Saturday, January 29, 2011

Post Date - Holy Shit!

(I need to work on my swearing.)

I arrived at Ocean Prime at 6:30 PM. The valet guys swooped in.

I hadn’t even called Gene, to confirm our date.

When I walked in he stood up immediately. I had one thought:

“Holy Shit, it’s Robert Redford”.

He was a 59 year old version of Robert Redford.

He pulled out my chair and was in every manner, a perfect gentleman. He had that relaxed, confident energy a lot of politicians have.

When he opened his mouth to speak his voice was a cross between John Edwards and Jimmy Carter.

He arrived one hour early for our date. 

We had a delicious dinner, the best of everything.

He grew up on a peanut-farm.

Now he’s a big wig at Hewlett Packard...but played it down.

A man slipped into the seat beside me. (We were seated at the bar.)

His voice sounded like Will Smith’s in the film, 6 Degrees of Separation: Preppy, studied, deeply confident and full of laughter. The restaurnt staff was making a big deal.

He was wearing penny loafers with tassels.

My date went to the bathroom and the man turned to me, “Good evening, my name is Charles” he said.

I was waiting for my car to be returned by the valet...and he approached..we laughed.

We're meeting Friday for drinks.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Follow your Instincts, right?

I've probably dated more then most.

It's odd since I'm kinda shy.  It doesn't feel "natural".  I force myself. 

Sometimes the men asking me out are dull, mean, hung up on x's or just plain weird.

I've decided to stop thinking...and trust my instincts. 
This is my next instinct.

But I have a date tomorrow night.  A man 10 years older.  He's concerned I'm too young for him and too cute (in his mind). 

I didn't mention him because...I don't tell you EVERYTHING. He's been pre-qualified by the woman I work for.

That means blind date. 

Expect disaster. 

Tune in for the results, won't you?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Man. Man. Man. Goose.

Ladies and Gentlemen...The "line up" currently under consideration.
(1)  Robert. 
He was unexpectedly thoughtful for a 34 year old which is...WAY too young for me. My girlfriend is dating a man 10 years her junior...having the time of her life.

I agreed to possibly meet him ONLY to, um, complete my research (cough cough) and report my findings back to YOU.  The things I do for science.

(2.) Blake
He's in law enforcement.  I think he's cross-eyed. If he looks me up in "the system"...he'll likely see two of me (it's a cross eyed thing) and learn I'm a dangerous seat belt violator with a penchant for repeat recidivism. (Recidivism is a term only criminals in-the-know...know).
(3) J.R.
This brooding, serious man is compelling. H'e's arrogant. He's a writer. I don't trust his black and white "professional" photo.  I've learned nothing appearing on-line, nothing a man says, or the pictures he posts, matter.

You need to weed out the serial killers...then meet. 

(4) Kerry - a.k.a. "Goose"
You have to be 6'3" to pull off a nickname like that.  He's nice.  An unapologetic "mans man".   He's an IT Director, which always comes in handy. 

Just a few... in the que.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Are Dating Monsters...REAL?

I’m NOT a fashion model.

(I know…it’s hard to believe.)

I’m just your average middle aged broad, age 49. I look pretty good. I can still turn a head or two... if I hold in my stomach.

What I lack in looks, I make up with a highly developed sense of humor.

Which is why I had to laugh when THIS guy asked me out.


A normal woman would have hit the delete button.

I had to know WHY he possesed sufficient confidence to ask me out?

Maybe he was an alternative medical physician or…a friend of Ghandi?



You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

But sometimes…the cover tells the whole story.

I was kind to him.  He was bizarrely sweet.

BUT, because I have no immediate plans to be found decapitated in a shed located in the mountains...

I'm NOT gonna meet him.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Love and Younger Men

Someone suggested I date younger men.  I AM.

One is blond, the other brunette. They're friends.  Neither knows about the other.

I can't tell them because they're VERY jealous.

And they both have guns. 

The problem is... I have to pay for EVERYTHING.

Tonight, I took them BOTH to dinner at Casa Bonita. 

It was a bold move.

As we dined near a waterfall featuring incredibly realistic turquoise water...I engaged in cocktail conversation:  "This is the most delicious American cheese sauce covered enchilada I have ever eaten in my LIFE". And...

"The smell of bleach really perks up a girls appetite...don't ya think?"

Keeping up the star crossed "charade" was hell. 

After giving Brody $5.00 dollars of arcade tokens, Britt became jealous.  I had no choice but to give Britt $5.00 dollars he wouldn't suspect anything.

When I bought Britt a balloon, I thought Brody was going to shoot him. 

I'm not sure if this makes me a bad person.

The truth is...I saw ANOTHER younger guy earlier.  We went to Starbucks, Denny's, AND Rockly's Music Store.  We played electric pianos, guitars and a ukulele.  

It's not the first time.

One of the musicians in the store has a crush on me.  Luckily, guy number three (3) is not the jealous type.

He's been looking for work.

But there are child labor laws...

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Harley Hal

He kissed me.  (Just a peck...or two.)

This only makes you a whore if you happen to be an Irish Catholic. 

He was a good looking man.  He became better looking as the evening progressed.

He hailed from 4 generations of Westpoint graduates.  All generals in the Airforce. He went to the Airforce Acadamy as an act of rebellion.

We met in a Pub overlooking an outdoor ice-skating rink.  The perimeter of the rink was studded with trees covered with twinkle lights left over from the holidays. It was lovely.

As I arrived, I watched him put on chapstick.  Talk about wishfull thinking.

He was a gentleman. That is, when his hand wasn't on my knee or trying to pull me close.

But there was nothing obnoxious about it. He'd been married for 26 years. He was successful and thought I was hilarious.

He rides a huge Harley and plays the trumpet.

I love that he plays the trumpet.

He texted me minutes after I left.

He's dating material.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Pre-Date Review

Let's try a PRE-date review...for kicks.

This way you can witness my glorious optimism.  I always think the date is going to go well.  (Cue sinister organ music.)

His name is Hal. He doesn't have the "look" of my typical man.  He's, um, motorcycley.  (New word.)
And outdoorsey.  (Can I get a spell check?)

It's difficult to spell words one never uses.

BUT...he's hilarious, an IT guy and persistent.  Three qualities I value. 

My last date, restaurant guy, texted me this:  "Scammer".
I assume because I didn't answer his calls. 

Hal, on the other hand, continues to call with a jovial attitude despite my failure to respond.  (I think I got a ticket for that once.)  He's upbeat, has a great voice...I just KNOW I'm going to have fun.

Famous last words.  

Tune in tomorrow, won't you?

Monday, January 3, 2011

Bowling Alley Date

Bowling Alley Date...are you KIDDING me?

Man oh man...I had a blast. 

I'm a fancy girl.  Food know the drill. 

It's important to depart from tradition.

After 20 minutes the men in the adjacent alley approached me to offer their arcade game the tune of over 1,000 tickets.

Thanks fellas.

My nephew and his friend almost killed themselves...fighting over them.  (You turn them in for prizes.)

One of the kids scratched his leg.  Did I mention I brought my sister the lawyer?  She's does a bit of personal injury...

By the time we left, we were given a gazillion free games, men were flirting up a storm, we were given too many tokens to use, free was ridiculous.

It's the little things...

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Post Date Review

December 31, 2010 - (CHIP)

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present ….drum roll puleez, the first DATE REVIEW of 2011.

Oh my.

It occurred on (New Year’s Eve).

His eyes did not light up when I entered the room.  He talked about his x-girlfriend and his x-wife after I advised, “I’m not really interested in talking about past relationships”.

He was seated at the bar. I said, “I feel awkward about pulling out my own chair”.  He lept up.

(It’s part of my new “technique” to educate men how to treat ME.)

He had difficulty maintaining eye contact. Another fella did this before.  I didn't like it. When  I refused to see him again he frantically emailed me beseaching:

Why don't you likkkke meeee?

Anyway, my first instinct was to ditch Chip.  But....

I was feeling peckish.

He claimed to be a "foodie".  But failed to order the heirloom beet salad.

I eyed him, suspiciously...he said:

1. I can’t believe you showed up.
2. You look like Giada from the Food Network.
3. Did you used to be a model? (Yes, double chins are very popular on the runway.)
4. You’re terrific and not a bad date, let’s have dinner.

5. I want to cook for you. Bring your nephews to my restaurant.
6. Grabbing my hand trying to kiss me, “I like you already.”
7. You probably have millions of guys. You use them then spit them out. You’re just dating for fun.
8. Running after me…where are you going?  I got you these balloons AND a tiramisu to take home....

I dunno.  I got bored.