Saturday, February 9, 2013

Hillbilly Adventure

I know I'm talking to the wind...

But you should know I'm embarking on a Hillbilly Adventure.

I've lived in Colorado for 2 years.  I am now a hillbilly. (sobs, straightens cowboy hat...spits)

I'm driving a truck with a four (4) horse trailer to CA. Not a two (2) horse trailer, that's for amateur hillbillys.

There won't be horses in the trailer. (I plan to jump in when I arrive at the porte cochere of Four Season in Vegas where I will break my journey.

I'll whinny know, make horse impressions.  I'll give the evil eye to the Valet guys.

On the way back it will be filled with the furniture I left in CA.

This will make it official.  I will cease to be a Californian.

If you look at my drivers tells a different story.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

My husband. The REVEAL!

I married an Italian.  

He's manly and loves his mother.  His fathers name is Rocco. I would't mess with either of them. They are as gentle as lambs.

 He married Irish.

Irish women are bitches.  Only if we love you.
To fit into his black haired brood I decided to dye my hair black.  You know what they say, "Once you go black, you never go back". 

I'm a lier.
WHAT?  You say I photo shopped this pic?  I'm insulted.  

Life is good. 



Thursday, August 23, 2012

Are we REALLY what we drive?

I received an email from an old boyfriend I haven’t spoken to in years.  It read,  “I heard you’re married and cruising around town in a white corvette.  Is any of it true?”

Uh, yea.

Yesterday I was driving with my 16 year old nephew heading south on a road with a 30 MPH speed limit. A ludicrously slow limit.

A police officer drove past heading in the opposite direction. As I put on my seatbelt (I do this after making eye contact with men with guns) I noticed break lights in my rear view mirror.  

Charmaine:  “You don’t think he’s turning around for ME do you?”

Gunnar:  “Uh, yea.”

Charmaine:  “That’s ridiculous.  I wasn’t speeding.  And how would HE know?”

Gunnar:  “Duh... it’s his job.”

Charmaine:  “Shit.”

I took an immediate right uphill winding through a maze of a convoluted residential streets.   

Chamaine:  “Should I turn right? We've backtracked. He must be miles down the road.

Gunnar: “No turn left. TRUST ME!!!”  

Against my better judgment I did.  Then BAM, the officer appeared driving in the opposite direction.  How did he do that?  He wasn't behind me SO/// he couldn't pull me over.

Charmaine:  "Gunnar, you are a genius"

I stared into the eyes of the cop chasing us... and burst into laughter. 

Gunnar: "Oh my GOD!  We were in a slow-speed chase.  This is the coolest thing that has EVER happened to me in my entire LIFE!  

Sensing this was a teaching moment, I gazed sternly upon him and said,

“Don’t tell your mother.”

Does every lad in a conventional town being raised by a traditional family where women bake cookies and don’t talk back, NEED a rebellious middle aged Aunt?

Don’t worry, I’m not getting a tattoo or anything.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Exploiting Grandchildren

My daughter in law encourages her daughter to say, "You guys are my bestest" in (best of friends).

It's so wrong.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

I'm Married!

What can I say?  The man simply wore me down.

There are only so many "I love you", "You're so beautiful", comments a woman can take...before she breaks...(I mean before he get's a clue.) so...

We got married in an open cockpit bi-plane flying over the Pacific Ocean.

I mean...

We went to the County Records department.

The Records Clerk filled in the preliminary documents.

"You've got 30 days to get married," she said.  Sign here and return.  When I record it, you're married.

"Oh good," I said.  "I need a little extra time."

"Honey," said the Records Clerk leaning over the counter with eyes fixated on mine as if to communicate I was psychotic... "You've waited 51 years.  Do you REALLY need another 30 days?"

"You're right." I said.

I signed the damn thing.

And just like that, I was married.

Peer pressure is a bitch.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Ice Castles

Today I taught my 13 year old nephew how to say:  "Ya duhrty wee bastard" with an Irish accent.

As I told my friend LL...It's important to pass on family traditions.

I also brought him to see ice castles in Silverthorne, Co.

Here's what they looked like:

Check it out.

I also bought him a shirt that said; "Kicking your A$#, one step at a time." doesn't actually speak.

He's planning to wear it to school tomorrow.

I'll be picking him up from detention.


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentines Day...Good Lord

He presents a box of chocolates at 7:00 am.

"I don't eat that crap. " I say affectionately.

(Secretly, I loved it.)

He tells me he loves me. He says I'm beautiful. "Yea, yea..." I reply.

He kisses me. He leaves for work...giggling.

Did I mention...he giggles?

I barrel downstairs and dial in my music station. Yo-Yo Ma is playing the Marco Polo Suite.  Ah. Click below to hear it.  Don't look at the pictures...close your eyes (that's how you listen).

 Now for dinner:  My rack of lamb is expressing itself with Rosemary and Garlic.

My Cabernet Sauce has reduced.

English Mint Sauce is...fresh and minty.

The Sprouts are prepared to do good things.  (But they never REALLY do.)

Spuds await my command.   "Go Roast Yourself", I say.

The pink Champagne is chilling.  He calls to tell me has a surprise.  I know what it is.  A bunch of Peonies.  (Much better then roses.)  We'll see if I'm right.

Of course I'm right.

The table is set.

In the remaining hours...I'll finish painting the basement.

When he arrives home he'll say,  "You're every man's dream."

I'll have to agree.