur, the mystery of shame...and laughter.
Not the new variety of haystack, the homemade variety. The kind a 5-year old could climb as her father pulled her leg causing her to topple off.
a
Climb, pull, giggle. Climb, pull, giggle.
a
The farm belonged to Auntie Eileen. She resided outside of Dundalk, Ireland.
a
Visiting her was more mysterious then going to the moon.
a
We were American and rich. She didn't have indoor plumbing. We had to pee in a pot hidden under her bed beneath a lace doily.
a
It was very glamorous.
a
We sat at her table with dainty china cups clinking, drinking extra tea with pinkees extended just to gain the opportunity to pee in that metal pot.
a
That is what it means to be Irish. The illusion of grandeur, the mystery of shame...and laughter.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Come Outside
Ring Ring
I fail to answer.
Message: "What are you doing back there? Are you locked up? Are you hiding? I'm at the front house. I'm taking the dog for a walk. Come outside." he says.
Bark Bark. An adorable Golden Retriever runs up my steps and lurches against my gate. Bang.
a
Knock knock. I don't answer.
"Charmaine" she says from the alley. (It's my neighbor this time.) I go outside.
"Can you believe this guy? Our neighbor cut one branch from his tree. The only branch whose removal doesn't allow light to spill onto our little garden below. That schmuck."
"Let's call the city again," I say. "But I'm afraid we won't win this time. The tree no longer interferes with the powerlines. How did he manage to correct the problem and STILL not give us what we want? Fucker."
I fail to answer.
Message: "What are you doing back there? Are you locked up? Are you hiding? I'm at the front house. I'm taking the dog for a walk. Come outside." he says.
Bark Bark. An adorable Golden Retriever runs up my steps and lurches against my gate. Bang.
a
Knock knock. I don't answer.
"Charmaine" she says from the alley. (It's my neighbor this time.) I go outside.
"Can you believe this guy? Our neighbor cut one branch from his tree. The only branch whose removal doesn't allow light to spill onto our little garden below. That schmuck."
"Let's call the city again," I say. "But I'm afraid we won't win this time. The tree no longer interferes with the powerlines. How did he manage to correct the problem and STILL not give us what we want? Fucker."
He's bald and I'm hybernating.
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He's bald. But I think he's the most attractive person.
a
I don't want to talk to him today.
A
The complexity of his life, and mine (which isn't complex) makes me want to run.
a
Plus, look how gigantic his ear is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2Jyu9Dji8A
Political Stability
Just kidding.
I wanted to see if I could make a post wherein nobody commented.
It's not self sabatoge...just an experiment.
There is an interesting woman running for the Senate in my state of California. She is the former President of Hewlett Packard. I catered an international party for them when I was 21.
a
She was fired and given a 21 million dollar golden parachute.
She's running against Barbara Boxer, who I like... but don't know why. I like the way she looks. Yes, I AM that shallow.
She points out that Barbara has done little during her 17 year tenure but write books. She comments that Barabara is generally on a book tour as opposed to doing anything meaningful in the Senate.
"Let's give Barbara her dream and make her a full-time novelist" she says.
People don't like her. She's a woman with money and a novice to politics.
But I like her. She's gutsy. If she was able to survive in a male dominated computer manufacturing firm for even a year, I know what kind of woman she is: Ninja.
I wanted to see if I could make a post wherein nobody commented.
It's not self sabatoge...just an experiment.
There is an interesting woman running for the Senate in my state of California. She is the former President of Hewlett Packard. I catered an international party for them when I was 21.
a
She was fired and given a 21 million dollar golden parachute.
She's running against Barbara Boxer, who I like... but don't know why. I like the way she looks. Yes, I AM that shallow.
She points out that Barbara has done little during her 17 year tenure but write books. She comments that Barabara is generally on a book tour as opposed to doing anything meaningful in the Senate.
"Let's give Barbara her dream and make her a full-time novelist" she says.
People don't like her. She's a woman with money and a novice to politics.
But I like her. She's gutsy. If she was able to survive in a male dominated computer manufacturing firm for even a year, I know what kind of woman she is: Ninja.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I See Dead People
I’m dating a wonderful man..
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I admire him. (That doesn't happen every day.)
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He looked up my father on the Internet, who was born in Minnesota… where he was born. He was trying to figure out if we were related.
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He was impressed by the fact my father was an Eagle Scout and Aerospace Engineer.
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I miss my father.
a
I remember looking at the front door, expecting him to walk in.
He wouldn't. He couldn't.
I can still see the hospital room…and the Cardiologist. I could pick him out in a line-up. I can't find my car keys, but I can draw a picture of his face. He killed my dad. He didn't mean to.
I grilled him for 2 hours and he endured it.
My mother, sisters, friends and neighbors fled to the corners of the waiting room, crying, after the Cardiologist emerged through swinging doors to say, “We did all we could”.
I stayed with him.
The man that watched my father die drew diagrams with a blue pen on his green scrub pant legs in response to my endless questions. I could not release him from the converstation until I obtained his confession.
"During the Angiogram we hit a plaque formation...it caused a massive heart attack" he said."Yes, your father was watching on the monitor, Yes he knew. Yes, his death is a result of the procedure."
I was 20 years old.
I launched a lawsuit. Back then, malpractice was unheard of. Nobody helped. Plus I was trying to study for my English Lit class…I failed despite the fact I am terrific at English Literature.I started failing everything...My 4.0 turned into "we regret to inform you" letters.
Nobody noticed.
I was too young to save my father.
I’m not too young anymore.
a
I saved my mother from a sea of doctors. They declared she would be dead in a month due to her particular cancer.
a
I fired them, called in cancer specialists, monitored her medications and met with her physicians. I made sure they knew I was watching. I hired a watchdog organization to oversee things when I wasn’t there. I flirted and threatened. I showed her how to use her feeding tube with tears slipping from my left eye. It worked. She's not dead.
a
An Eagle Scout raised me.
a
By example, he taught me how to do the right thing.
I couldn't save him. I saved his wife instead.
a
I admire him. (That doesn't happen every day.)
a
He looked up my father on the Internet, who was born in Minnesota… where he was born. He was trying to figure out if we were related.
a
He was impressed by the fact my father was an Eagle Scout and Aerospace Engineer.
a
I miss my father.
a
I remember looking at the front door, expecting him to walk in.
He wouldn't. He couldn't.
I can still see the hospital room…and the Cardiologist. I could pick him out in a line-up. I can't find my car keys, but I can draw a picture of his face. He killed my dad. He didn't mean to.
I grilled him for 2 hours and he endured it.
My mother, sisters, friends and neighbors fled to the corners of the waiting room, crying, after the Cardiologist emerged through swinging doors to say, “We did all we could”.
I stayed with him.
The man that watched my father die drew diagrams with a blue pen on his green scrub pant legs in response to my endless questions. I could not release him from the converstation until I obtained his confession.
"During the Angiogram we hit a plaque formation...it caused a massive heart attack" he said."Yes, your father was watching on the monitor, Yes he knew. Yes, his death is a result of the procedure."
I was 20 years old.
I launched a lawsuit. Back then, malpractice was unheard of. Nobody helped. Plus I was trying to study for my English Lit class…I failed despite the fact I am terrific at English Literature.I started failing everything...My 4.0 turned into "we regret to inform you" letters.
Nobody noticed.
I was too young to save my father.
I’m not too young anymore.
a
I saved my mother from a sea of doctors. They declared she would be dead in a month due to her particular cancer.
a
I fired them, called in cancer specialists, monitored her medications and met with her physicians. I made sure they knew I was watching. I hired a watchdog organization to oversee things when I wasn’t there. I flirted and threatened. I showed her how to use her feeding tube with tears slipping from my left eye. It worked. She's not dead.
a
An Eagle Scout raised me.
a
By example, he taught me how to do the right thing.
I couldn't save him. I saved his wife instead.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Something's Fishy
When you're 57 years old, are you too OLD to dress up for Halloween?
a
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The fish looked better in the dark. (The camera flash destroyed the affect.)
a
He opened his mouth wide showing teeth... transforming into a Piranha as I appeared to swim innocently into his mouth.
a
The day I marry a Senator, this picture will re-surface.
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I don't know anyone who would allow me to paint a fish on his cheek and then, gleefully, agree to take the show "on the road. You need to enjoy the spotlight. He does.
a
The link below is my Halloween e-card. Go ahead, click on it. Watch me slap my butt as a werewolf. It's wholesome family fun!
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http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/CrApKZTojiXzffJV
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I painted fish on our face(s). We traveled across town giving "kissing performances".
The fish looked better in the dark. (The camera flash destroyed the affect.)
a
He opened his mouth wide showing teeth... transforming into a Piranha as I appeared to swim innocently into his mouth.
a
The day I marry a Senator, this picture will re-surface.
aa
I don't know anyone who would allow me to paint a fish on his cheek and then, gleefully, agree to take the show "on the road. You need to enjoy the spotlight. He does.
a
The link below is my Halloween e-card. Go ahead, click on it. Watch me slap my butt as a werewolf. It's wholesome family fun!
a
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/CrApKZTojiXzffJV
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