Thursday, June 25, 2009

Straight From The Crypt

That was the name of the band. They had bright red Mohawks, a plethora of tattoos but seemed like lovely lads. If by "lovely" you mean if you passed them in a dark ally you'd run in the opposite direction.

I am propelling forward a stereotype. I have to live with that.
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Since a picture is worth a thousand words they are not required. I WILL, however, point out some charming features:
1. The obvious fear behind that smile.
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2. My hand. What on earth am I doing with my hand? I was trying fit in with the Devil-worshipers.

It, um, didn't work.
3. The sign behind my date reads: "No knives, no gangs". That's just plain discrimination.
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4. The average age of the punk-rock gang Devil worshipers? 18.
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5. The skeleton barrette. Pretty. You can't see, but it has a tiny gun glued at the wrist to complete the fashion forward accessory. Acessory to murder, I'm thinking.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Unknown Caller

Ring Ring

Me: Hello?

Unknown Caller: You said you weren't going to write about me on your blog.

Me: That was if we were still seeing each. I didn't mention the escape clause?

UC: How could you say those things? You lied.

Me: I didn't lie.

UC: How could you be so mean? I was nothing but nice to you. I really liked you. Your a sweet girl in person. In your blog you're AWFUL. You really hurt my feelings. It's like you have an alter-ego. Do you have split-personality disorder?

Me: Ummmm, YES! That's it. I have another personality. I have no control over what that b*tch writes. I never thought you'd find the blog.

UC: I read it start to finish. Even the comments. They called me a douche bag.

Me: I don't like that word. It's so unpleasant.

UC: I know you liked me. I'm coming over.

Me: No.

UC: Yes

Me: No.

This went on for 2 hours and 18 minutes.

If I don't reveal WHO it is, technically, I didn't "talk about him", right

Monday, June 22, 2009

Fireworks

I had two (2) dates this weekend with the same man.

You know who he is.

Friday night we painted the town red. Martini's at The Montage, dinner at Dizz's As Is. Dancing at Mozambique followed by after dinner drinks at The Quiet Woman. Then back to my house for kissing which this man is abnormally good at.

The following day he sent me this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmAMti3NeLY

He called Saturday: "I'm giving you the Fourth of July in June" he said.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked.

"It's a surprise" he replied.

Goodie. (I love surprises.) Disneyland has fireworks. We had drinks on the balcony of a nearby restaurant. The balcony had a perfect view of the show. At first they wouldn't let us in. Nobody stops this man. Nobody. My date was the kind of man who slips a twenty ($20.00) to "whomever" and gets what he wants.

We walked to the Grand Californian for dinner at Napa Rose. I had the Seabass atop a sweet pea puree with tiny slices of newcrop potatoes and other delectable morsels. He had the filet poised on a red wine reduction that was delicious.

Seems like enough for one night, right? Wrong.

I said, "We always go to such nice places. Let's go to a dive bar".

"I know just the place" he replied. "I've driven past it for years." a

We arrived at the "Doll Hut" in Anaheim around 11:00 PM. "Oh no, I'm NOT going in there. I'm not in the mood to get shot" I demurely responded.

Kids lingered outside covered in tattoos, gigantic piercings sporting Mowhawks.

"Come on" he said. "It'll be fun." "No" I replied.

"I'll leave you in the car. Lock the door. I'll go in and make sure it's safe. If it is, I'll come back and get you." "Okay" I said.

He returned walking down the road taking off his sport coat. He pretended to be a matador with his coat suggesting he was in charge of this bull. I laughed out loud. "The people inside couldn't be nicer" he said.

There was a cover charge. "This is ridiculous" I said, "let's just go". "Come on" he said. "We'll stay for five (5) minutes". They asked for our ID's. (My date is 57 years old and I'm not far behind.)

We sat at the bar sticking out like two daffodils in the dirt. The PUNK band began to play. They were called, "Gates of Hell, or something from a Crypt.They shrieked lyrics like Satan or Marilyn Manson. Ever second word was the "F" word. (It reminded me of hanging out with my mother.)

"Charmaine, they're selling jewelry" he said. "It's wonderful".

A Gothic girl was selling it on a pool table. I picked out the skeletal remains of a hand. It also functioned as a barrette. "This looks useful" I said. "I'll take it".

You'd think that would be enough for one night, right? Wrong.

We went to 3Thirty3. It's a hang-out for Cougars. True to it's reputation it was brimming with young men. We showed the boys what a public-display-of-affection looks like. Sure enough other couples started kissing.

You'd think that would be enough for one night, right? Right. (falls into bed entering a well-deserved Coma.) Wow, what a weekend. The man is definitely NOT dull. Going out with him is like being on a Merry-Go-Round. Life flashes past in a blur. He's not like anybody.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Stranger then Fiction

Okay. We have another one. And it's totally my fault. My epic hubris made me insinuate, okay practically lead my date, to my blog. (It's a moth to flame situation.)

That means we have another guy, in addition to The King of Produce, who reads this blog.

Of course he disagrees with how he has been "characterized".

Oh and he introduced my neighbours to my blog. (Hi Shelby and Roman!!!) He said they laughed at me. But laughter IS the point of this blog. Was that supposed to hurt? (I love my neighbours.)

This is the funny part. "The Playboy" called to bust me on my comments. As with many men, he left a long, frustrating and insulting message on my cell accusing me of:

1. Being sexually repressed. (duh)
2. Basically lying about him (I never lie.)
3. Having no friends and being an unmarried loser with no money (dude, some things are obvious.)
4. Only caring about what my minuscule blog audience thinks.
5. I forgot. Around the fifth insult my mind went blank.

This is not a biography. I haven't been hired to write the truth. This is about me. My perceptions. If I'm wrong, so what? It's not like the New York Times is going to pick up the story.

He was so proud for interceding with the neighbours to spin the story of our few dates before I did.

I had no plans to say a word.

Not to the neighbours. It wasn't that big a deal.

He said I was weird, scary and bizarre (based on my blog). That I act tough and tear apart men but in reality I'm just a scared little wimp.

My response is...So? What's your point?

Friday, June 19, 2009

New line-up of men

The Playboy wanted to spend the day today, go bike riding, hang out at his pool and have lunch then go see his "friends" in L.A. tonight. Ya know, without ME. I don't think so.

I went from really liking him to dreading seeing him again. Then I awoke this morning to a message from 10:00 PM last night saying he was coming over. (Of COURSE he didn't.) But the mere MENTION of such an absurdity is getting him kicked to the curb today. He has no idea.

(Update 1: I couldn't wait. I did it at 5:00 AM.) His retort was that he called just to make sure we were on for today. I said, "Well that's not what you said in your message. It sounded like a juvenile attempt at a booty call and even when I was juvenile, that was never my scene. Good luck, Bye." Ahh. I feel better. (Update 2: He's calling. The message: He accused me of not comprehending his "joke". Then he said the REAL reason he called last night was to ask me for a ride to pick up his Porsche this morning. I want to respond:

1. Not only are you NOT getting a ride, you're not getting "a ride".
2. Where are these "friends" you hang out with instead of me? Can't they give you a ride?
3. Are you gay? ( I just like to say that.)

So with renewed vigor I introduce a small sample of current contenders:

The legitimate professional surfer/tri-athlete is back. I was too shy to meet originally. He had too many pics of his flat out amazing physique (remember?). He has since, taken them down. He is funny and witty on the phone. I never called him back. This time I might. He's charming.
The Naval officer. He's about as entertaining as a wet dish rag. But his honor, integrity and bravery is compelling.This guy pretends to be some kind of producer. Obviously not succesful by the state of his kitchen. But I don't care. He's funny. He thinks I' m funny. I think he's cute. Sorry, too young.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Playboy

His days might be numbered...

Huh? You thought I dumped him for yelling at that woman? (I wanted to yell at her too).

He called yesterday for a ride to the Porsche dealership. I wouldn't cuz I looked like crap. He sounded really hurt.

Then I cancelled our date for today, partly out of guilt. I lied with epic cowardice (via text message). This may be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I say; "I hate playboys "then sabotage a relationship just because I define a man as such. I don't know if he's a playboy. He just fits the mold...black Porsche, cute at hell, boyish charm with octopus hands.

Here's the reason. Because he doesn't kiss me good-bye before he leaves and the last time we went to lunch he didn't hold my hand. I'm a hard grader.

But the second we got home he tried to rip my clothes off.

Things are moving too fast. He hasn't sent me flowers. I think we all know what that means.

He's a nice guy, very handsome, athletic, comes over in a flash to fix anything. He doesn't need to work. Every girls dream, right?

When it's right...things just fall into place?

Not with me. I'm more complicated then a three (3) dollar bill.

Fyi: Happy Bloomsday!!!

Bloomsday is a commemoration observed on 16 June in Dublin to celebrate the life of Irish writer James Joyce and relive the events in his novel Ulysses. The name derives from Leopold Bloom, the protagonist of Ulysses. 16 June was the date of Joyce's first outing with his wife-to-be, Nora Barnacle.

Monday, June 15, 2009

My Friend

Do you have a friend that makes you feel better?

I do. His name is Chris. That's him in the background. He doesn't need to be the center of attention...like some people we know....er. He’s the guy who lives in Denver. We went to college together. I told you about him, he has a hip-hop radio show.

I was feeling depressed today. Everything is going wrong in my life. I’m at an all-time low. Then he called.

He directed me to some STUPID website. The radio station calls people and plays pre-recorded audio from George Bush, Al Pacino, Judge Judy, Dr. Phil, etc. aThey call regular people and play the recordings. The recipients respond without understanding it is staged. Eventually they get so pissed off they swear like crazy.

They begin as you or I might... rather then hang up they eventually threaten to kill (or do unspeakable things to) the “pretend” caller. They say things like, "If you call me again Mother Fucker I'll find you and Fucking kill you. I actually cleaned up that language. Even when the pretend caller is Richard Simmons saying "Hi, my name is Cheryl. I'm your daughter.

I laughed so hard I accidentally spit on my monitor. .

This song is for him:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x8fegh_donny-hathaway-a-song-for-you_music